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Hey Rami,

There’s this girl I like. She’s got a boyfriend and he sucks, and she likes me a lot. But she also thinks I’m a player. Like an idiot, I might have just proved her right, because I got quite drunk at a party we were both at, and hooked up with another girl at that party. She then got mad at me for hooking up with someone else, even though we’re not dating.

I’m a bit confused. What do I do?

Winfred

**

Dude, thank you so much for the question. I turned it into a blog post, because I know a lot of geeks end up in a similar situation. The discussion we have could end up helping many of them out.

She has a boyfriend

Let’s start with the basics: this girl has a boyfriend.

In case you missed it, she’s not dating you: she’s dating someone else.

As a ground rule, if a woman is seeing someone else, you don’t owe her anything. Any judgment she casts on you doesn’t matter, because you’re not her boyfriend.

She doesn’t have the right to stake her claim on you, or prevent you from hooking up with anyone else.

As is, you know what you are to her? Her backup plan.

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Sure, things may not be going well with her boyfriend, but what are you supposed to do? Sit around holding your balls hoping she’ll dump him for you? Please, you’re worth more than that.

I know you’ve been reading my blog for a while. This means you’re interested in self-improvement, which is a big deal in this modern world of watching TV and doing nothing after work. You’re working hard on yourself, and becoming a better man. You’ve got a lot to offer.

Plus you’re a geek, and that makes you rad.

The only thing is, you’re probably falling into the nice guy trap, where you cringe when a woman gives you the stinkeye or says something mean to you, even when she’s wrong.

Who’s the real bad guy?

The problem with this type of girl is that she’s not an overtly bad person. She hasn’t cheated on her boyfriend with Winfred. No secret kisses, or behind the back love affairs going on.

Thus it’s easy to think she’s a good girl in a crappy relationship, and her boyfriend is a bad person. That’s why Winfred said, and I quote, “she’s got a boyfriend and he sucks.”

But you don’t know that for sure, do you? If he sucks so much, why hasn’t she left him yet? Curiouser and curiouser.

It doesn’t matter what she tells Winfred, how much she loves spending time with him, and how great hanging out with him is. These are all merely words.

Her actions reveal the sad truth about her. She wants the affection Winfred is offering, without giving him any commitment. She’s also cheating emotionally on the man she’s dating.

This is a perfect situation of someone trying to have her cake and eat it too. She’s got her boyfriend for sex and dinners and whatever. She’s got Winfred when her boyfriend doesn’t treat her well.

You know what Winfred has?

NOTHING.

okay-guy-meme-place-to-stay

He gets empty promises. He can’t hold her, kiss her, have sex with her, or get emotional support from her.

All he gets from her is the jealous treatment if he goes for another girl. So, in fact, I was wrong. He does have something: a jealous woman who doesn’t want him to hook up with other people, but doesn’t want to commit to him either.

Isn’t that wonderful?

What you need to do

Alright Winfred, back to you my friend. You asked me what you should do, and I will give you an answer.

You need to cut her out of your life, for a few reasons.

First off, if you’re hanging out, and you like her, you’re not going to be meeting anyone else. That’s a problem, because you’ll be pining after someone you can’t have, and might miss out on another wonderful girl that’s into you (and doesn’t have a boyfriend, which immediately makes her better than this one).

Second, if she hasn’t had the balls to leave her man for you yet, it ain’t gonna happen. And if she does, and you end up dating, will you trust her knowing that she left her previous boyfriend for you? Or will you constantly be worried that when things get rocky, she may leave you for the next Mr Nice Guy with a shoulder to cry on?

So, end it.

Look her in the eyes, and say this:

‘I’m not your boyfriend. You already have a boyfriend. I’m not waiting around for you to decide that maybe you’re going to break up with him for me. I’m worth more than that, and I deserve better than to be your backup plan. If you were single, and over him, we would be talking about getting together. But I will not be your “just in case”.’

Then move on with your life. And for the love of baby Mario, stop falling for girls that have boyfriends.

Ready to Meet and Attract Your Dream Woman?

325 comments add your comment

  1. Hi, I’ve never been one to look up dating advice and what not on the Internet. I can normally figure it out myself, but this one is different than anything else I’ve experienced. Stumbled upon this and you’ve given some pretty sound advice to the many comments so I’m hoping you can help. I apologize in advance for the long story. So, I’ve known this girl since 2nd grade (we’re 27 now). We both liked each other in elementary school, but it’s elementary school, so obviously nothing came from that. Then we went to different middle schools and high schools and we drifted apart. We would reconnect briefly a few times over the years and there was always something special about her to me, and I know, to her, there has always been something special about me. We never dated or anything, but there’s always been something there. Anyways, fast forward to today, I hit her up on Facebook about 6 months ago. It was the first time in years that we’d talked. Just catching up and all that, she has an on again off again boyfriend of a couple years so I keep things friendly despite those old feelings instantly rushing back to me. She had been struggling financially and after a couple months I offer her a job working with me. We usually work together 3 days a week, but those 3 days it’s just the 2 of us working in there together and late into the night. Most the time we even carpool as it’s a 45 minute drive each way. I make sure to keep things professional and friendly, nothing more. I know she loves her boyfriend despite how rocky their relationship is and the occasional emotional abuse he puts her through. I have no problem keeping my feelings on check because I know nothing can happen between us right now anyways. Then a couple weeks ago, she tells me she has feelings for me. We have a long talk about it and she confirms that she could tell all along that I had feelings for her too, despite me doing my best to keep my feelings on check. We even come less than an inch of kissing before we both pull away and just kind of share a long embrace. We know that even if she breaks up with her boyfriend for good, nothing can happen between us for a while as she would still be trying to get over him and neither of us wants me to be just a rebound. And she’s not someone I just want to have fun with. Plus she said that she feels like she owes him one more chance. Since that night we only talked about it once. I asked her what her intention was for telling me, and she didn’t really have an answer for that. But other than that, we haven’t retouched the topic. But our interactions at work have gone from friendly and professional to a somewhat mellow kind of playful flirtatiousness. When she told me she has feelings for me, my feelings for her multiplied like something I have never felt before and now its damn near impossible to keep my feelings on check. So now I’m left with what I see as a few different options. 1) nothing changes, we continue working together and I put on a poker face and hope for the best. Although, she can see right through me so that may not work. 2) I could cut her out of my life as much as possible without asking her to find a new place to work. That would mean figuring out a schedule where we’re not working alone together and no more carpooling. But that would absolutely kill me. Or 3) continue what I have been kind of doing since we talked. And that is stepping up the flirtatiousness little by little to try and nudge her boyfriend out of her heart.
    The problem with whatever I do is that it’s going to continue killing me no matter what until I have her. I literally cannot get her off my mind to the point where I’ve been averaging about 3-4 hours of sleep a night. Ive never quite had these kind of feelings for anyone before and it’s driving me absolutely crazy.

    Again, I apologize for how long this is, but I feel like I need to give a proper overview of the situation. And it’s one that basically goes back 20 years. At this point, any advice you can give is good advice. Thanks a lot!

    • Hiya Rob, this is a difficult situation you find yourself in. It’s different than the blog post because although she’s expressed interest in you, she hasn’t put any restrictions on you, or asked you to stop dating other people.

      First off, you need to know that if she breaks up with her boyfriend, you don’t need to wait before dating. People go on the rebound only when things end in a horrifying way, and they’re working through tons of emotions. If the breakup was good for her, she’s ready to start dating immediately. In fact, with most women I know, if they initiate the breakup, they’re ready to date the moment they leave.

      Ok, in this case, your friend still wants to give her boyfriend another chance. Is this because she still has feelings for him? I don’t know, but it’s worth pondering, isn’t it?

      I recommend you tell her you want to go out with her properly, and see what happens. If she says she’s staying with her boyfriend, then you move on and start seeing other women.

      You can still flirt, and have fun. However, if you keep up the facade of pretending to be her friend while wanting her, eventually you will become extremely bitter. What happens if she never leaves her boyfriend? What if she breaks up with him and dates someone else that’s not you?

      I’m not a fan of romantic drama. If you want to be with someone, if you really want to, you’ll make it happen. Which is why I’m not convinced this friend of yours wants to be with you 100%.

      So try. Ask her to do it. See what happens. Then if it doesn’t work out, move on with your life. You don’t have to cut her out completely, as that will mess with your work stuff. But you need to keep your distance emotionally in that situation. If you’re still confused, hit me up via email and we can talk more.

    • Hey man. Thanks a lot for your reply and for the advice. Here’s a little update on the situation. She has broken up with her boyfriend for good this time. And we’re still pretty flirtatious with each other, but while she knows my feelings for her, I haven’t actually told her that I want to officially and properly go out with her yet. Her past few relationships were pretty much back to back to back, and I’ve been in a similar situation as this a couple times. Both times didn’t end well. I don’t want this to end like those relationships. I also think she needs to take some time off from relationships and just be single for a little bit. I’m playing this one a little smarter and taking it slow, but I know there’s a fine line between taking it slow and taking it too slow. That window, I’m not quite sure how big of a window it is before I’ve taken it too slow. So I reckon soon I need to be very clear and tell her exactly how I feel and what I want. I’m just worried about how that might change our current relationship.

    • Rob, this is great news! A window of opportunity has presented itself to you. It’s time for you to seize it.

      Don’t wait too long before asking her out. If she broke up with her boyfriend, she may be waiting for you to make a move. If you dally too long, she may find someone else.

      And don’t worry about changing your current relationship. If you sit down and really think about what you have with this woman, it’s friendship with a bit of flirting. That won’t really be affected if you ask her out, will it? If you’re really friends, she’ll still want to be friends with you, even if she turns you down.

      So do it. Good luck!

  2. Ok this girl i like and she likes me, we hung out for about 5? hours and we snuggled? and watch horror movies then after we went to the roof and looked at the stars then she went down on me. but she’s dating so what do i do

    • Well, you had oral sex, right? Does it bother you that she’s dating someone else? Because if not, you can always be the other man (which I don’t recommend, but hey, some guys are ok with that).

      Or you can tell her you like her, and ask her to date you instead.

  3. Hey
    I like this girl who has a bf of 2 yrs. This is her first relationship so i can understand the sentiments. We have been talking for the last 2 months. She says that i show her affections unlike her bf. She says she has feelings for me but cant breakup with her bf because she feels guilty. We spoke about this and she still doesnt want to breakup with her bf and she hasnt told him anything either. I think it would be better for her relationship to die a natural death if she has to be with me. I thought about leaving but she says nothing has changed between us and we should slow down maybe.Her boyfriend stays near her home whereas for me it would be a long distance relationship. can this be called innocence because i dont think she is one of those girls who keep “the other boyfriend’. I care about her but i respect myself also. I dont want to be the “just in case guy”.
    Please advise.

    • If you’re long distance, and her boyfriend is right there, she’s probably afraid of leaving him for someone who’s far away, and with whom it might not work out.

      She also said she doesn’t want to break up with her boyfriend, right? That should settle it, because it means she’s choosing him over you. You’re already the “just in case guy.” I recommend you get out and move on, and meet other women.

  4. i really love this girl,when i met her the first time in her house,the first question she asked me was,*do you have a girlfriend?*i asked her why,she said because i have not seen any girl coming into your house,she was my neighbor ,we became friends for a week and i told her how i felt about her and she told me she loves me too but she has a boyfriend ,we were together for sometime and she went for holidays after she finished her exams,she visited me and we were so in love,but i realized she is still seeing the other guy,i told her i will let go so she could be with the guy,she pleaded and said she loved me so much,after sometime again i still noticed it,even though she was showing me love and introduced me to her best friend,but it was difficult cuz she had dated that guy for 2 years and they were in the same class ,we dated for 3 months ,we never had sex because i respected her and only wanted sex,when she is fully mind.The other guy lived in another town far from where she lives and she was not too far from where i was living,as time goes on i showed her so much love and care ,we text everyday ,but it came a time when i ask her to visit me,she would not and it pained me so much and i will be very rude on phone,she begged me when i did that saying its very difficult to leave their home cuz she is very busy at home and her parents wont let her,i was rude one night and the next morning she texted me saying she has discovered that we don’t understand each other and that she is letting go of the relationship so i can find another girl who will always be there and take care of me,i was shocked and i spoke to her best friend,her best friend advised me to let her be and that she is too glued to the other guy ,the best friend said she loves me but the thing is she cant date two boys ,i called her and we spoke and when i asked her,if she wants me to forget about her,she said she is not saying so but we can be friend but if i want to forget about her then fine
    i love her so much and want her back ,please what should i do?

