If you really think about it, thanks to our groovy society, there aren’t many differences between dating someone and being friends with them.
Men and women that are friends still have deep conversations, hang out regularly one on one, and can do most things couples do.
Binge watching House of Cards on Netflix? Check! Taco Tuesday? Check!
The main difference, then, lies in the physical relationship: couples have sex, while you go home to your hand.
How can you use that knowledge to your advantage?
One word answer: touch.
In today’s post, I’m going to show you how to touch a woman to be more attractive, and stay out of the friend zone.
The Importance Of Touch
I can’t stress enough how important touch is. Let’s start with the why.
From an evolutionary perspective, humans are conditioned to enjoy being touched. An infamous study conducted in 1944 showed that babies will straight up die if they don’t get enough affection, even if they’re well-fed and safe.
Every touch you have with another human, be it a high-five, handshake, or hug, promotes the release of oxytocin in our brains. Oxytocin is a delicious molecule that creates trust, connection, and liking someone.
Think about how good it feels to be hugged, or hold hands, or skin on skin contact during sex. That’s oxytocin working on you.
So when you touch someone, you help their brain release that happy chemical, and helps them like you. Do I have your attention yet?
Why Touch Is Important To Avoid The Friend Zone
Let’s forget about science for a second.
In my personal experience of meeting thousands of women and figuring out how to flirt and get dates with them, I realized one important thing:
If you’re not touching her, you’re not doing shit.
As I mentioned in last week’s post on avoiding the friend zone, “if you make small talk, you’re nice, and keep the conversation light and fluffy, things will seem like they’re going well.” But if you haven’t touched her yet, then you’re not really building much attraction. You’re letting her know you’re a friendly guy?
You know what friendly leads to? The Friend Zone!
Worse still, if you try to go for a kiss or a touch later on in the interaction, after not touching for the first two hours, it’s WEIRD.
Instead, you want to touch her immediately after meeting her, and keep touching her as you talk. In doing so, you’re sending her a subliminal message that says “hey, I want to get physical with you”.
Now, keep in mind that you can’t just run up to people and start groping ass. That’s destined to be a major fail. Rather you have to keep it light at first, and increase the touch as you talk, while gauging her reactions.
How To Touch Someone To Build Attraction
When you talk to a woman you’re interested in, always seek physical contact.
Start with a handshake, or high five, or an elbow touch.
You follow this up with light touches that are short and in a non-erogenous zone, like the elbow or shoulder.
As the conversation goes on, touch her shoulder, maybe give her a hug when she says something cool or funny, and make the touch last a bit longer. If the venue is loud, and she’s speaking into your ear, put your hand on her lower back for a few seconds, then pull it away when she stops talking.
At this point, it’s crucial that you gauge her reactions to your touch.
You may find out pretty quickly that she’s not into you when she starts pulling away from your hands. If that happens, don’t waste any time, just move on and talk to someone else.
If, however, she begins to touch you back, you’re getting a green light to move forward, so don’t be afraid to become a bit more intimate. The more you touch, the stronger your connection with her becomes.
Another great sign that she’s into you is if she starts to touch you back. Is her hand on your elbow, shoulder, or chest? She’s flirting with you.
The final steps come when you guys are seated. If your hand is on her knee, and she’s not moving away, she’s ready for you to make out with her.
If her hand is on your knee, and you haven’t tried to kiss her yet, do so now.
Simple stuff, right?
The Touch Checklist
There’s this great list of touch zones that you can find pretty much anywhere online these days. Here’s a summary of the zones, in the order in which you progress.
There’s one crucial mistake all rookies make, including myself, that a lot of these lists don’t tell you about. Here it is:
DO NOT look at your touch.
If you put your hands on her shoulder, don’t look at the hand on her shoulder. It’ll draw undue attention there and make things weird. Instead, make eye contact as normal, or look away.
I personally have a specific rhythm I like to follow where I talk, touch while looking away, then release the touch and keep talking.
But I’m Not a Touchy Guy
When I bring up the importance of touch, geeks tell me all the time that “they’re not touchy guys”. But that’s why I’m here, to teach you how to become one, because I’ll be honest with you, I was the worst at this.
I was totally the hover hands guy
For years, I didn’t touch anyone, because I was super awkward. Anytime I put my hands on another human, I felt like I was crossing a personal boundary. It got to the point where I was afraid to touch people, because I was worried I was in their personal space.
