About gutsygeek

As you probably know from previous posts I’ve done on the subject, I’m not a fan of long distance relationships. I think they suck.

But many geeks are trying long-distance when they meet people they like that don’t live close by.

For this episode, I recruited my good friend Steve, who after several long distance relationships has become something of an expert.

We talk about:

  •  the three golden rules for dating long distance,
  • the pros and cons,
  • what to say to naysayers,
  • how to have sex when your partner can only be touched through a screen.

Give it a listen!

In this week’s episode, I interview Suzie, the Single Dating Diva, about how she helps clients who have been out of the dating game get back in shape and get in there.

We answer questions like:

  • how do you remain competitive in the dating world?
  • how do you sell yourself to get an edge over the competition?
  • what makes you unique and interesting?

Check it out!

My latest podcast episode is out!

I interview Brad and Mike from Too Old To Date, and we talk up a storm!

We answer questions like:

  • What makes a geek attractive?
  • How do you increase your odds of meeting someone new?
  • What is JSwipe?

And more!

Check it out:

 

In this week’s episode, I go on a solo adventure!

When I grew up in the 90s, I learned to play a bunch of old games that were hard as nails. My NES was filled with challenges that gave me the skills I needed to succeed in the dating world.

If you’re a gamer, you have those skills too!

I talk about:

  • my crazy gaming childhood
  • the skills I learned from those games
  • how I use those same gaming skills to win at the hardest game of them all: THE DATING GAME.
  • how you can do the same

Protip: Battletoads is HARD AS NAILS.

Check it out!

What do you do when your life appears to be coming apart at the seams?

This week I interview my old friend JP Lachapelle, the former lead singer of multiple bands, including Mire and Keychain.

He’s a hugely charismatic individual, and I wanted to get inside his brain to see how he makes magic happen on stage.

We talk about:

  • building confidence, and how to build confidence as a geek.
  • the secrets to creating confidence where it doesn’t exist
  • how to recover confidence when something bad happens in your life… like a breakup or a physical injury.

Check it out!

 

 

Bars. People still meet in them. For real.

How do you approach someone? How do you speak to someone? What if they turn you away? WHAT IF THEY ACTUALLY TALK TO YOU?

In this week’s episode, I talk to my friend Mark, who’s been a bartender for years, about dating patterns he’s noticed that can help you.

Check it out!

 

 

 

My first podcast episode!

I interview my friend Serenity about dating and gaming.

We talk about:

  • The Canadian Dance Dance Revolution scene
  • How having skills is attractive
  • What’s the best way to approach a gamer girl?

Check it out!

24If you really think about it, thanks to our groovy society, there aren’t many differences between dating someone and being friends with them.

Men and women that are friends still have deep conversations, hang out regularly one on one, and can do most things couples do.

Binge watching House of Cards on Netflix? Check! Taco Tuesday? Check!

The main difference, then, lies in the physical relationship: couples have sex, while you go home to your hand.

How can you use that knowledge to your advantage?

One word answer: touch.

In today’s post, I’m going to show you how to touch a woman to be more attractive, and stay out of the friend zone.

The Importance Of Touch

I can’t stress enough how important touch is. Let’s start with the why.

From an evolutionary perspective, humans are conditioned to enjoy being touched. An infamous study conducted in 1944 showed that babies will straight up die if they don’t get enough affection, even if they’re well-fed and safe.

Every touch you have with another human, be it a high-five, handshake, or hug, promotes the release of oxytocin in our brains. Oxytocin is a delicious molecule that creates trust, connection, and liking someone.

Think about how good it feels to be hugged, or hold hands, or skin on skin contact during sex. That’s oxytocin working on you.

So when you touch someone, you help their brain release that happy chemical, and helps them like you. Do I have your attention yet?

Why Touch Is Important To Avoid The Friend Zone

Let’s forget about science for a second.

In my personal experience of meeting thousands of women and figuring out how to flirt and get dates with them, I realized one important thing:

If you’re not touching her, you’re not doing shit.

As I mentioned in last week’s post on avoiding the friend zone, “if you make small talk, you’re nice, and keep the conversation light and fluffy, things will seem like they’re going well.” But if you haven’t touched her yet, then you’re not really building much attraction. You’re letting her know you’re a friendly guy?

You know what friendly leads to? The Friend Zone!

Worse still, if you try to go for a kiss or a touch later on in the interaction, after not touching for the first two hours, it’s WEIRD. 

Dodge Kiss

Instead, you want to touch her immediately after meeting her, and keep touching her as you talk. In doing so, you’re sending her a subliminal message that says “hey, I want to get physical with you”.

Now, keep in mind that you can’t just run up to people and start groping ass. That’s destined to be a major fail. Rather you have to keep it light at first, and increase the touch as you talk, while gauging her reactions.

How To Touch Someone To Build Attraction

When you talk to a woman you’re interested in, always seek physical contact.

Cover Art

Start with a handshake, or high five, or an elbow touch.

This goes really well with my favorite opening line, where I just introduce myself and shake hands.

You follow this up with light touches that are short and in a non-erogenous zone, like the elbow or shoulder.