    • There’s no getting her back man. I’m sorry to say this, but from your story, she chose this other guy over you multiple times. You deserve better than to be the backup guy. You need to find a woman who wants you to be her boyfriend.

  5. NYC article….. I am also going through this situation…..
    .
    I tried alot but unable to move on…
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    Now I decided to wait till she is in front of me.

  6. Hey! There’s this girl I’ve been going to church with for two years. She sings at the church every Sunday. Last year, 9 months ago, a guy walked in and made a speech telling us that there’s this new Catholic group for people aged 18 and more seeking new members to join. So after mass was over, I saw that girl (we never spoke but we always exchanged looks), she signed her name on the registration paper, so I did the same. While writing down my name and number, I looked up her name and added her on Facebook the next day. She accepted my friend request so quickly(she only has around 220 friends on fb, she accepts only people she really knows). I messaged her saying something like “hey, I’m new to the catholic group and I don’t know anybody so I wanted to say hey”… And she was so positive, happy, and fun. We texted that day for more than 8 hours, the next day she even messaged me in the morning saying “hey(:”.. It all went good, we started going to church and after mass, we went to the Catholic group meetings. Over time, we went on our first date(she asked me out one time when I said that I want to try putt putt, I’ve never done it before. She was like okay, come to my house tomorrow and we go…”. Anyway, to make the long story short, she had sooooooooooo much fun. She was literally laughing her ass off the entire day, we took pictures and she posted them on her Facebook as well. At the end of the day, we went to the Catholic group and it was Halloween, we started curving pumpkins but I realized that she had an attitude, kinda started ignoring me at that time, it was late, around 11 and she had college early in the morning. After that night, she friend zoned me, or I felt that way… I messaged her saying “hey, how was your day”, she replied saying “it was great, have a lot of homework but going on a date tonight”… I asked for a female friend’s advice and she told me to fight for her and ask her out.. I did and it was a negative, she gave me an excuse that she has “church”, the exact same time we went on our first date. Anyway, we stopped talking for two weeks, then one day she posted a stupid political picture on Facebook about an issue that frustrates me so much.. I called her a halfwit through a post of mine (yep, that was immature). She unfriended me on Facebook and I knew exactly why. I sent her a message saying “sorry, hope everything goes well in your life”, something like that. Then the next day, made a new fb account and sent her a huge paragraph telling her about my true feelings towards her bla bla bla. She never replied to any of those. That same night, I found out she was already dating that guy she went on a date with. For 8 months, we’ve been going to the same church, but never spoke a word again and I quit going to the Catholic group. Just three weeks ago, my friends convinced me to get “tinder” dating app. I did, and what s coincidence, that girl was on there! I found out that she has broken up with her bf the same day I got the app!! I deleted the app and was so happy, got hope again. At church 3 weeks ago, that Sunday, we exchanged looks. After mass, I went to the Catholic group again and she was there. I don’t wanna sound cocky, but she was clearly in love with me. She was looking at me the entire time giving me this look “plz talk to me in person”…. I wanted to but her brother was beside her the entire freaking time! her brother still talks to me, her mother smiles at me at church (I’ve been to their house and they like me). What do you suggest I do this Sunday?! Should I move on or try to speak to her knowing that I apologized twice on text, sent her two friend request and denied?!! Thank you!

    • Hi Chadi, lots of stuff going on here. Let me see if I can help.

      First off, the girl had a boyfriend. This means she considered you a friend, while you thought something romantic was developing. Then in typical “friendzone guy” fashion, you reacted badly by being rude to her, and she stopped wanting to be your friend.

      This is all normal. It’s not good, but it’s a normal reaction, especially if you have an idea of the way things are going, but discover you’re wrong.

      Second, you tried to fix things, but she wasn’t having it, probably because she knew you were into her. So in a way, she was doing you a favor by giving you a clear sign she wasn’t interested.

      Next, just when you were making progress, moving on with your life, and started using Tinder, you saw her. This made you backslide into a bad pattern of pining for a girl who doesn’t want you.

      Finally, after all the signs she gave you that’s she’s not interested in you romantically (the boyfriend, the unfriending on Facebook, the unanswered apologies, the denied friend requests), after all these signs: she looks at you while in church group, and you interpreted it as she’s clearly in love with you? Do you see the problem yet?

      I’ll break it down: the girl was never into you. She’s not into you now. She had a breakup, and she’s lonely, and she wants a friend.

      You’re doing the same thing you’ve been doing since the beginning: interpreting everything as a sign she’s into you. But I don’t think that’s the case.

      At this point, I think you should stop trying so hard to make her like you, and move on with your life. You need to re-install Tinder on your phone. You need to use it, and try to meet women that are NOT this girl.

  7. So I’ve been working with this girl for about 3 months now. We talk/flirt every time we work together. This weekend I finally got the courage up to ask her out. She said yes, but we ended just hanging out at the bar with three other coworkers last night. She left earlier then the rest of us, to meet up with other friends. Being that we were both pretty buzzed, when she was telling me goodbye I asked her when just her and I could hang out. She told she wanted to, but “her heart is in another place right now” and she just wanted to hang out right now. She said she liked me, I told her I liked her. Even went as far to bring up the feeling I get when I look into her eyes. She said she felt it too, and has since we met. But, “her hearts in another place right now” After she left, I felt confused to say the least. Earlier in the week (before I asked her out) I asked one of her friends if she was seeing anybody. She told that she wasn’t, and encouraged me to go after her. I asked the other female coworker that was at the bar that knows her well what was up with this girl. She told that this she is hung up on guy it’s not going to work with, but they weren’t dating. I still felt like she totally friend zoned me, but she has reservations about her feeling towards me. I’m really conflicted, I really like her but I don’t want to disrespect myself but pining after a girl I can’t have. The other half of me still wants to be persistent and keep going after her.

    • Well, she gave you two straight up “No”s, right?

      So take them at face value, and move on. You can stay flirty with her, but make sure you date/ask out other women, otherwise you’ll stay hung up on this one forever.

      If at some point she comes around (low chance), you’ll be even more attractive because you won’t needy and pining over her, as you’ll have other women on the go.

  8. i’ve had a boyfriend for 4 years, and for a very long time have been sort of unhappy in the relationship. mainly because he’s irresponsible, i don’t think he’s capable of providing for me, and because he would tell me how miserable he is every day and how much he wants to die, etc. and that i’m the only reason he has to live. i used to always try to help him, but i ran out of energy. eventually i just gave up. i felt like i was defeated, and that i got dragged down into his misery. but i still love him. i’m very attached to him. he’s pretty much my only friend, and i sleep at his house every night. while i was having problems with him, i became completely infatuated with this other guy that i work with, and had a very strong desire to become friends with him. once i started pulling away from my boyfriend because of this, my boyfriend cleaned up his act. he’s no longer making me upset, but is instead telling me how greatful and happy he is that i didn’t leave him. that his other problems seem so small in comparison to almost losing me. i sort of pull away sometimes when he gets affectionate because i don’t know if i feel the same way anymore. my crush on the other guy hasnt gone away. if anything it just gets bigger the more i get to know him. i think about him constantly. we’re kind-of friends. not friends enough to message each other a lot or hang out, but we’ve had a few conversations on facebook and at work. he’s given me long stares and occasionally comes up to me to talk. i’m always happy around him. i’m pretty sure he would want to date me, but i’m not positive. he knows i have a boyfriend, too. but i don’t want to leave my boyfriend, because i’m too attached. if i break up with him, i don’t want to be single. i dont want to stop talking to him. or get into a relationship that might not work out. plus it’s hard to be mad at him and leave him when he’s treating me better. but i REALLY want to talk to this guy more and spend time with him. like a lot. i’m very tempted to cheat, but i know i wouldn’t. that would only show this other guy that i’m a terrible girlfriend. i honestly have no idea what to do. i’m very torn. it’s not like i can even confess my situation to this guy right now, because we still don’t know each other well enough. i want to ask him to hang out. platonically for now, but with potential to be something more. but if he rejects me, work could be awkward. if he says yes, i’m setting myself up for more drama. if i do nothing, i drive myself insane. what do i do? like i’ve been so hung up over this that nothing brings me joy anymore.

    • Hi, I’m in a same situation, I met her before two years as a coworker with me in a project and I was her supervisor, we worked for sixth months only normal friendship, after a year and half I was left that company and went to another one, there was a vacancy in my company so I asked her to come and recommended her in the company and she hired, we came back to work together again but this time was different than old one, we started to be closer than before and we like each other so, I wasn’t sure about my feelings so I kept them, after a month we had a new employee who was a friend of my friend in the company too, she and him were in a same level and i am their supervisor and I am the one who give them tasks and learn them the work, anyway I care about her very much so I considered them as both my trainees and smile and share caring for both of them as well, once I told him to pick her up since she in his way (I wasn’t have a car that time) and after that they became closer I think, in the office my friend start to tease them by saying you are couple (her and him) that what people do usually break the ice and if there is no feeling it will starts to be. I can’t do anything just watch from around and can’t do anything. A month later that guy requested a permission to travel cuz he has a problem with a residency issue in UAE, he requested only few days and the company accepted to let him travel and he didn’t come back till today!!! He described a bad image to all company staff even his friend was upset from his attitude (he just left the job ) and even worse we knew that he in contact with her. This is all not considered as a problem for me since she always says she hasn’t boyfriend.. After his left my relationship with his being very strong and tight, 7 months we hang out a lot together chatting a lot, and we know even our friends together (mine and hers ) I started to feel like I love her very much, she likes to stay with me more than everyone, she talks to me about everything in her life (everything everything.. ) and the people around us started to share their notes (you are a good couple, when you will be engaged, lab lab lab,,,, ) honestly I hate these kinds of things, but at some point I thought that I should speak to her with my feelings, but the problems were two and kept in my mind ( 1- I wasn’t sure about my feelings and I didn’t want to cause her a hurt, 2- I had a feeling that she is dating that guy-even she didn’t talk about him never since he left- but I was still not sure ). I say ok let us be super best friends then i could know her feelings and whether she has a boyfriend or not, in last two months our friendship being very much good and we became hanging out a lot chatting a lot… Etc, I felt like she loves me very much and I will be very idiot if I wait more, a night we chatted each other a lot and told me tomorrow I should tell you something. I told her ok, I was worry if something bad happened from me, but we’ve took a coffee break and she started her confession to me that she has a boyfriend!! I became cold and told her ok seriously,, and she said yes (I was so hurt and internally crying but didn’t seem on my face that time) we came back to office and finished our duty, we became the last two in the office, I became a little weird and can’t control myself I wanted to hold her hand only to feel her feelings toward me but she became wild and didn’t let me touch her and I apologized and she accepted my apology and we talked about what she said in the coffee break earlier and asked her if the boyfriend is that guy -the man who was with us and just left – and she told me yes, I said ok may God bless you together, I picked her up to home. I was so upset and out of mood and felt very broken. I can’t handle this issue and felt like I love her deeply more than before i don’t know why?? I didn’t want her to be in a relationship specially with that guy cuz I really care about her. A few weeks i became much better and started to implement (let’s call it a professional friendship, as my friend told me) we handle with that professionalism but it didn’t work!! After weeks later I felt she has a problem with him and tried to spoke to her and she is very complicated in these issues, (she is very complicated in everything but I’m used to deal with her specially me can know every single thing about her) she likes our friendship very much but she deals me as a boyfriend honestly and I can’t go further with her since she still has a boyfriend (or may be they broke up!! Idk) a lot of things is being not clear for me and make me confused all the time, I love her so much and I can’t talk because of my pride, but she was definitely noticed, one time I told her subliminally I think I love you, and she replied me too but the next day she denied and started to tell me that she felt like she is a cheater since the guy isn’t in the country and she hang out a lot with me and this is right honestly, I noticed that my life is changed and I became not so sensitive,,,, i really want to forget her and start dating another girl but I can’t!! We work together all day we spend many times, I can’t even find a time for another story, she make me lose my time my thinking… I’m sorry for the long story but I need to know what should I do to move on???

    • Hey Ho, this is actually a very simple situation.

      Here’s what you should do if you like a woman: you ask her on a date, then see what happens.

      Here’s what you did: you hung out with her every day for months, listened to all her problems, and became her best friend.

      Now, do you know what she thinks you are? Her friend. You know why? Because that’s how you act around her.

      There’s no nice way to say this, but if you want to be someone’s boyfriend, you need to act like their boyfriend. That means you ask them on a date, and you slowly develop a relationship from there.

      So.