This is totally at odds with how humans communicate: most people talk and touch naturally when they’re comfortable.
As a result, I missed out on many opportunities with women. I would talk her ear off, while she desperately hoped for a kiss. Eventually she’d get bored and leave. Wouldn’t you?
Thus I learned through many failures that it’s worth reaching out and touching, and I’m confident you can too.
Also, anytime you worry about touching, think about all those douchebags you see at the clubs that randomly grind up on girls, and end up taking one home. It wasn’t pretty, but they touched.
I’m not saying become Mr Douchebag, because he’s kind of greasy, but he succeeds where we fail, right?
So get out of your head, and into your body instead. A happy middle ground, where you talk and you touch, slowly going through the checklist, is the way to go.
In my early 20’s, I had a lot of female friends. In fact, I’d say nearly every woman I met wanted to be my friend. People around me thought it was awesome that I was so popular with all these women. There was just one problem.
I was in The Friend Zone with every single one of them.
Not one of them wanted to date me. In fact, there was this one girl I was really into. We would go out for Korean food every couple of weeks, and I kept thinking how awesome it would be if we dated. So one day, after 6 months of hanging out, I asked her on a date. You know what she said?
“I don’t see you that way. You’re like a brother to me.”
Ugh. Super Kick In The Balls Friend Zone.
So today’s post is about how to avoid the Friend Zone, and not end up in the same situation as me.
In good relationships, the exchange is even, and your expectations are met: the effort you put in is rewarded with something of equal or greater value. For example, you help your friend move, he takes you out for pizza. You give your girlfriend love, she gives you love back.
Everybody invests some energy, everybody gets rewarded, everybody wins.
In bad relationships, the exchange is uneven: the effort you put in is NOT rewarded according to what you expected. For example, you meet a woman’s needs and give her love, but she only gives you back friendship.
Welcome to what is known as the Friend Zone.
The friend zone is a bad relationship. It occurs when two people don’t feel the same way about each other, be it romantically, sexually, or other.
The two most common ones I’ve seen occur when:
– boy wants to date girl, but girl just wants to be friends.
– girl wants to date boy, but boy just wants to be friends-with-benefits.
Awesome Friend Zone art by TheDullohan
Why am I in the Friend Zone?
Just so we’re clear about it, the Friend Zone suuuuuuuuuuckkssss. But most of the time when it happens to you, it’s your fault.
Chances are you’re in the Friend Zone because you created a relationship in which you fulfill her needs, but she doesn’t fulfill yours.
Do any of these sound like you?
“We hang out all the time.”
“When she gets dumped by assholes, I’m her shoulder to cry on.”
“Anytime she needs anything from me, I’m there.”
Of course you are. You know what that makes you? Her girlfriend.
If you want to be her friend, these things are all ok. Helping her move, watching movies together, helping her pick out clothes, etc. All that platonic stuff is just perfect and peachy and creamy. But be honest with yourself.
If you do the above things, do them because you want to. Do them because, at heart, you want to be a good friend.
In this way, your expectations and rewards are met. You give her friendship, she gives you friendship right back. Everybody wins. It’s a great relationship.
If you do those things with an ulterior motive of eventually getting into her pants, or from a place where you feel she owes you, you’re screwed. If you take her out every week, and offer to buy her dinner and drinks, guess what? She’s going to take them. She’ll be really happy to have such a generous friend. Thinking that she owes you sex because of it? False. The reality is she doesn’t owe you anything.
You chose to give your money away, and didn’t ask for anything in return. You chose to create an unequal relationship, where you met her needs, but didn’t ask her to meet yours.
Do you really think if you had said “I’m going to buy you a drink now, but only if you fuck me later”, she would’ve agreed?
4 Steps to Avoid the Friend Zone
When you first meet a woman, she is curious about you. She doesn’t know you yet, and if she’s available, she will consider you a future prospect if you’re not physically unappealing (protip: floss, and don’t pick your nose in public).
At this point, through your actions, you move into a specific zone. Here’s how to ensure it’s not the Friend Zone:
1. Flirt and Build Sexual Tension
If you make small talk, you’re nice, and keep the conversation light and fluffy, things will seem like they’re going well. In reality, you’re not doing anything special, and playing it safe. You’re going straight to the dreaded Friend Zone.