As the conversation goes on, touch her shoulder, maybe give her a hug when she says something cool or funny, and make the touch last a bit longer. If the venue is loud, and she’s speaking into your ear, put your hand on her lower back for a few seconds, then pull it away when she stops talking.

At this point, it’s crucial that you gauge her reactions to your touch.

You may find out pretty quickly that she’s not into you when she starts pulling away from your hands. If that happens, don’t waste any time, just move on and talk to someone else.

If, however, she begins to touch you back, you’re getting a green light to move forward, so don’t be afraid to become a bit more intimate. The more you touch, the stronger your connection with her becomes.

Another great sign that she’s into you is if she starts to touch you back. Is her hand on your elbow, shoulder, or chest? She’s flirting with you.

The final steps come when you guys are seated. If your hand is on her knee, and she’s not moving away, she’s ready for you to make out with her.

If her hand is on your knee, and you haven’t tried to kiss her yet, do so now.

Simple stuff, right?

The Touch Checklist

There’s this great list of touch zones that you can find pretty much anywhere online these days. Here’s a summary of the zones, in the order in which you progress.

  1. Hand
  2. Elbow
  3. Upper Arm
  4. Shoulder
  5. Upper Back
  6. Lower Back
  7. Knee
  8. Hair
  9. Face
  10. Kiss

There’s one crucial mistake all rookies make, including myself, that a lot of these lists don’t tell you about. Here it is:

DO NOT look at your touch. 

If you put your hands on her shoulder, don’t look at the hand on her shoulder. It’ll draw undue attention there and make things weird. Instead, make eye contact as normal, or look away.

I personally have a specific rhythm I like to follow where I talk, touch while looking away, then release the touch and keep talking.

But I’m Not a Touchy Guy

When I bring up the importance of touch, geeks tell me all the time that “they’re not touchy guys”. But that’s why I’m here, to teach you how to become one, because I’ll be honest with you, I was the worst at this.

I was totally the hover hands guy

I was totally the hover hands guy

For years, I didn’t touch anyone, because I was super awkward. Anytime I put my hands on another human, I felt like I was crossing a personal boundary. It got to the point where I was afraid to touch people, because I was worried I was in their personal space.

This is totally at odds with how humans communicate: most people talk and touch naturally when they’re comfortable.

As a result, I missed out on many opportunities with women. I would talk her ear off, while she desperately hoped for a kiss. Eventually she’d get bored and leave. Wouldn’t you?

Thus I learned through many failures that it’s worth reaching out and touching, and I’m confident you can too.

Also, anytime you worry about touching, think about all those douchebags you see at the clubs that randomly grind up on girls, and end up taking one home. It wasn’t pretty, but they touched.

I’m not saying become Mr Douchebag, because he’s kind of greasy, but he succeeds where we fail, right?

So get out of your head, and into your body instead. A happy middle ground, where you talk and you touch, slowly going through the checklist, is the way to go.

Remember, practice makes perfect.

The Touch Zones

As mentioned in last week’s post, there’s a small window when you first meet someone where you define how your relationship is going to be.

If you come on too strong, or grab her ass off the bat, you’re probably going to come off as horny and desperate. She’ll put you in the CREEPER ZONE.

If you just talk, and don’t get flirty or touchy, you’re going straight to the FRIEND ZONE.

If you wear suits made of Neutron-90, and fight the Black Widows, you’ll end up in the SPIRAL ZONE.

The Spiral Zone. It’s a scary place, but probably better than the friend zone.

If you talk, and you touch right, she may start being into you. Follow this up with more physicality, and a bit of sex talk, and you may just end up in the SEX ZONE.

That last one is my favorite.

Space Invaders

Are you struggling with touching people? Leave a comment and tell me about it.

And if you feel this post helped you in some way, do me a favor and share it with your friends? Just hit one of the buttons below 🙂

4In my early 20’s, I had a lot of female friends. In fact, I’d say nearly every woman I met wanted to be my friend. People around me thought it was awesome that I was so popular with all these women. There was just one problem.


I was in The Friend Zone with every single one of them.

Not one of them wanted to date me. In fact, there was this one girl I was really into. We would go out for Korean food every couple of weeks, and I kept thinking how awesome it would be if we dated. So one day, after 6 months of hanging out, I asked her on a date. You know what she said?

“I don’t see you that way. You’re like a brother to me.”

Ugh. Super Kick In The Balls Friend Zone.

So today’s post is about how to avoid the Friend Zone, and not end up in the same situation as me.

What is the Friend Zone?

the-friend-zone

Let’s get deep for a sec.

According to the Social Exchange Theory, most human relationships can be characterized as exchanges.

In good relationships, the exchange is even, and your expectations are met: the effort you put in is rewarded with something of equal or greater value. For example, you help your friend move, he takes you out for pizza. You give your girlfriend love, she gives you love back.

Everybody invests some energy, everybody gets rewarded, everybody wins.

In bad relationships, the exchange is uneven: the effort you put in is NOT rewarded according to what you expected. For example, you meet a woman’s needs and give her love, but she only gives you back friendship.