      In this case, you need to ask her out. Say, explicitly, “I like you (don’t say love!), and I want to date you”. And if she says “yes”, great! Things will work out.

      If she says “no”, that’s great too! Because then you know for sure what her answer is. It will hurt a little, but the knowledge will help you heal, and then you’ll be able to move on and meet other women.

      I’m sorry there’s no easier way to do this. Be strong, ask her out, and see what happens.

      Good luck!

    • Hi Rachel,

      You need to understand something important here: by not doing anything, your situation will remain the same. You’ll have the same boyfriend, the same crush, and you’ll still be tearing yourself up inside.

      You want a guarantee that crush guy will be there if you break up with your boyfriend? I can’t give you that guarantee, and in fact, no one can.

      What I can tell you is this: being with someone because you don’t want to be alone is a terrible reason for a relationship. You’re not doing yourself or your boyfriend any favors if the two of you are only together out of fear, rather than out of love/affection/mutual respect.

      I suggest you do a couple of things: first, sit down and really think about your feelings towards your boyfriend. Forget about everything else, and focus on him. Are you in love with him? Are you happy with him? Do you see yourself spending the next year with him? The next five years?

      Really think about it. Once you have an answer, you can decide to stay with him, or break up with him, regardless of your crush.

      If you decide to stay with him, you need to distance yourself from the crush, and you’ll do it happily, knowing you’ve chosen your boyfriend for the right reasons.

      If you decide to leave your boyfriend, then it doesn’t matter if your crush and you end up together afterwards, or if you end up alone. You’ll have made the decision based on your true feelings, and not some external factors, or “grass is greener on the other side” fantasies.

      Finally, being alone isn’t a bad place to be. It gives you room to grow as a person, and really discover who you are. It’ll also help you make friends, because your boyfriend shouldn’t be your lifeline. If he’s your only friend, when you break up your life falls apart. And lots of men, including potentially your crush, hate clingy women, so you probably need to have some kind of social life outside of him if you want to get with him.

      Good luck!

  9. I met this girl in my senior year of high school, she was a freshman. I approached her and asked if she had a boyfriend, she said yea, so i just went about my business and we just became friends. But she broke up with him, but i had no idea. Her friends were telling me she likes me but I wasn’t sure. Then she gets another boyfriend not too long after that. On graduation one of her friends gives me a hug and then she comes out of nowhere and was like “No No” and gives me a big hug. I was thinking to myself “hmm she’s jealous”. a year or so fly by I contacted her on social media, she still had a boyfriend. I told her I had a crush on her in high school and i still do. She told me she had a crush on me also when she broke up with her boyfriend, but said she was too shy to tell me and she thought i had a girlfriend, but I didn’t i have a girlfriend. she says she is old fashion and she likes the guy to pursue her, i told her i didn’t want to pursue her because she was in a relationship.

    She also told me after i graduated she still thought about me and she would tell her friends how handsome i was and how when i used to come and talk to her she will get chills in her body, and when i graduated she said she wondered if i left town, or got married or had a baby. I’m thinking to myself why is she concerned about my life in this way while she is in a relationship? I was telling her that I was leaving the city because i felt my life was bigger than what it was. And she told she wanted me stay. But i can’t wait for her to break up with her boyfriend, so i was still dating girls, but still had her on my mind.

    sometime later, I found out my best friend was going out with her. I didn’t know she broke up with her boyfriend and he didn’t tell me about it because he thought I didn’t still have feelings for her, then I found out they had sex. He told me he just was sexually attracted to her, he didn’t want anything serious like i did. I asked her about this and she said “your friend asked me out more and approached me more and i figured you lost interest, and i thought you had a girlfriend” I told her I didn’t have a girlfriend and the reason why I didn’t approach her is because I didn’t know she broke up with her boyfriend, and thats not my fault for not knowing. Then she says “I’m sorry but i can’t go out with you, but you never know what will happen in the future so don’t give up hope too fast.”

    I couldn’t believe she said that and knowing she had sex with my best friend. It felt like she wanted me to chase her throughout her whole life. I didn’t talk to her for about 2 months then i seen her at a hotel, we talked, we left on good terms, exchanged phone numbers we talked on the phone and texted. All of sudden she stops responding to my text, ignores my phone calls, ignore a message i sent to her on facebook, but I found out why. She was in relationship with someone!! I would have respected her more if She have just told me that instead.

    I was in horrible state of mind, She led me on, all the things she said were not lining up to her actions, i was done with her and I cut off all contact with her. Later down the line, she followed me on twitter and now she’s married with 2 kids. then she followed me on my other twitter page, but she didn’t say anything which i thought was weird.

    Do you think she’s trying to check up on me to see what i been doing in slick way? oh yea she unfriended my best friend on facebook, but she didn’t delete me. What do you think?

    • Wow, that’s a long one. Cardell, at this point it doesn’t matter what she thinks, does it?

      She lied to you multiple times, dated other people, and now she’s married.

      Stay away from her. Go meet other women. I’m sure you can find someone single without 2 kids to date instead 🙂

  10. Okay let me try to make this simple In short. My ex boyfriend for 15 years ,We were together he worked with a co-worker who is the daughter of his best friend ,who is in his 60’s. I guess he’s been cheating with her but denies it but yet the whole town knows about it . I confronted him he denied it she denied it she says she’s my friend and stuff like that but then One night he didn’t come home at all and then rumor has it that she called in for him at work and said he’s not going to be able to come into work because he got stuck somewhere Well even other people at his work says no he has not been here he has not been here and I said well he told me he was going back but anyhow after all that He still waiting on this girl me we split up he still waiting on this girl she has a boyfriend who has she has two kids with she lives with him She keeps calling my ex telling him over going to be together yeah I’m planning something yeah after my income tax come in all this sort of stuff While he’s still hanging on he hardly ever sees as she calls them everyday and texts them everyday or every other Tells him she loves him and all this stuff but yet he keeping me on the string in case things I feel in case things don’t go right for him and her she still has me to fall back on I told him no I do not look like poop I said I don’t want to be number 2 I want to be number one And he just kind of laughed and me or you and I said yes I said you know what I said it seems to me and said she’s been stringing you on for 4 months now you told me you didn’t want to wait for me for 3 months when we first met but yet here you are hanging on to somebody that you haven’t had anything with Anyhow he’s still kind of he said he’s in a fork of a road Don’t know if you want to go left if you want to go right He cares for both of us and I still for the life of me I do not understand how can he care for somebody that he really hasn’t had physical contact with except for maybe the one time unless he was lying this whole time That and they have been intimate before But still I don’t see her leaving her man and bringing her two kids To move in with him I don’t know what else to do and what else to make him feel you no see I said I do care for him deeply 15 years is a lot to let go And I’m struggling with that and he texts me everyday but he always texts me with smut Piano have you played today you want me to buy you some toys and stuff like that I said I’ve done everything for him everything that he asked me out but he never asked her to do that and I said have you ever asked her to do that he goes no when I said why I don’t know and I was going cuz I know she won’t You know but after you been with somebody for so long why not do that but I told him I do draw the line at 3 since I’m not doing that I said I’m not add another person what we do behind private doors is our business So yeah he still texts me on that but yet here we are still him over there Heard another spot and me and somewhere else too What kind of relationship can that be. Any ideas?.

    • Ok, I’m having a bit of trouble reading your post, but I think I get the idea.

      First, you need to set clear boundaries. Cheating on someone is NEVER ok, and you have to make that clear to him. Don’t let him walk all over you. Right now he seems to be taking advantage of you, and the fact that you love him, by stringing you along and going after another woman.

      Second, cheating is a symptom of something deeper that’s wrong. No one wakes up one day and says “hey, I’m going to cheat on my partner this afternoon.” There’s always a reason behind it. If you take him back, you need to sit with him and talk about what it was that lured him over to the other woman. Was it sex? Was is that she treated him a certain way?

      Third, decide what kind of relationship you want. Are you ok with opening the relationship up a little bit? Perhaps including other people, with you as the primary partner? This is a bit difficult, as it’s essentially moving from monogamy to polyamory, but that might be the right thing for you guys. It will certainly even things out between you, as it means if he has someone else, so will you.

      Good luck, and feel free to hit me up again if you need more advice.

    • Okay….it’s been 5 months now…..he says he can’t get fully erected,and his passion is porn…I never understood y he would sneek to the living room and jerk off. I got mad cause I felt he wanted them women on there,more then me? Here I never told him no,when he wanted sex. So y Jack off when u got a perfectly good women willing.?. Well he still lives at the other gals dad’s house. I know she still texts him..what hurt me was ,he was in pain on night ..he called me,which I was 4 hrs away. Anyways when I told him his pain would get worse. It did,so I drove 4 hrs to take him to the hospital. With all his pain and all,his phone goes off…I didn’t know who it was til he muttered out “I love u too”..it hit me like a slap in my face.!.. I looked at him and said I could have done without hearing that.! He said sorry,I didn’t want to say it..at least not in fronth of u!…in my mind I’m thinking really? I drove 4 hrs for u….and I get a slap in the face…well jumping ahead….he still don’t know what he wants….he asked if we get back together,willu watch porn with me?I said sure…then he said will u stroke it for me?.. I said Ya….I’ve done everything he asked me to. But he always wants more…we still are not together,he calls me baby once in a great moon..never says love u ,unless I say it first. He asked me to date other guys ,he won’t blame me for what he did to me. I told him fine….so I told him I went on a date…he said wow I didn’t think u would do it?… I’m feeling jealous now…. I said u told me to…he said I know,but just so u don’t get board waiting on me. ???.is he nuts?… It’s not so much the porn it now blow up dolls will I ride one and have him watch…..he gets off watching.?… Who is this guy?… Yes not the same guy I fell in love with 15 yrs ago.?…yet he still hasn’t proved. That he wants me back,I’v been texting him….I need to stop right?… Is this healthy?… Or normal?..I’m a modest and shy gal….I will not bring home a guy for sex only and have my ex feanicee watch?.. Heck no.plz help

    • The good news is, there’s nothing wrong with the freaky sex stuff he’s into, as long as you’re into it as well. As couples get older and spend more time together, kinkier fantasies come to light, so there’s no reason not to watch porn, or use sex toys, or other fun stuff.

      The bad news is, based on the way this man is treating you, it doesn’t look like he cares about you emotionally. From my perspective, he’s using you to get off with his sexual fantasies, and using you when he’s in pain to get him to a doctor. But he doesn’t care about you enough to commit to you, which is what you really want. Instead, he’s dangling the string of hope in front of you like a carrot, saying “if you do this, maybe I’ll be with you”.

      But I don’t think he’ll ever be with you in the way you want. I recommend you dump him ASAP, and find a man who actually cares about you.

  11. Can u give me some advice plz

    About 2 months ago I fell in love with this girl I knew from a night out with friends, and since then we’ve been pretty close. 2 weeks later I told her that I liked her, she didn’t say much to it but she said that she needs some time to think because there were 2 other boys after her aswell. So I respected her decision and waited. I was friends with one of the boys and together we sort of gave each other tips. 2 weeks later it was clear to me that she chose someone. I got a message from that one friend saying that he and she were together. I kinda broke down and was in a state of not knowing what to do. 2 days later everything seemed fine (don’t know why). But I was still close with her. Later we made plans to hang out, but two days before she called it off because she had to study for an exam 3 weeks ahead. I didn’t fall for it and asked her why she called it off, she proceeded to tell me that she has enveloping feelings for me and that she doesn’t want it to be weird. We had a fight which ended in me trying to fix it, we then talked for 6 hours on the phone and it ended with “If u hang up I am coming to your house”. She hung up. Some time later I was at her house, she was alone at home. So I made myself comfortable on the couch and I didn’t know what to expect (im going to shorten the story from now). Basically it became really physical (non erotic) and every time and alot of times our noses would touch for a long time, I wanted to kiss her but I knew I couldn’t do it to her and/or her boyfriend. Later that day she told me that she loves as much as her boyfriend but keeps saying that it can’t be because she is with her boyfriend. When I came home I asked why she was so physical with me, she replied “I wanted for you to make a move because if I did it it would be cheating”. She told me that she wants to give me a change but because she has a boyfriend she can’t. wanted to cut it off for a long time but she doesn’t want to let me go because im too important for her.

    • Well, this situation’s pretty clear: she’s leading you on, enjoying having you chase her, but doesn’t want to make a move or she’ll feel guilty about cheating. You’re her man on the the side bro, just like Winfred.

      My suggestion would be to be honest, and tell her you want to date her, and you don’t want to be her “special important friend.” If she decides to leave her boyfriend and date you, that’s great.