You need to try flirting instead. You do this by teasing her playfully, making fun of her in a cute way, and smiling. Sarcasm is your friend here.
In the meantime, here’s a good example of flirting from one of my favorite movies:
2. When you meet someone new, be brave and ask her out on a date
Once you’ve flirted and touched and shown her you’re interested in her, the right thing to do is ask her out on a date. You want to ask her out very soon after meeting, so she doesn’t accidentally think you’re just being friendly. Also, make sure you use the word “date”, so it’s obvious, and there’s no room for her to think you’re just “hanging out as friends.”
In this way, you’ll guarantee that she sees you as a potential boyfriend from the get-go, and not a generic guy for her to file under “friend”.
3. Show that other women are interested in you
If you’re going to an event where you know you’ll meet women, take a female friend with you. She can boost you up, say nice things about you, and even put her arm around you in a flirty way.
As humans, we all want what other people have, and so you’ll automatically become more attractive in other women’s eyes by having a wingwoman around that appears to like you.
Just make sure she’s a friend and not some random escort you hired.
4. If she rejects you, don’t hang around and hope the friendship becomes something more.
In real life, if she’s not interested in you now, she won’t be interested in you later. Stop wasting energy on stalking her like a crazy person. Instead, channel that energy into meeting someone new.
I think it’s pretty clear that the best way to avoid the Friend Zone is to never enter it in the first place.
But sometimes, despite your best efforts, she isn’t into you. You’re charming, you flirt, you touch, and yet you’re not getting into her pants or her heart. She could already have a boyfriend, or be interested in someone else, or just not attracted it to you. When this happens, remember to keep it classy.
Accept the rejection, move on with your life, and try to meet someone new.
Often enough, if you’re cool about it, she may just set you up with her friend as a consolation prize.
Whatever you do, don’t lose your mind and call her a bitch, that’s how you end up as an internet meme, reviled for all eternity by anyone with an internet connection.
Like this idiot:
Are you struggling with the Friend Zone? Leave a comment and tell me about your experiences.
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There were four of us, asses parked on my couch, playing fighting games. Insults were flying, trash talk was everywhere, buttons were being mashed, and all eyes were fixated on my monitor as we pummelled each other to bits.
This is what happens at my house at least once a week. A few friends come over every Saturday, from noon to 8pm, to play videogames. We spend the afternoon trash talking, farting, eating junk food, and talking about women. It’s Man Time™, and super fun.
But not for my girlfriend. She’s not into videogames at all. In fact, my girlfriend and I have almost no common interests.
And I think that makes her the perfect girl for me.
Different Strokes for Different folks
When my girlfriend and I first met, we quickly realized we didn’t have many common interests. I’m a hardcore geek, into videogames, scifi, fantasy, comic books, graphic novels, Star Wars, kung fu, Magic:TheGathering. I only watch two kinds of movies: action or comedy.
She’s much more artsy. She enjoys hanging out with friends over a bottle of wine, and will spend days choosing the perfect pictures for a photo album. She likes the theater, photography, long-distance running, making collages, scrapbooks, coloring books for adults, and graphic novels.
The more we dated, the more we realized how different our hobbies were. In fact, we only really had three common interests: travel, dogs, and graphic novels.
No Common Interests = A Good Thing™
There are a bunch of obvious benefits of having separate hobbies.
1. Younever have to worry about finding time for your hobbies.
I see this all the time with couples that are joined at the hip, where he’ll stop playing games or she’ll give up yoga because their partner isn’t interested in doing it with them. Fuck that! If your partner wants to go running and you don’t, that’s great: you can park your ass on the couch and read comic books til she gets back.
In fact, there are evenings where my girlfriend and I want to hang out with each other, yet still want to indulge in our pasttimes. These nights are my favorites: she’ll grab the left side of the couch and catch up on her shows, while I sit on the right and play fighting games on my lagless monitor. It’s a marvelous arrangement, and is only possible because of one thing: separate interests.
2. You will broaden your horizons.
As long as you’re mildly curious, you and your partner will constantly be learning new things from each other.
For instance, before our relationship began, I did almost no volunteer work at all. But my girlfriend works at Down Syndrome center, and I now DJ at all their major events thanks to her influence.
Similarly, my girlfriend knew absolutely nothing about superheroes before me. Nearly a year ago, I explained the X-Men to her, then asked her to name the ones in this picture:
Her response? “Angel, Iceman, Cyclops, Phoenix, Upside-down man, and Sick Man.” Pretty funny.