Welcome to what is known as the Friend Zone.

The friend zone is a bad relationship. It occurs when two people don’t feel the same way about each other, be it romantically, sexually, or other.

The two most common ones I’ve seen occur when:
– boy wants to date girl, but girl just wants to be friends.
– girl wants to date boy, but boy just wants to be friends-with-benefits.

Awesome Friend Zone art by TheDullohan

Awesome Friend Zone art by TheDullohan

Why am I in the Friend Zone?

Just so we’re clear about it, the Friend Zone suuuuuuuuuuckkssss. But most of the time when it happens to you, it’s your fault.

Chances are you’re in the Friend Zone because you created a relationship in which you fulfill her needs, but she doesn’t fulfill yours.

Do any of these sound like you?

“We hang out all the time.”

“When she gets dumped by assholes, I’m her shoulder to cry on.”

“Anytime she needs anything from me, I’m there.”

Of course you are. You know what that makes you? Her girlfriend.

If you want to be her friend, these things are all ok. Helping her move, watching movies together, helping her pick out clothes, etc. All that platonic stuff is just perfect and peachy and creamy. But be honest with yourself.

If you do the above things, do them because you want to. Do them because, at heart, you want to be a good friend.

In this way, your expectations and rewards are met. You give her friendship, she gives you friendship right back. Everybody wins. It’s a great relationship.

But…

If you do those things with an ulterior motive of eventually getting into her pants, or from a place where you feel she owes you, you’re screwed. If you take her out every week, and offer to buy her dinner and drinks, guess what? She’s going to take them. She’ll be really happy to have such a generous friend. Thinking that she owes you sex because of it? False. The reality is she doesn’t owe you anything.

You chose to give your money away, and didn’t ask for anything in return. You chose to create an unequal relationship, where you met her needs, but didn’t ask her to meet yours.

Do you really think if you had said “I’m going to buy you a drink now, but only if you fuck me later”, she would’ve agreed?

GutsyGeek Avoid The Friend Zone

Hell no.

4 Steps to Avoid the Friend Zone

When you first meet a woman, she is curious about you. She doesn’t know you yet, and if she’s available, she will consider you a future prospect if you’re not physically unappealing (protip: floss, and don’t pick your nose in public).

At this point, through your actions, you move into a specific zone. Here’s how to ensure it’s not the Friend Zone:

1. Flirt and Build Sexual Tension

If you make small talk, you’re nice, and keep the conversation light and fluffy, things will seem like they’re going well. In reality, you’re not doing anything special, and playing it safe. You’re going straight to the dreaded Friend Zone.

You need to try flirting instead. You do this by teasing her playfully, making fun of her in a cute way, and smiling. Sarcasm is your friend here.

You should also build some sexual tension, by making eye contact, and touching her arm, shoulder, and hand. Read my post on touching for more info!

In the meantime, here’s a good example of flirting from one of my favorite movies:

2. When you meet someone new, be brave and ask her out on a date

Once you’ve flirted and touched and shown her you’re interested in her, the right thing to do is ask her out on a date. You want to ask her out very soon after meeting, so she doesn’t accidentally think you’re just being friendly. Also, make sure you use the word “date”, so it’s obvious, and there’s no room for her to think you’re just “hanging out as friends.”

In this way, you’ll guarantee that she sees you as a potential boyfriend from the get-go, and not a generic guy for her to file under “friend”.

3. Show that other women are interested in you

If you’re going to an event where you know you’ll meet women, take a female friend with you. She can boost you up, say nice things about you, and even put her arm around you in a flirty way.

As humans, we all want what other people have, and so you’ll automatically become more attractive in other women’s eyes by having a wingwoman around that appears to like you.

Just make sure she’s a friend and not some random escort you hired.

4. If she rejects you, don’t hang around and hope the friendship becomes something more. 

This is the other big reason situation where you create a Friend Zone. If she says no, leave. Life isn’t some crappy Hollywood movie where if you stick around long enough, she’ll eventually realize you were the one all along and live happily ever after.

In real life, if she’s not interested in you now, she won’t be interested in you later. Stop wasting energy on stalking her like a crazy person. Instead, channel that energy into meeting someone new.

Final Thoughts

I think it’s pretty clear that the best way to avoid the Friend Zone is to never enter it in the first place.

But sometimes, despite your best efforts, she isn’t into you. You’re charming, you flirt, you touch, and yet you’re not getting into her pants or her heart. She could already have a boyfriend, or be interested in someone else, or just not attracted it to you. When this happens, remember to keep it classy.

Accept the rejection, move on with your life, and try to meet someone new.

Often enough, if you’re cool about it, she may just set you up with her friend as a consolation prize.

Whatever you do, don’t lose your mind and call her a bitch, that’s how you end up as an internet meme, reviled for all eternity by anyone with an internet connection.

Like this idiot:
idiot

Space Invaders

Are you struggling with the Friend Zone? Leave a comment and tell me about your experiences.

And if you feel this post helped you in some way, do me a favor and share it with your friends? Just hit one of the buttons below 🙂