      Otherwise, you know she likes him more than she likes you, in which case you should just stop talking to her and move on with your life.

      Meet someone else, it’ll be much healthier for you than a woman who leads you on.

    • Thanks for answering,

      Monday i told her that its breaking me whenever i am around her. she understood it, and now… its over, we don’t talk anymore. i felt kinda sad when i said it because before i actually liked being around her, it cheered me up. but i guess thats over now. but to be honest i don’t feel anything now. i don’t know what to do next, i am not good with girls at all. She was the only one who actually liked/loved in my whole life. but i guess i have to see what happens in my life.

      Again, Thanks for answering

    • Luke, you did a really hard thing by breaking it off with her. Well done man, really proud of you.

      This might cheer you up: you’re not as bad with women as you believe you are. And the fact that you’re here means you’re on the right path. You should browse around the blog and read up on the posts, there’s tons of information on how to meet women, what to say, etc

      I’m sure you’ll find what you need, and feel free to message me if you need some help.

  12. Im currently having a similar experience with a girl. Any advice would be really appreciated. So I ve known this girl for some years, as a friend of my brothers at first, we ve known each other for years but werent really friends. Last year I started hanging out with her, we had a very fun summer. At first I just liked the company cuz she is cool and I never really had any sex thoughts, i didnt even think if i find her attractive, i just enjoyed her company, she made me happy. She is kinda busty and i liked more petite girls, so i didnt even think about doing anything with her.As we were hanging out more and more, we were getting more and more comfortable with each other,she started doing these stares and air kisses ya know…Before i continue i feel i must say that she was in a relationship with a guy for about 2-3 years.And at that time period they were having a fight through telephone. Her boyfriend is completely out of us (friends), we rarely see the guy, i must have seen him like 5 times. So she started showing more and more interest in me, she even ass slapped me couple times. Now, at this point, me being a virgin and have not actually been in these kind of situations many times, I started thinking about it, she clearly showed me she likes me, but she had a boyfriend and a few others before him, so we just continued to hang out without mentioning the elephant in the room. I was kinda jokingly saying “Lets go see some girls” when we were going at the bar and these kind of stuff, we were really open with each other. One night after i said that and actually looking around for some girls, she came at me, staring me into my soul and asked me, with a different voice tone, if i do this so she ll get jealous, i asked her if she actually did get jealous, and she said “i do, very much” with a voice that i have never heard coming out of her before, like, more sexy and real along with heavy breathing. That was it, her staring is turning me on ever since. And I rarely get turned on seriously, im a 23y old virgin, sex was actually only a theory for me up to that point. Now, of course i didnt make a move or anything, but it was plain clear that us staring each other was so sexually tense. So…i am a pessimist, always thinking the worst, I started calming me down with thoughts and also had a friend which was backing up my bad thoughts, thoughts like “This is just a scene, she knows that from all guys our cycle, only I remain that didnt get fucked with any them (the girls of our cycle)”,”She just wants a summer fuck while her BF is away”,”She is just turned on because she has like 2 weeks to see her BF, and who can she fuck, take a look around, oh its me”,”Every friend of hers knows you are a virgin and they want someone fuck you” , these kind of “slutty” thought were coming on my mind. It made sense, im the only virgin in our group, kinda good looking guy, just started working out with a plan and had built a good body.Her friends and she were actually jokingly discussed and asking about the size of my dick repeatedly. One night i got drunk and went to her asking her why is she doing that to me, meaning that i have met her BF, i know they re together for like 2-3 years and he really is a very nice guy, like too good of a guy. She apologised and i told her we best stay friend. We were hanging out for 1 month more and then we kinda didnt speak often, at the winter months, we just had a “Hi” and these stuff. She even got kind of mad at me too because I told her best friend that she is not cool that with long-term relationship she was saying these things,u know slutty/flirty things, like things a girl without a relationship would say (on top of flirting with me). We didnt speak for months, i thought, okay we ll just be more cold friends from now on. The last month, my bro broke up and she was supporting him, going out for beers every day, and like that we started hanging out again, we were cold at first of course…but only some times to a bar and we were like we were at the good days. At that point she was good with her BF, so she started saying to things like “hey man, lets find you a girl”, “lets go see some girls” and such. It felt stange at first, but i said , wtf, she has a BF, its normal. But as we were continuing hanging out she got more friendly. And she even got prettier, i dont know if it was me that thought that, but she did, lose some weight, face got prettier and such.When we were watching movies with a group of friends, she asked me to u know, play with her hair. I didnt know if this was normal, if i was overthinking it cause im a virgin and had no experiences before, but i found it flirty. I was playing with her hair, combing, and after that massaging her head, touching her ears and such. She was continuing to bring up the girl search thing for me a couple of time. But she also came more close to me, resting her leg on me, started stares and weird faces again, she liked me, i knew it, and the way were having fun and the stares showed it. But she continued saying to me that i must found a girl. At some point i think we only wanted to watch movies with friends just so we i can massage her,touch her, and her touch me. She started touching my hand or my leg while i was gently and sensually playing with her neck and hair. Both heavy breathing, feeling each others breath. We didnt say anything at the point, we were just giving these looks to each other, it was like having sex already (not that i would know , lol). Our relationship was still not mentioning the elephant in the room, i realised she kinda tried not to talk about her BF when she could avoid it. One night after some wines, after 1 hours of touching my arm and leg, she said it. I want you. Like that. so simple yet so tense moment. Our stares,man. We were actually trying so hard to control ourselves, pupils dilated, adrenaline or numbness-like feeling, the body can not lie,we genuinely WANTED each other. Yet we were trapped in our morals. After she said that she wanted me i asked her what she can do about it anyway. With a non-GobreakupwithyourBF meaning. That night she pushed it, i was caught in a middle of something i dont wanted to be a part of. The third in a relationship, the dick who after i meet a good guy and having nice little chats, i then go with your girlfriend, it was against my morals. So i did my best to contain myself, on something that, as a virgin, i have only felt one time in my life. I dont know if it was love, or pure lust for each other. She pushed it…we went by foot to home, we somehow got alone, all our friends had vehicles. She insisted to hold hands, I liked it, i wanted it too, but it felt wrong. Kinda drunk as i was, i dont remember very clearly these moments. She was holding my hand and staring at me, with her pupils so much dilated, i wanted so much to stare her, i couldnt resist, i was taking little peaks at her stare. I raised my pressure on her hand after some stares, she couldnt anymore, go in front of me. We stopped. “What? what are you thinking now ? DO IT. Do what u think.”, again, different voice tone, aroused, tense. I asked her to stop, 2-3 times, we kept staring and she continued “What?What?”, we kissed for more seconds, it was to tense and wrong for both of us. She tried not too, i did too. I was out of mind just repeating “Wrong, wrong. it said i wouldnt do it and i did it”, we couldnt hold again. I pushed her against the wall and we made out. I stopped at some time…”No, its wrong.”, she pulled me back “Come…” again, aroused. We stopped, we were both kinda shocked after, we were mumbling like, “did we just kissed?”, everything happened so fast and passionate, seriously. “We should keep this to ourselves” she said. And so we did. You would think im being too cheesy now but next day at work i couldnt think. Its not that i was thinking her face but i just couldnt think anything. My breathing was also different, heavy breathing and weird feeling, like i was anxious all day long, but like, with a good feeling. My stomach and my breathing felt different all day long. She didnt avoid me after, we didnt brought it up, but we were very close. After some days, i sensed she wanted to block all this feeling we were getting, no stares, no touching my leg or arm, and kinda avoiding me and talking me like there is nothing anymore. I was angry, i dont know why, but it showed at some point and she asked me, like she had no idea why. I told her an excuse and we moved on. She was colder with me now, I was combing through her hair and head,neck and it wasnt tense, it felt dull, like she was blocking it somehow,i was kinda upset but i said to myself that she must have got her shit together like “WTF are you doing, (her BF’s name) loves me and i love him and we are 3 years together, and he even met and talked with (my name). I cant do this to him.”. Some days went like this, we were hanging out but she didnt give stares or anything to me, normal friends. Last night after some drinks, i caught her doin it again, i was happy, i knew it was still wrong but i was happy, i wanted this, i liked her and she made me happy with just a stare. Later she told me,”i dont feel comfortable bringing up my BF when you listen. For obvious reasons”. And now here i am. Not knowing what to think and do…push it ? just continue hanging out and let her decide what the fuck she’s doing ? does she just want me for an occasional “high” when she’s days without sex ? cant keep doing this, take her out my life subtly because she keeps me on her, i cant move on, i dont even REALLY pay attention to other girls when im out..maybe only wants to know the virgin muscle guy dick size ? HEY! you CANT fake this sexual tense ! My mind is ripped apart, is this love? or a virgin’s close to sex experience ?

  13. Hey Gutsygeek, i got a story to share with you that made me confused what to decide wether to cut her off or remain as a friend. I’ve been dating with her for months. We’re in the same college. Although, i know that she already has a boyfriend. Because i’ve been stalked her at first. A week after our friendship starts, she told me that she likes me and say that im attractive. To be honest, she already stole my heart since the first day we met. I started to like and love her everyday since she’s been nice to me. We’ve talked a lot, on the phone till late night, hanging out, made out and many others. Just like every couple do. I even wrote her a letter telling about my feelings towards her. She said she also loves me but don’t want to hurt me because she has a boyfriend. It’s hard for me to let go of her. Also there’s a day where she told me to not contacting her. Told me to change and be different so that she can hates me and move on with her current boyfriend. I did what she asked. Do the NC rule and else. But still, she stills contact me tells that im different. That i’ve changed. And said that she misses the old me and want the old me back. I was like are you kidding me? I did what she asked for and now she needs me and want me to stay with her for the rest of her lives. I am so confused. Please help my situation. We’re still in touch for now. Still making out, dating and other else. I hope you can help solve my situation. I’m really confused what to do with her. I’m so much in love with her and dont wanna lose her :/

    • Hi Elianor, this girl you’re into seems dangerous. She appears to be taking advantage of you.

      You did the right thing by doing what she asked and doing the NC rule. That was a good move. But she realized she was losing you, and she wanted you back, even though she already has a boyfriend. That’s a terrible thing to do.

      At this point, I recommend you tell her to choose between you and her boyfriend. If she won’t give you an answer, then drop her, NC rule again, and move on.

      It will be difficult, but you need to do it, because right now she’s using you as her man on the side. What if she never leaves her boyfriend for you? It’s total bullshit, and you deserve better.

  14. Hi, GustyGeek. I got interested in a girl at my job and I then I learned she had a boyfriend. Then we started to be friends, but only at work. She started telling me she wasn’t happy with her boyfriend. Couple of days later I heard she was going out with some work partners and I managed to get myself into their plans. So before that night at our work she started telling me that her and boyfriend were about to break up. That night we did party and she kissed me. Then we cuddled and we didn’t see each other for about 5 days,we just texted. Next week-end we did about the same. So I started having feelings for her and she was still with her boyfriend so i told her I had feelings for her and she told me she didn’t know if she had feelings for me (wtf?)… She said that she doesn’t want me to stop talking to her and she’d like me to be her friend. Now it’s been two week we text everyday and she keeps saying she is not happy with her boyfriend.She invites me now and then to do some activities,but now im mad. Yesterday I text’d her and she said “let’s talk tommorow ok?I need a night alone”. I’m gonna be seeing her today in a party and I don’t want to talk to her because she is fucking me up. Should I wait some more because I really like her or she’s just using me?

    • Man, it looks like she’s using you for support. It doesn’t appear like she’s being dishonest with you: she told you she just wants to be friends, right?

      So now it’s on you. It doesn’t matter if she’s not happy with her boyfriend, it doesn’t look like she’s going to leave him anytime soon. Do you really want to stick around and hope and wish that she leaves him? And then hope that the friendship you have will turn into something else? It’s not worth it.

      She was honest with you, and now you need to be honest with yourself: you don’t want to be her friend. You want to be her lover. But there’s very little chance that happens. So move on, and meet someone else.

    • Yes indeed she told me that she’d like us to be friend,but she also told me that I wasn’t making myself false hopes and she is not indifferent about me. Then she told one of her good friend IRL that she didn’t know if she had feelings for me. She said she like spending time with me because I am giving her more attention than her boyfriend. Making her smile,have fun etc. I remember telling her I hope everything gets fixed with her boyfriend and she said “not to discourage you, but i don’t think it’ll be soon” I that a sign for me? I’ve talked with one

      Should I ignore her tonight or take her for a walk and express once again my feelings, telling her that I really tried to be her friend, but it’s to hard for me because I always think about her.