Since then, she’s watched every Marvel movie that’s been released. She can’t wait for Civil War to come out, she bought us The Flash and Wonder Woman couch cushions, and she’s even got a Marvel’s Defenders sweater that she wears around the house.
3. You never run out of things to say.
If you spend all your free time with your partner, what do you talk about? Work? The things you just did together? That must suck.
I find the more time you spend apart, the more things you have to tell each other. Some of the best evenings I’ve spent with my girlfriend were preceded by a few hours where we each did our own thing, then got together for dinner to discuss the events of the day.
4. You will try new things.
As geeks, we often tend to get stuck in our geeky hobbies to the point where we ignore everything else.
How many of us skip work and ignore friends’ phone calls when we get our hands on the latest kickass game *cough* Dark Souls III *cough*?
Having a partner with different interests helps us break out of our geeky comfort zone, and gets us to do things we’d normally never even consider.
For instance, I’m super lazy, and would never rent a bike when I can just take a cab (what am I, some kind of peasant?). But while visiting Chicago, my girlfriend convinced me to rent some bikes and cycle down the boardwalk on our way to the dinosaur museam. The result? I had one of the best bike rides of my life.
In fact, henceforth I’ll gladly rent bikes anytime we’re visiting a new city and the weather’s good.
5. Spending some time apart makes the time together sweeter.
It seems pretty obvious right? When she’s not around, it helps you realize just how groovy things are when you’re together. In fact, there are some weeks where my girlfriend and I barely see each other due to differing work schedules. When that happens, I actually start to miss her, even though I live with her.
On the flipside, it also helps you realize when things aren’t working out: if you’d rather play videogames with your friends every day instead of hang out with your girlfriend, maybe you two shouldn’t be dating.
Shared Interests or Shared Values?
I’ve had a bunch of geeks write me recently about whether or not they should date a woman they don’t share common interests with.
You and your partner don’t need to spend every waking moment together, and don’t need to have common interests, because the shared values are what hold you together. Values like how you treat other people, cats or dogs (or both if you’re FREAKS), monogamy vs polyamory vs any other configuration, what your stance is on having children… these are way more important than common interests.
As long as you and your partner share core values, and simultaneously respect each others’ hobbies and interests, everything will be fine.
If, however, there isn’t that respect, you’re in for a rough time. I once flirted with a girl at a bar, and told her I played fighting games competitively. She gave me a look of disdain and said “aren’t you a bit old to play videogames?”
I knew instantly she and I were not a match. It wasn’t a problem that she wasn’t a fan of videogames: my current girlfriend doesn’t play any either. What turned me off was the complete lack of respect for what I love, mixed in with a huge well of judgment on top of that.
You don’t have to like my hobbies. I don’t have to like yours. But we have to respect them.
The Flip Side
You ever have that friend who you used to play videogames with all the time? Or some other kind of activity with? Maybe not your best friend, but one of the guys. Then one day, that friend met a woman, was convinced she was The One™, and fell off the face of the earth.
You now see him at parties, and occasionally get together for gaming sessions. But he doesn’t stay out late, he has to be home by 10pm or his girlfriend freaks out.
Those friends are often in unhealthy, unhappy relationships. They form symbiotic bonds, and end up sacrificing their happiness for their partners’, and vice versa. Many of them forgo their hobbies to spend every waking moment with The One™.
But what happens if you and The One™ break up? You’re not just left with an Ex One™, you’re also left with No Friends™.
Don’t be that guy. Life is going to pull you away from your hobbies anyway, either when you move, or your job takes more time, or you start a family and need to spend time raising tiny humans (babies before games, duh).
Make sure you don’t lose sight of the hobbies that are important to you because of your relationship.
So what am I saying?
I’m saying date someone with different interests. Learn from her hobbies. Respect her interests, and make sure she respects yours. It’s a pretty sweet way to live.
Have you ever dated someone with different interests than yours?
My girlfriend and I broke up last year, I haven’t hooked up with anyone since. Last week I went on a date with a girl I met online, and we ended up going back to her place. But I couldn’t get it up! I’ve never had this problem before, and I don’t know what’s going on. My ex and I never used condoms, and I think I can’t stay hard with a condom. When I pulled the condom out, I started to get nervous, and lost my hard-on.