  15. “There are tons of single girls out there waiting to meet you”, Im sorry but what a load of f***ing crap. In my 27 years most girls I meet are one of the following..

    Brutal Honesty is hard to find so here it is.
    Types of girls I meet…

    – Single but waiting for her friend to find a partner for her, and wont date you because she never met you though one of her friends.
    – Not single but interested (Most recent).
    – Single and not interested. (Will happily date anyone else but you.)
    – Lesbian (But you can still be friends.)
    – Single but does not like you and tells you why. (Rare BUT awesome)
    – Single, interested but Interest dies in about the same amount of time it take a lambo to hit 100.
    – Taken and unhappy, but still wouldn’t date you.
    – Single and wants it to stay that way. (Possibly ASexual, what a gift!)
    – Single but has an index of ‘options’. (The string along)
    – Married. (Usually after the age of 26, few girls remain that you could or even stand a chance at loving / dating, maybe untill you are 40 something might be desperate enough to love you because Audi R8.)
    – Engaged (Ring on left ring finger?).
    – Single but wouldn’t date you because you ‘look like a player’.
    – Single but won’t date you because you are too ‘hot’? (WTF)

    The list goes on!, its not about single and not single. Its more complex than that and any guy with exp knows it!.

    • Hey Drmiller, your answer seems like you’re very bitter about women. From an outside perspective, it looks like you got rejected, wanted to complain, googled “she has a boyfriend”, found this post and ranted.

      Seeing as you gave me some “brutal honesty”, I’m going to give you some right back.

      Most of those women you listed are single, but won’t date YOU. Not other people, YOU specifically. Examples:
      – Single but wouldn’t date you because you ‘look like a player’.
      – Single but won’t date you because you are too ‘hot’? (WTF)
      – Single and not interested. (Will happily date anyone else but you.)
      – Single but waiting for her friend to find a partner for her, and wont date you because she never met you though one of her friends.
      Etc

      In all of these instances, there is one common thread. Do you know what it is? YOU.

      When a woman says she won’t date you because of the situations mentioned above, it’s because YOU came off in a certain way that turned on her protection mechanism. I’ve done it before as well, and it’s very annoying when it happens. For example, I once chatted with a pretty blonde at a club for an hour, we were getting close, and suddenly she pushed me away and said “I’m not that type of girl. I won’t go home with you tonight.” I couldn’t recover from there, and eventually I lost interest. Later on that evening, that exact same blonde went home with my best friend and her roommate, and they had a threesome.

      It’s not that she wasn’t “that type of girl.” It’s that she didn’t feel comfortable enough to be “that type of girl” with me. It’s a difficult problem to resolve, which many of us go through. I had it for a long time, and this appears to be your problem.

      You’ve listed tons of occasions where you got rejected, and that’s great! It means you’re trying. But from the looks of things, it appears as though you may be missing the lessons therein. When these things happen, it’s a sign you need to change the way you present yourself.

      How do I know there are tons of single girls waiting to meet you? Because I’ve approached literally thousands of women. Not a metaphor, literally thousands. And I learned from each one, so that at this point, I rarely trigger any of the responses you get.

      So, stop ranting. Change your approach instead. And read this:
      https://www.gutsygeek.com/you-can-be-bitter-about-women-or/

    • Why shouldn’t I rant?.. I rant because of all the men in he universe I had to be the good looking one with a NVC disorder. Please tell me how I become positive when I was raised in a negative house, how do I act like a f*ing winner when I know I have little if any success under my belt?, I have a girl say to me ‘I feel like a fat kid in a candy store around your’ and then we make plans and what happenes?, It doesn’t matter because at the end of the day it doesn’t matter what you did wrong or how you would do it over again because that ONE girl YOU wanted is sleeping with another guy, tell me how I am suppossed to be ok with this and how life is just shitty and some finish and others don’t, I feel like a guy who was given gifts that are USELESS AF. I somewhat hate women to a degree because I have realized that you are 100% correct, women win, men lose, women like men who make them feel and I have done that, I have spaded away for hours and hours and pulled strings people cannot reach and for what?.. tell me how all this end before a gun in my mouth makes that decision.

      Some men are in MMA and in a band while I write mobile apps (I love my job TBH) and game and go out and do all that pointless sh*t just so I can feel good enought about myself so that a girl MIGHT like me?????, You know I had a girl message me 2 days ago (I knew her from 7 years ago) and she told me all this sh*t about XYZ and all I can think is.. Ironic, im the guy you will run to 7 years later after you have married and had a child and realised the guy you were dating was in fact a complete tool and that wasn’t just my opinion?, Now I feel really good, I get stood up by a girl I really liked and now a girl I liked 7 years ago comes out the blue and tries to be nice to me, Im sorry WTF!.

      I don’t know how long it has taken you to know what you know but I have only started ‘being a man’ or so I thought about a month ago, I started making the move, trying to be the funny fuck women everywhere seem to like and part from the endless challenges I still have… oh wow.. nothing.

      I know just as much as you do BTW, I just can’t stop myself feeling and recently after the fiasco with this girl that likes me and said things to me that no girl ever did and I was looking forward to meeting her and she didn’t pitch, oh and its not like how I feel matter so fuck it.

      Its like what a man is supposed to chase and show intrest but never feel, but I can’t help feeling, I swear if there was a pilll that could kill emotions I would have ODed on it long ago, Im tired of pain, Im tired of getting so close but never actually succeeding all the while girls.. love life, date who they choose, have 3 somes, and life is just epic for them, but for some guys.. well need I say to them ‘your story doesn’t have a ‘happily ever after”, that’s reserved for girls and guys who ‘get it’.

      Anyway enough ‘ranting’ seriously, I only have a completely legitimate reason to be upset but I am not supposed to be. I am a MAN.. I have to love without showing it, feel without complaining about the pain, and smile with a broken heart and be a good guy regardless of the sh*t girls give me.

      The funny thing is.. You have to appreciate the beauty in women and like them and for what she is, as a person and the things you don’t see. Ironically we live on a rock where the female human species seems to thrive at the expense of another.

    • I wrote out a long post filled with advice for you. But then I realized you don’t want any of it. You want someone who agrees with your rants. You’re not going to find that here. I disagree with nearly everything you say.

      But you obviously know as much as I do, as you say. So you don’t need my help, because your approach is working for you really well.

      Keep doing what you’re doing then, because it’s obviously bringing you tons of success.

    • Dude its fine, im over it, im not gonna rant about it because I know what I bring to the table, and yes I know you can’t expect someone to like you if you do not like them, but I’m working on it still, never said I was giving up.

  16. Hi I really enjoyed this article but a quick question regarding the situation one of my friends is currently in what if it’s a long distance thing and her boyfriend doesn’t suck he’s actually a really nice guy and you both have talked it out she’s not leading you on she told you she had feelings for you but really loves her boyfriend and has told her boyfriend about said feeling but you also really like her and now you know she has feelings for you things are different how do you and her deal with this problem what are your thoughts . And also as if you hadn’t already discovered she does not get jealous when he flirts with other girls if anything she encourages it

    • You don’t have to deal with anything. The guys chill out, and the girl needs to decide who she wants to be with. Pretty simple really, she was honest about it with everyone, now she has to decide what she wants to do. Alternatively, if the three are ok with it they can all get into a polyamory relationship 🙂

    • Okay so update ……. The girl just broke up with her boyfriend because she needed to get her emotions sorted she hated liking two of us at the same time and is struggling with multiple anxiety and depression disorders, however her and I have been spending a lot of time together and she’s made it clear she doesn’t want me to feel like the rebound so she’s taking an appropriate amount of time . I just I really want to ask her out and I need to know when the right time to do that would be and how I would go about that I am a very shy person help.

  17. I’m in a bit of a tricky situation, so there’s this girl who I’ve met at some parties and she hangs out with a lot of the same people I do. She has a boyfriend of which she’s on and off with and they have a weird relationship, the problem is that she’s always flirting with me and giving me hints that she wants me… I’m very attracted to her and want to start something with her. However I’m quite good friends with her “on and off” boyfriend and he knows I’ve been talking to her. She’s constantly flirting with me and I don’t know whether to flirt back or back off

    • If you’re friends with her boyfriend, then you need to know that if you make a move with her, it could ruin your friendship with him. Are you willing to ruin that friendship, even though this girl might reject you in the end? If so, then you tell her how you feel and that you want to date her.

  18. I’m in love with my best friend for several months. We have that special bond, we can spend countless hours together and it never gets weird or boring.
    The sad part for me is that she has a boyfriend, but she never talks about him. It’s a long distance relationship and they rarely see each other (they won’t see each other for another half year).
    She has already told me several times that she really liked me but what does it say? Is she trying to leave a backdoor open, just in case?
    She often comes to my place and touching is quite normal for us.
    We text everyday and I have to think about her everyday.
    Should I confess to her?
    It could get weird because we see each other at university quite often.
    But I don’t really want to keep living like this. I tried to date somebody else but it just didn’t work out, still had to think about her.

    So should I try it and move on if it doesn’t work or am I too selfish if she is already in a relationship? What are the chances she also has feelings for me?

    • I think you should be honest with her ,she obviously has pretty strong feelings for you but you want to be more then a back door you want to be a priority . You should tell her you have feelings for her and leave it at that if she likes you and is willing to not be with her boyfriend because of it go for it.however if she’s keeping you around as a just in case I think you should move on you deserve better thEn to be second

    • I think you should tell her how you feel and ask her if she feels the same. 95% of the time, the answer is no, but there’s a 5% that it’s a yes. The reason I want you to do this is because you’re obviously hung up on her, and it’s stopping you from meeting someone else, as you said. Try. Ask her. Be honest. And if she says she doesn’t feel the same way, you’ll finally be able to let go, move on, and meet someone new. Good luck bro!

    • I have told her that i have feelings for her and she turned me down. I stopped contacting her and I am about to move on. I have met someone else and it looks like shes really into me 😉

      So you were right and I wish I have read this some months earlier.

      Thanks!

    • Man, congrats! Well done, really. It takes a lot of courage to tell someone how you feel about them, I’m really proud of you for doing it.

  19. I met a girl3 day ago she telling me she was married but she was not married .she is nice and flirting alproach me for sex not directly but by her gesturs and body language she call me to her room several times.and change clothes in in another room while opening the door but I don’t see her while changing.again calling me to there to her room for helping her neclace to wear and try to seduce me by showing clevage but I did not did nothing I was so intense that time I took control on myself .I know she want me to take charge but I haven’t did nothing.afet she was ready while walking she slips and and I got another opportunity I hold her she hugs me tightly.I said to leave me she agin tell me to spend some more time with her.again call to her room and seducing me we look at each another for 5 min and she lay on bad and tell me to fix her gown zip.while fixing zip she hold me and hug.during that time I was un consious suddenly I realized is I am doing wrong.so I did not cross the limit.saying me to spent more time with her during night.she also took my no. And follow me in instagram.she left today in the morning.now am realize that I want to make long relatin with her what shall I do to keep touch with her and make strong bond with her.I send her mesages in the night but I haven’t get reply.plz tell me what to do so that she reply me and call me back and loves me. Make relation with me.what should I do she trust me that this guy is good and come back again to me.

    • Dude, she invited you to her room and sat on the bed. You should’ve had sex with her. At this point, she may have taken your lack of advances as a rejection, so it’ll be difficult to recover. Women will meet you halfway, but she won’t do all the work.

      There isn’t much you can do besides ask her out for a coffee or dinner and see what happens. BUT DON’T PESTER HER! If you send her one message, that’s enough for now.

  20. Sounds pretty same situation im in but trying to get out of, nearly 2 years mine has gone on, she doesnt want to be with her bf but with me but tells me because they live together its hard for her (she got bad past with ex husband) known her for 6 year, everytime i challenege her on it she changes subject or says cant we talk like we do everyday than this intense stuff, but its same cycle tells me she wants me but does nothing about it, but i do like the “im not ure bf qoute” which i do think id goin to be used, she has no ties with her bf no kids etc her house but im confused with it all now

  21. i have a crush on someone for 10 years even before i knew what love is but i never got the chance to tell her and this year she is taken. i watch her bf kissing each other in class while i was sitting next to the, i felt jealous but i kept it in. now i cant hold on anymore i need to take her back. she is like my bestfriend but i want to be more than that. she treat me like a baby because well even though we’re in highschool everybody treat me like a baby because people think i am cute. my heart broke forever this year and i have 1-0 years to tell her but i never got a chance.

    • 10 years and you never had the chance? I call bullshit. You had MANY chances over ten years, you just never took any of them. Well, now she’s with someone else and you need to move on. Sometimes man life teaches you hard lessons, and the lesson here is “fortune favors the bold”. Next time you have an opportunity, seize it and go forwards.

  22. I had a gf, she had two boyfriend’s over 2 years and m the third. i had issues with her going near her second ex boyfriend so we had fights over the issue and almost 6 months we never properly met or talked with each oder . now she wants to come with me again in my life .. m not understanding what she wants either me or him .. pls help me out with the suitation

  23. Hey GutsyGeek. Great article, just wanted to share mine.

    So I’ve just recently bumped into a girl who ( I have known for years ) in the gym and we had good catch up , were also friends on FB so I new she had BF so I asked her if she was up for doing tough mudder , like get bunch of us going she was keen for it and I asked her what about your BF , she kinda paused.. and said nar he is not into that stuff and tells me she going through a rough patch with him , since that not really talked that much seeing that she is on rocky boat with her fella didn’t want to get to close if she is having a bad time but we have been bumping into each other more and more in the gym at the same time and I always see her glancing over at me through the mirror , when we do make eye contact we both smile at each and she does like a little giggle and like flicked her hair , I just make nothing of it that she is just being friendly , I have been dating other girls as well , like its been said before no point going after a girl that’s taken when their is loads of single girls out there. but sometimes you just can’t help yourself who you like , I do like this girl.

    Just want to know your opinion ?

    • She’s got a boyfriend buddy. If you’re into her, you can tell her so, but make it clear that you’re not going to mess around if she’s got a boyfriend.

  24. I’m just now stumbling upon this but parts of this article are bullshit and degrading women.
    Having a crush while having a boyfriend isn’t “emotional cheating” That’s complete nonsense. And you can’t just assume with little proof and information that this girl is using him for a “backup plan” either.
    I have a boyfriend, and I have a crush on this really cute guy in my class. We’re friends, and I respect that. Sure, I have feelings for him but I do not act upon those feelings at all. In fact, my boyfriend knows about my crush and he’s completely fine with it. I’m sure he has mini crushes as well, and that’s okay.
    It’s only natural to feel attracted other people if you’re in a relationship (especially a shitty one, long distance, or long term)
    Sorry about this rant. Good night.

    • You are throwing random words into my mouth, and I don’t know why.

      There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with having a crush on someone else. I never said that, and I never will. It’s normal to feel attracted to other humans when you’re in a monogamous relationship.

      What I DID say in the post, and what the post is about, is when you’re in a monogamous relationship, you have a crush on someone else, and you lead them on to think they have a chance with you. The post is about using a 3rd person, guy or girl, for emotional affection, getting some kind of commitment from them, and giving them none back.

      Now, in your case, you developed a crush on another dude, that’s totally fine. You told your boyfriend, which is even better, and you firmly established the friendship boundary with your crush.

      If everyone was like you, the world would be a wonderful place. There would be no confusion. Guys wouldn’t pine after women in relationships, and if they did, they’re quickly learn not to.

      In comparison, the woman in the post above had a boyfriend, also had a crush on Winfred, told him she liked him, and led him on without giving him any kind of commitment. Then she got pissed off at him for hooking up with someone else.

      Two very different things.

  25. Hey I recently just told this girl I been seeing who has boyfriend, to stay away from me any my family and I want nothing to with you. I won’t go into detail but after reading some posts and you’re article. I’m very happy with my decision and I will be able to move on now with some experience in future thank you guys! I’ve been feeling like shit for last two days but this is wonderful and you’ve had lifted my spirit! Bloody oath I deserve better and I waiting around! 🙂 cheers Gusty!

  26. This article is really helpful. I tried to follow it and i’d appreciate if there is any further advice.
    I met a girl 2 weeks ago, i knew she has a long distance bf since the day we met so I tried not to fall her. But then she asked me out and I just couldnt say no. We were hanging out a LOT during last two weeks. Movies, dinners, cooking for each other, just like normal date you can think of. I’m pretty sure she also has feelings for me though it might not be enough to break up with her bf.
    I tried to make it slow but still i fell too fast. We were talking everyday and I cant stop thinking about her. Then i found that she will go meeting her bf next weekends. Thats when the red flag went up to me and i seached on google, found this article.
    So i did the “cut her out of your life” thing. It was two days ago I set up a dinner. After the dinner i made my confession. Instead of asking her to decide, i just told her we should stop meeting like this because i think im in love with her (I kinda knew the answer after reading your article so didnt even bother asking her to make a choice). She accepted it, we went home separately and no contact since then.
    Now my problem is that im starting to doubt if i really made the right call. Am i making the move too fast? Because two weeks may be too short to grow enough intimacy, now i cant help thinking if i keep hanging out with her for a few more months, there might be a better outcome.
    Another problem is im have a bad time after the cutting out. I would appreciate if you can share some practical advice for the healing process. Because i doubt telling a heart broken guy “There are plenty of marvellous single girls out there just waiting to meet you.” is reassuring at all.

    • Hey Hugh, great job on being honest about how you felt buddy. It’s not easy to do, and you did the right thing.

      Waiting longer wouldn’t have made a difference for her, except that you would’ve fallen for her more and more, making the separation even harder.

      What you’re experiencing after the fact is kinda like a breakup, only it’s a bit more difficult because you didn’t actually date her. Instead, you’re dealing with the breakup of the hopes and dreams you pinned on her. That means she was probably perfect in your mind, and you broke up with an ideal version of her. It’s rough.

      But the good news is, you can treat it just like you treat a breakup. You watch some movies, spend time with friends, take it easy, and be sad. Let the sadness come, feel it, and it will eventually fade. Give it some time, seriously. Feel free to email me if you want to chat more.

      In the meantime, you can also hop over to my breakup posts:

      https://www.gutsygeek.com/how-to-survive-a-breakup/
      https://www.gutsygeek.com/the-best-breakup-ever/

  27. I apologized in advance but this is gonna be a long one too.

    *I’m single as I ended my relationship because I didn’t feel for my bf. And also to open up opportunity to meet others.

    I gotten close with these colleague of mine, he approached me first at a company’s party. I never really thought of him till he pulled me to the dancefloor to kiss me. I made it brief because I was afraid that our colleagues might see us. On the first date he tried to have sex with me and I rejected him and left. After that in office I tried my best not to make it awkward. After that he tried again but still I didn’t give in yet. The next date he was getting frustrated and said why wouldn’t I do it with him if I liked him. I said if we were to do anything word cannot get out to other colleagues. He said okay. I wouldn’t deny not liking him but I was trying to take things slow.

    After we shared an intimate moment, he was still nice to me after that. But my mistake was I took it too seriously and it turns out that he was just out for fun and he shared our moments with his closest friends and of course word got out. Fast forward many months later, I met this guy B, friendly guy, its really easy to talk to him and it’s not often you find someone whom you can click with.

    I invited him to hangout as friends but he never did call. Then one night at a company’s drinking session I bump into him. I was talking with almost all the colleagues except him, I knew he was trying to get eye contact with me I can feel it. Finally after a while I looked at him and he gave the signal to come over.

    I swear by now I was feeling the alcohol and I was a lil out of it and I didn’t care what I did in front of all my colleagues. I was beside him talking then suddenly this girl came over and asked for money to play pool. At that point I didnt realize that was his gf, but he sort of confess. And I said why didn’t you tell me? I know he don’t owe me or need to tell me explanation. He said because they weren’t doing quit well and he thinks i’m funny, i’m good with everyone, active bla bla bla. (I can’t recall the exact words as I said I was already out of it) I asked why aren’t they doing well, he said she’s 21 and a student.

    Apparently after that I spoke to him for an hour trying to convince him to leave his gf. Then i convince him to ditch his gf to come with me to another pub. He did follow me to the other pub and at one point we kissed. I’m really sorry for whatever I did and worst I don’t remember how it even felt like.

    So the next day my gf who was with me told me that she was very disappointed with my actions and colleagues were looking down on what i’ve done and B’s friend even made a bet with the other colleagues to see what’s going on with us. Her concern is she doesn’t want me to have a bad rep that guys think they can just go in my pants easily. She also said that I mention to her that i sounded so proud when i told her i got rid of his gf. I apologized so many times over what i did.

    On the next working day, B actually came to see me to say hi. And i said to him you look like I did something horrible that night. Thn i asked him what did i do wrong that night? (It’s all fuzzy I remember bits here & there). He didn’t believe that I couldn’t remember at all. And he starts telling me. He said you don’t remember you spoke to me an hour convincing me to leave my gf? and I said that shes hot but not for him. I said SHIT did i say that? I am so sorry. I would apologize to your gf if I can. He said not necessary she doesn’t know. Then he continued to tell me what I did. I don’t see what’s the point of making me remember my horrible actions that night.

    After he went down he said we’ll talk about it. He text me and asked if I would like to have lunch. I said im too lazy to go out and im sorry for doing those things and i asked what else did i do? (reason i said no to lunch was because I promised my best friend to not have anything with office guys and also am afraid it might be anthr bet or they are coming to me for a free meal as she put it). Finally he said that we kissed and my bestfriend caught us and I left with her & another friend. I kept apologizing for what I did and he said dont and alcohol helps us do things that we don’t dare. And he’s not sorry that it happened.

    I told him that ppl might have seen us kissing and he said no, only my bestfriend caught us. I couldn’t tell him about the bet i heard so i just said how bout him did he see us? He said no and anyways is it really a big deal? I said yea u have a gf. He said hum true. Then i said i hate to loose a friend because of all these drama. He said dont worry there is no drama.

    I admit that I liked him a little more than I should, and what I did was wrong. But it’s so hard to stay away. He’s still talks flirty with me every now and then. Sometimes I wonder is it so wrong to fall for someone? I’m sure he knows i like him too. Now I have to act like we are just buddies but also keep my distance because I don’t want to generate anymore gossip as well as any underlying bet. I would have just gone ahead and continue talking with him like I don’t care but it’s annoying because i’m afraid that i’m just a joke to him & his friends/colleagues and I have to keep that boundary.

    I still go out and meet people, that you don’t have to worry. But I haven’t found someone that makes me feel connected like him. It’s like I know what I need to do but also don’t know. I would appreciate your advise.

  28. So im 17 now. There is this girl that i really really like. I met her his year and we really clicked. She always says that I am her favourite schoolmate, and we would skype through the night, 2 to 3 times a week. In school, she would sit beside me, put her head on my shoulder, and follow me around. Its the school holidays now and she keeps asking me out, and we really enjoy our time spent togther. However, she has a boyfriend of 2 years. She only mentioned him once, and never really spoke about him again. Since I only met her this year, I dont really know about her past life, and her friends from the past, therefore i cannot really find out more about their relationship. Im very curious about how their relationship is going, and im unsure if i should actually confess to her, or wait till she breaksup with her boyfriend. I dont want to lose her as she is one of my closer friends, and her having a boyfriend also breaks my heart a little. So what should i do?

  29. Hey Gutsy Geek!

    I need your Gutsy advise on this one.. So my colleague and i started to hang out and flirt alot we made out a few times but she has a GIRLFRIEND (6yrs relationship) who is very far away…

    I am starting to have some serious feelings with her and she always says to me that she cant leave her. I know its not a Guy but seriously should i force myself to her or just walk away…

    I am scared that if 1 day we are together she might do the same with me.

    Thanks in advance bro!