What do I do? Timmy”
Wow Timmy, that’s heavy stuff. Thanks for sharing buddy, it’s not easy to talk about erection problems. Let’s deal with the issues one at a time.
“I Hate Condoms”
Personally, I love condoms. They let me have sex with whoever I want whilst protecting me from a bunch of diseases. It’s like having a giant shield for your penis, which still lets you have fun. Pretty strong invention there if you ask me.
But I hear people complain about condoms all the time.
“I can’t feel anything”, or “I lose my erection when I use one”, or “it feels like I’m having sex with a garbage bag.”
The truth is, a condom is never going to feel as good as unprotected sex. That doesn’t mean you should stop using them, of course. You just need to accept that not catching an STD comes with a caveat.
The problem is, as Timmy mentioned above, a lot of guys can’t get it up when the condom comes out. I have a solution, which I’ve used for years, and is so effective it’s even made it into mainstream Hollywood movies.
In case you missed it, here’s the solution:
Masturbate with a condom on.
Seriously. That’s the best way to deal with it.
Most men who have trouble with condoms start to associate the contraceptive itself with a negative experience. You put one on, lose your boner, have a shitty time. Next time around, you remember the previous bad experience, and get nervous because you’re worried you won’t be able to stay hard again. The nervousness increases when she pulls out the condom, and then you’re Mr Droopy instead of Mr Happy all over again.
Pretty soon you’ve got this Pavlovian response where just thinking about a condom makes you softer than Kirby.
To counter this, bring a condom to your favorite past-time: masturbation.
When you’re alone, comfortable, and you know you’re going to have some fun, bust out the condom. Put it on, and do your business. If you do it right, within a few weeks, the condom itself will help trigger an erection, because pulling it out means you’re going to have an orgasm.
You’re welcome Timmy. You’re welcome.
Tricks to Use When You Can’t Get It Up
Here are a couple of other tricks that help, in case the condom isn’t the only reason you’re having trouble.
First off, watch less porn. Seriously, that stuff is eating your brain. Watching lots of porn actually creates changes in your mental chemistry, making you crave an abnormal amount of stimulation. Eventually, you can’t beat off to the same video anymore, and you need a new one.
Guess what? Same applies to whoever you’re hooking up with in real life, except you can’t change the channel to another human being. It’s still the same girl in your bed. So watch less porn, or stop watching it altogether.
Otherwise, you’ll get to the point where nothing gets you off except for tranny midgets fucking each other with dildos shaped like little Irish leprechauns picking their noses.
Second, don’t masturbate on the days leading up to your encounter. When you haven’t gotten any release in a few days, even light physical contact will turn you on. This is especially powerful if you masturbate daily. By denying yourself that urge, your sex drive is going to go nuts.
Third, learn to relax. Easier said than done, I know. There are a couple of methods you can use, like self-hypnosis, or meditation, or yoga. My favorite is deep breathing, which I learned during yoga.
When I start to feel nervous, I take a quick bathroom break, then spend two minutes taking deep breaths. 4 count in, hold for 2, and 4 count out. By the time two minutes are up, I’m relaxed and ready to get back in there.
Fourth, have her help you out. Remember, sex is a co-op game. Direct her towards your penis, and see if she’s got some moves that will wake you up.
Fifth, accept that maybe you’re tired/drunk/nervous, and it’s not going to happen tonight. Maybe you’re tired, or too drunk, or sick, or your head is pounding, or you’re starving and are low on energy, or are under a red sun (hint: only if you’re Kryptonian), or you’re holding in a major #2 and really have to go.
Maybe you’re worried about pleasuring her, and making sure she’s enjoying herself, or you’re worried that your penis isn’t big enough, or that she might not find you attractive without your clothes.
Don’t try to fight it, you’ll only feel worse. Make out with her, maybe go down on her, and tell her you’ll have sex in the morning. Most of us have great morning wood.
It’s a lot of pressure for a mere mortal to handle
We’d like to think that everyone can get it up on command and bone for hours, but they can’t. The only people who can do that are pornstars. Guess what? They do it for a living. Don’t compare yourself to them.
So Timmy, what’s important isn’t being able to get it up or not. It’s how you deal with it when it happens.
You can either let it ruin the experience that you two are sharing, or…
You can relax, let it go, and enjoy the fact that there’s a wonderful woman in your bed who likes you enough to get naked with you. Let your penis take a day off.