  30. thanks mr., i dont know who u r, bt ur post is really amazing…. bt,
    my bad luck…the girl & her bf , we study in the same college… and it really hurts to see her with her bf… i cant even concentrate in my studies…

  31. im actually going through something like this rn but truth is shes in a long distance with her bf and i actually met her she thinks im handsome and sweet and she digs me and like i hugged and kissed her already soo im guessing im the better guy for her. she doubts her current relationship as well, but in conclusion she likes me and all that she flirts with me and everything, and id love to date her and shed love it too but it may be too early to tell rn since its only been 2 weeks now

  32. Yoo I am in a similar situation with an ex of mine (we were together 9-10 months and broke up Cus I moved away for work).. She seems pretty keen but has a boyfriend, we see eachother pretty much every day and get on really well. I mean we kiss and stuff but haven’t done anything serious since shes been with her new bf.. But like Idk what you guys think do I break it off or not because as you say in the article ive been feeling like im just a backup plan to be honest.. But I do like her and I think she genuinley likes me but idk

  33. Hi.. I have this problem with an ex of mine (we were together 10 months and broke up because I had to move for work).. She’s had this bf for about 6 months and she seems to like him although she spends more time with me.. We havent done anything serious since we broke up but we kiss/cuddle alot.. I genuinely love her and ive told her this and shes promised we’ll be together eventually but I just feel like a backup plan and its really draining me.. Also when I was away working I slept with another girl and she was really mad about it and didnt talk to me for ages because of it even though we werent dating.. I don’t know what to do im not sure if ill be able to cut her out we’ve known eachother for like 3-4 years and have had some really great times.. But on the other hand im a mess im not talking/going out as much and when I do go out its only so I can get blind drunk/high.. my friends have all noticed and mentioned it to me but I just brush it off.. and advice would.be much appreciated, thanks
    Harvey

  34. I had a similar situation, though I little more confusing. And sorry in advance for a long post.

    So the day before yesterday I went out with a friend for a couple of beers, and he brought a friend (girl) who came with her boyfriend. The boyfriend went home early, and I hooked up with the girl (I know, I’m an asshole but I really liked her). Also, she seemed to be really into me, constantly giving me compliments and what not.
    The day after next me and her went out for coffee (my friend told me she was probably gonna break up with the guy anyway), and she totally took me off guard. She was nice and all, but totally closed off. Also, she was a lot more shy then before, but to be fair, the first time she had a few drinks and I presume she did it so she could relax a little more. At the end, when I was leaving and she was off to work she gave me a damn high five (lame).

    My thoughts are, she was meeting her boyfriend the same day and she didn’t want to feel like a slut by making out with me a few hours earlier. This is my opinion because as I said, the first time we met she didn’t hide that she really, really liked me.

    I would appreciate thoughts on this because, again, I really like this girl but I’m not gonna be anyone’s puppy.

    P.S. We exchanged numbers, fb, all of it before the second date.

    • Hey man, sometimes people have flings outside of their relationships, but don’t necessarily want something serious.

      It might be that she just wanted to fool around, but still wants to be with her boyfriend. Or it might be that she’s breaking up with him, and needs a rebound.

      She may also have felt a bit slutty for sleeping with someone outside of her relationship, and thus protected herself by being shy and aloof when she hung out with you the next day. If this is the case, you can make her feel better by being cool about it. Don’t judge her behavior, assure her you won’t tell anyone about what happened, etc

      Either way, the only way for you to find out is to ask to hang out with her again and see what happens.

  35. Hey rami ok so my situation is complicated theres ths girl at work the first time we met was kinda strange as we work for the same company but at different branches I just happened to have ended up at the head office where she was at the time band now we both at head office over time we started to see alot more of each other and I started to like her alot but never told her as her boyfriend works with us and we r also good friends things started going abit rocky for them and I was there to try nd calm her down nd lend an ear ect then she hit a stroke of bad luck nd her boyfriend wasnt prepared to help out so I jump in nd well things started coming right I eventually told her I really like her as I gt the feeling she was into me and turns out I was right so we have bn out together a few times and often chat on the fone but she still hangs out with her boyfriend evn after they kinda broke up she thn called me and told me she is inlove with me and I told her I feel the same hhow do I get her to b with me and forget about him I really love ths girl

  36. Hi I’m shah I fall n love with my gf last 6 yrs ago and we been togather for 3 yrs n then there some prob come and we leave each others bUT we miss each others allways n that time she found someone else n she fall n love with him n that guy was not really care for her but she said that he l9ve her .she was keep telling me that even she is with him she wan me also but I tell this is wrong let me go or let him go but to be honest I can’t leave her
    Her relation with him not yet reach to the bed yet .
    Now she come to me back but she allways worry for that guy and it’s hurt me she tell m that she had no love for him n this care will ask gone slowly plase advice me if what should I do I really feel hurt when I even hear his name from her mouth plzz advice me
    Regards
    Shah

  37. hy i fall for a girl in my clg thn i came 2 know she has a bf we hanged out for many days… thn one day i proposed her knowing she has a bf she told me that we can jst b friends thn one fine day i kissed her she didn’t resisted thn from that day we began to meet regularly she told me she also liked me but couldn’t do anything because she has a bf thn after some days she accepted me as her bf she told me evrything about her life she told me that she love us both she can’t leave him beacuse her bf’s parents know about he relationship…. thn days passed one fine day i went to her home we had sex there thn we began doing sex evry month… she told me that she hadn’t had sex wth her bf…. but her bf has touched her evrywhere and she didn’t resisted becoz he was her bf…now i am confused wht to do evrytime she go to his place i don’t like it at all I love her very much.. she is afraid of her bf…i am totally confused what to do whn i can’t live without talking to her…i can’t leave her…she has two bfs (first one nd i)…she has tells me evrything but she doesn’t tell anything to his bf…. she don’t want anybody let know that i am her bf jst becoz she has a bf already…plz tell me what ti do

    • Jhon, you’re dating a woman who’s dating another man. It doesn’t matter if they have sex or not, she’s with him. You’re just the man on the side.

      You need to decide if that’s what you want. Are you ok with being “the other man”? If so, then carry on as you were.

      But if you want a proper relationship, you need to talk to her, and she needs to leave her boyfriend to be with you.

      If she refuses to leave him, then you should start seeing other people as well. It’s not fair that she’s seeing two people, while you’re being faithful and monogamous with her.

  38. Hey I knew this girl for 5 and a half years (she lives in Canada and I live in New York) and have been in love with her for almost as long as I knew her she is ideal for me (plays video games watches anime with me beautiful kind smart always agree with each other and have really deep conversations about life etc.) but she was in a relationship the whole time, I was to scared to ask her out and confess my feelings to her this whole time because I was afraid of losing my amazing friendship with her but I’m soon going into the Air Force soon and planning to finally confess to her my feelings before I leave. ( I’m 18 and she is 20 should have said that earlier but oh well ) . But she always tells me how I would make a great boyfriend and how I’m quote ” You pay good attention to everything.” “and when you care about someone to, you really show them that.” But more about her boyfriend she consistently tells me about how she doesn’t trust her boyfriend (which is long distance) and how he doesn’t seem to care about her and I try helping her because in the end I just want her to be happy but she is never able to break up with him. boyfriend just brings up a lie about how he will try harder and he never succeeds. Please respond my huge crush on her has caused myself to lose out on other potential relationships because I want to remain loyal to her even though she isn’t mine.

  39. During my high school years, me and a girl used to like (and probably love) each other but we were never able to consolidate our relationship. College is over now and she’s dating. I started messaging her on fb and we are going out this week. I am single and I might want to date her. But is this normal? She has not mentioned her bf, she is not setting boundaries, so it’s intriguing. Is she about to break up? I know for sure that her family is not very content with her bf.

    • Doesn’t matter what her family thinks, what matters is how you and she get along. If she sees you as potential boyfriend material, and you set yourself up as a suitor, not as a friend, then it could work.

  40. I met this awesome chick for a short time, but it was intense. Then by the curse of the gods, her childhood best friend/first love that had moved and she had lost touch with years ago, magically reappeared (thanks Facebook) and bam, she left me with a series of text messages…

    A year and a half later, she’s calling me/texting me telling me she hasn’t had sex with her man in a year, because he’s emasculated and/or gay, or whatever, she doesn’t know, apparently they were so close, but can’t talk about sex… And, that I was the best she ever had and how she couldn’t offer me anything else, but she really wanted to cheat on her man with me. They all want to have their cake and eat it too. My story was a little different than yours, but I can definitely see the similarities in the way the women acted.

    I agree. You just have to tell these women to get their crazy all sorted out and then get back to you. Because, you gotta be a righteous dude. In my case, I was actually excited to hear from my ex, because she was an awesome and passionate woman who I was just starting to get close to when she left me. But, then she dropped this bomb about having a boyfriend, and I basically just came right out and told her that I’m not that kind of man, I’m not going to sneak around behind any man’s back and I don’t want no cheating woman!

    It should never be about “how to get the woman.” It should be about “how to maintain your integrity.”

    • Well said! I can’t agree with you more.

      Really good job sticking to your guns. You’re better than that, and you deserve better as well.

      I always ask myself one question: “will I be proud of myself when I look at myself in the mirror tomorrow morning?”

  41. I’m going through pretty much the same thing she has someone (although she rarely sees him it seems) and it was getting very personal between me and her. Yesterday I told her how I felt and how I think we should stop before I get in deeper and deeper. I told her I know I can’t have her because she’s with someone and turns out she felt the same way about me but felt guilty so that’s why we never took it further. I was hoping I would feel better but now I actually feel terrible because I think I might have screwed up any chances I might have had.

    Oh well we will get over it one day right?

    • Thanks for the answer but we got right back in it and this time it got even worse.

      2 days ago she was crying right in front of me saying she can’t even feel love for her current bf anymore and she wanted to feel hope we could be together. Now I learn today that last night her bf finally gave her a choice me or him, and I guess she ”realized” she still loves him and is pretty much back with him now. She keeps telling me how sorry she is and cried in front of me today again, even said crap like my only regret is that I never kissed you. What is happening here? She actually is a real sweet person I can’t imagine her tears were fake and I feel like she only chose him because he’s safe and convenient and I’m a risk. She tells me some of her deepest secrets that only myself (and her current bf) know. She still acts like I mean a ton to her. This rollercoaster of emotions is killing me and I don’t know what to do anymore. Is she just gonna get tired of him again? Are they doomed? Should I even bother waiting? I mean how often can a couple go through stuff like this and just reset like nothing happened? It’s not like it’s easy for me to see other girls I work almost all the time and my one day off a week is usually completely random.

      I’ve never felt about a girl like I do about her in my life and it’s totally killing me and I don’t know if she’s still into me and just bottling it up at this point.

    • Dude, it doesn’t matter what she FEELS or what she SAYS. What matters is how she ACTS.

      And right now, her actions are to ditch you, and be with another man. Remember, actions always speak louder than words.

      I think it’s very clear that she’s not as into you as she claims. You need to cut her out of your life and move on bro.

      Give her the speech that I have at the end of the article:
      “I’m not your boyfriend. You already have a boyfriend. I’m not waiting around for you to decide that maybe you’re going to break up with him for me. I’m worth more than that, and I deserve better than to be your backup plan. If you were single, and over him, we would be talking about getting together. But I will not be your “just in case”.”

      Then move on. Good luck man!

  42. No, there arent any wonderful single girls out there. They are all taken, and I will die alone and miserable.

  43. Hey, really hoping you can help me out on this one seeing as you have with everyone else, anything at all will help. Anyways I have been working with this girl for about a year now. We started off not talking much but after about a month we started hitting it off, just laughing and talking to each other. She tells me just about everything now. In the beginning I found out she was dating this guy and really liked him. I told myself to back off and not get in between that, so i pretty much let go of those feelings. I dated a girl after that for about 6 months and we broke it off. She wasn’t for me. After that my feelings came back for my co worker and much stronger than last time. I left my hometown for about 2 1/2 weeks and thought about her a lot. When i got back we had a very intimate conversation after the workday. She told me how much she missed me, how i always look good and how sometimes she gets feelings for me she cant help, especially that day, but feels bad for even feeling that way when she knows she loves her boyfriend . That day she made me come out with how much i like her, i didn’t want to damage our friendship by telling her but now she knows. Which leads me to where i am now. I catch her staring at me sometimes at work now, she’ll ask me if im talking to any girls at the moment, and shes even told me if i went on to pursue anyone else she would feel awful. She has been with her boyfriend for about a year and a half now. I care for her a lot though. Basically I would just like some advice on if i should try to pursue her and wait for however long they last or move on and forget about it? Also, what you think on if she has feelings for me or what? Thank you for anything you got for me.

  44. Hey

    I’m not a guy.. I’m a girl and you seem to give really good advice. I’d like to ask something and I dnt want any judgments plz, just honest advice. my bf and i have been together for 6 yrs.. no proposal, no committment other than just living together. I’ve invested alot in our relationship but still nothing and I love him with all my heart. he doesnt really kiss me romantically anymore for more than 30 seconds. He has a libido proplem and we haven’t been intimate in over 6 months. I’m still here, I understand but no matter hw much support I gv him, he refuses to fix it.. he doesnt go to the doc or anything, I know its a sensitive subject but our relationship needs intimacy. About 2 wks ago he said i must join a dating site and he made it like a joke but never said he was joking and even sat next 2 me and made me sign up. I told him I didn’t wana join because someone might be genuinely looking for love and I’m not single. So he said you are single for a month! I felt like he was joking but again no matter hw much I asked, he never sed he was joking. I met this guy and we’ve been chatting for 2 wks now. I was honest with him from the start about my bfz joke and the fact that I have a bf. My bf has seen me chatting to him and smiling and he said nothing until i mentioned this guy wants to take me out the all of sudden my bf was joking. this guy says to me that he knows i hv a bf and it doesnt seem like im happy. he says he is happy to hv me as friend but he also says he wants one kiss from me.. just 1. I love my boyfriend, I haven’t done anything wrong but I’ve started to really like this other guy and the feeling of kissing him back is mutual but I cnt so that to my man. this guy says but aren’t u single for the month. I don’t know what 2 do.. i love my boyfriend but due to his lack of interest in our future I developed feelings for another. my bf and I hv issues.. he is irresponsible with finances, he has never taken me on even a wkend away to relax.. we have religion problems.. mum in law problems… i need advice from people who genuinely care.. please help… Should i go out for a show or movie.. I will try to resist but what if he kisses me?

    • Hi Leona, this is a tricky situation. It looks like you love your boyfriend and want to work out whatever issues you’re having, right? If this is the case, you need to not date anyone else and work on your relationship first. Don’t go for that show/movie with new guy. Instead, sit down with your boyfriend and have a serious talk.

      The way you’re talking about your relationship right now, it seems like you don’t have a boyfriend, you have a roommate that’s living with you, who is kind of depressed, and not meeting your needs. That needs to change.

      Take the time to really dig into the issues you’re having, and his lack of effort. Something like:

      “I feel like our sex life needs work. What are somethings I can do to help improve it? What are some things you can do? If we work together on it, I’m sure we can make it better.”

      You can also potentially ask him why he suggested you create a profile on the dating website, then backed off and framed it as a “joke”.

      Whatever you do, don’t mention you’re attracted to someone else yet. Instead, try to focus on your issues first, and see if you can solve them. You’re right, sex and intimacy is very important in a relationship. Even 6 years into it, you shouldn’t be having sex less than a few times a month.

      Now, here’s the problem: if your boyfriend doesn’t want to make an effort, or brushes it off, you may have to ask yourself some very hard questions.
      “Can I stay with a man I love if our relationship is sexless? Do I want to open our relationship up to other people and try a NON-monogamous configuration? Why isn’t he making an effort to help our couple survive? Doesn’t he care enough? Can I stay with him even if he doesn’t propose?”

      I mention that last one because you seem to have marriage on your mind, and it’s not happening. In the end, you can’t force him to change. If he doesn’t give a shit that you’re having issues, and all you can see are the problems, it may be time to call it quits.

      There are plenty of excellent, single men out there who won’t take you for granted. You just have to find them.

    • wow.. thank you so much. your advice is really good and on point with what I’m going through. I’ve tried talking about it a million times, we’ve had the worst fights about it and nothings changed. I live in hope in a hopeless situation. The question of moving on kills me but that question lingers on my mind oh so often lately. I appreciate your honest opinion and advice. Investing 6 yrs in someone who doesn’t communicate when we love or fight is fustrating.. Apart from everything I’ve told you.. we hv so many other underlying issues. I’m scared to make a choice. what if its the wrong 1..

    • Well, that’s a lot of extra info. It all tells me one thing: you need to move on.

      You’re having problems, and he’s not putting any effort into fixing them. This tells me he doesn’t care about solving them. You, on the other hand, are trying to resolve the issues. The thing is, it takes both parties to make a relationship work. Relationships are like two-player videogames: you need to cooperate to win.

      My advice? Leave him. And if you’re worried about your relationship being a failure, don’t be. There’s no such thing as a failure in relationships. Were the Beatles a failure because they broke up? Of course not. They made some of the greatest music of all time while together, and when they split, their legacy lived on.

      You can do the same.

  45. Hey, Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I got this job just over a year ago. I work with mostly people way over my age but, their is one girl who is just 1 year older than I am. When we first met it was slightly awkward, probably because I’m slightly shy and she is gorgeous. Hands down the prettiest girl I have ever met. Anyways, after about a month we got used to talking to each other and now we tell each other just about everything. We joke around with eachother, she’ll flirt with me and I’ll fire back with some as well. I always thought it was harmless since I knew she had a boyfriend who now she has been dating for a year and a half. Sometimes she’ll hit me or kick me playfully , just screwing around. We work in tight packed sometimes because the way our counter is positioned and I’ll accidentley touch her butt or something like that when im passing her. She’ll act like shes making a big deal about it but just screws around with me. Its only ever me and her working alone in the shop a couple days a week so, we say whatever we want. In the beginning I thought i began to develop feelings for her but I brushed them away quickly. I have and still do, no intention of getting in between her and her boyfriend. Who I think is a good guy I’ve told her. Nothing more about him. If she brings him up I like to talk passed him. A couple months of working with her and i started dating a girl myself. Several months into the relationship I figured out I still really do have feelings for this girl I work with. I broke it off with her, knowing I really wasn’t happy and didnt want to hurt her even worse . After my break up, my co worker would start saying things to me like, ” You always look good, You’re super hot, or you’re really funny.” I coudlnt tell if this was her just trying to make me feel better or what was going on but, of course this made my ego jump through the roof and made my feelings about her that much more intense. I left my hometown for about 2 1/2 weeks and didnt see her for a while. Just about an hour after I was traveling back home she texted me that she missed me a lot and that I better work with her the week following. That week at work it was very slow almost no customers our entire shifts so we talked like normal just joking around and about relationships or sex. For some reason we got onto the topic about how we were in bed and she mentioned that she thought I was strong or controlling. This ended up turning her on and she felt terrible at the same time for thinking it because of her boyfriend. This brought her feelings out about me too. She told me that she missed me a lot when I was gone, shes had dreams of me and that she doesnt want me leaving our job for my sports seasons. I ended up telling her how much I liked her and left it at that. The other guys I work with when im not with her tell me how they think she has a crush on me but I really just dont know. I feel like I have no idea on what to do . Basically, i just want some advice on if i should wait for her or forget about her and move on. It seems to me shes also happy with her boyfriend. Also, does she possibly like me or have feelings as I do towards her or is she just leading me on?

    • Hey Jesse, I don’t think anyone’s leading anyone on. She’s probably just flirting and confiding in you. It happens when humans work and spend lots of time together.

      I think if you’re into this girl, you should make your intentions clear. Tell her you like her, and you want to know if she would like to date you. If she’s not interested, you’ll know for sure, and then you can move on with your life.

      The upside is if she ever leaves her boyfriend, she’ll know you’re there and you’re an option.

  46. Hello,

    I’m a girl and I know this post is old but it seems to me you give really logical advice and still reply posts (: Would appreciate if you could give me some advice!

    I’m in a 5 year relationship and very happy in every way with my partner. But I’m in college and my boyfriend goes to college upstate so we only meet up on the weekends. In college, I spend time with a separate group of friends, in particular this guy who takes all the same classes as me. I’ve made it clear that I’m attached from the very beginning, and he said he only wanted to be friends. I admit I have had some feelings for him from time to time, especially when drunk, but I love my boyfriend way more and have never acted on any of them. This goes on for three years and I was very happy with how everything was, as was my boyfriend, and I thought my friend was too. The two even met in person a few times and got along well.

    Then my friend suddenly confesses that he has romantic feelings for me, and has had these feelings for almost half a year. He says he knows I’ll never leave my boyfriend, but was hoping that telling me would give him closure and we could stay friends. I clearly explained I wouldn’t leave my boyfriend and he said he understood.

    We’re acting like nothing happened. It’s been a month or two. We still spend a lot of time together just the two of us. But every now and then the topic comes up and it’s weird and I feel awful like I’m leading him on or something as he hasn’t dated anyone seriously since he told me about his feelings. I checked with my boyfriend if I should cut contact with this friend, but surprisingly he was very understanding of the situation and told me things could continue as they was as he liked my friend and thought he was a good person. It would also be very difficult for me to cut contact since we’re in a clique of mutual friends.

    Do you have any advice on what I should do?

    • Hey Emily,

      Let me just say that you didn’t do anything wrong. People sometimes develop feelings when they spend lots of time together, and it’s natural. You’re allowed to have mini-crushes on other guys, and as long as you don’t act on them inappropriately, it’s all good.

      In fact, you were very honest and up front when he told you how he felt, and made it clear that you’re not leaving your boyfriend.

      You did all the right things, which is rare, so well done. Really.

      As for what to do in this situation, well, it’s not your burden to carry. You did the right thing. Your friend expressed himself, so he did the right thing too. Now it’s up to him to move on. You don’t have to do anything, except maybe try to push him to meet other women and hook up with other women.

      No matter what you do, never act jealous around your friend if he meets someone new, and always actively encourage him to date and bang other people.

      That way there’s no confusion. Does this make sense?

  47. This girl and I had this thing going on for 5-6 months. When we first started talking I didn’t know she had a boyfriend until she told me a week or two into us talking. I really liked her though so I continued to speak to her, throwing caution to the wind. The third month in we both fell hard for each other and told each other we love one another. We’ve been having sex on a regular basis, we called each other every day (We talk more than her and her actual boyfriend.), and we go on dates every week or so. Around the 4th month into us talking I broke up with her twice because I wanted her all to myself, but couldn’t go through with it…. I gave her more time to make a decision, but I felt like it wasn’t going anywhere. So last night I told her she either make a decision or tell her boyfriend about the affair, she said she couldn’t so I told her don’t contact me anymore (I was tired of the constant back and forth and the unfulfilled promises.). This morning she told me she couldn’t do either so I ended it, and even though I feel like I made the right decision… I feel really shitty. I really do love this girl, but I don’t want to be a plan B. Any advice?

    • Oh yeah, I forgot to mention her boyfriend cheated on her… Twice.

    • Hey man you did the right thing, you shouldn’t be feeling shitty about it, if she really loved you like she told you she did then she would have broken up with the bf to be with you but she didn’t so that means she wants you as the backup or guy ” on the side”. If I was you I would start talking to other girls that are single and would only want to be with you and no one else.

    • Hey Kirklyn, Pete gave you exactly the right advice.

      Think of it like this:
      – if YOU are dating Jenny and banging Tina on the side,
      – and Tina asks you to break up with Jenny,
      – and you say no.

      Why do you say no? Is it because you really love and want to be with Tina? Obviously not. If you were that into her, you would have ditched Jenny for her.

      That’s the exact situation you put this woman in. But she didn’t leave Boyfriend for Kirklyn, she chose to stay with him. That’s a clear sign that you’re #2 on her list.

      Don’t be #2 man. Go find a girl that wants you as #1.

      You deserve better than this.

      Rami

      P.S. Hi Pete! Nice to see you’re still around. Hope things are working out well with you since you moved on from that girl last year!

    • LMAO thanks bro, yeah everything is better now, thank you for your advice, it really meant a lot to me at that time of confusion. At first it was hard for me cause I had to see her everyday at work and pretend like nothing happened, we would talk as coworkers but that’s pretty much it.
      Fortunately, the girl already moved out of state and is now living with her now called husband. I already moved on from that and started talking to other girls and definitely feel better!

    • I appreciate the advice, I let her know we can never go back to the way we were before. She still texts me everyday, I think she just loves the attention I used to give her (I guess her boyfriend doesn’t give her enough.). I’m slowly distancing myself from her, she’s only going to string me along until I’m left alone and heart broken.

  48. Theres this girl im into who ive known for a while now, who started dating this guy around the same time i met her. We became best friends and II never saw her as anything more than a friend until a few months after i met when i realized i had feelings for her. She would always act like i was her boyfriend and come to me for comfort when her boyfriend mistreated her. I became apparently to me that we no longer acted like best friends and started to act more like boyfriend and girlfriend with how we would both say i love you and all that cutsie bs. Shes also done plenty of cheating with me physically and emotionally and it feels shitty to admit that i let it happen. Shes even admitted to the fact that she does like me but cant dump her boyfriend cause shes afraid of the aftermath and shes too “attached” to him even though hes a pretty consistently bad boyfriend.It sucks cause i really am serious about her and hope that we may become a thing but she keeps leading me on without any sign of a real relationship becoming a thing. Felt like venting for a while, sorry if this is a poorly written read. Thanks for giving all this good advice on this post man and im glad that some people know how it feels to get used in this kind of way.

    • I’m going to give you the same advice that I got. Leave her alone. She just sees you as a plan B. If she really loves you like she says she does, she would break up with her boyfriend for you. So again… Run, run away and keep running till you’re at a safe distance from the whole situation. Then run some more. Just to be safe, you know?

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