Hey Rami,

There’s this girl I like. She’s got a boyfriend and he sucks, and she likes me a lot. But she also thinks I’m a player. Like an idiot, I might have just proved her right, because I got quite drunk at a party we were both at, and hooked up with another girl at that party. She then got mad at me for hooking up with someone else, even though we’re not dating.

I’m a bit confused. What do I do?

Winfred

**

Dude, thank you so much for the question. I turned it into a blog post, because I know a lot of geeks end up in a similar situation. The discussion we have could end up helping many of them out.

She has a boyfriend

Let’s start with the basics: this girl has a boyfriend.

In case you missed it, she’s not dating you: she’s dating someone else.

As a ground rule, if a woman is seeing someone else, you don’t owe her anything. Any judgment she casts on you doesn’t matter, because you’re not her boyfriend.

She doesn’t have the right to stake her claim on you, or prevent you from hooking up with anyone else.

As is, you know what you are to her? Her backup plan.

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Sure, things may not be going well with her boyfriend, but what are you supposed to do? Sit around holding your balls hoping she’ll dump him for you? Please, you’re worth more than that.

I know you’ve been reading my blog for a while. This means you’re interested in self-improvement, which is a big deal in this modern world of watching TV and doing nothing after work. You’re working hard on yourself, and becoming a better man. You’ve got a lot to offer.

Plus you’re a geek, and that makes you rad.

The only thing is, you’re probably falling into the nice guy trap, where you cringe when a woman gives you the stinkeye or says something mean to you, even when she’s wrong.

Who’s the real bad guy?

The problem with this type of girl is that she’s not an overtly bad person. She hasn’t cheated on her boyfriend with Winfred. No secret kisses, or behind the back love affairs going on.

Thus it’s easy to think she’s a good girl in a crappy relationship, and her boyfriend is a bad person. That’s why Winfred said, and I quote, “she’s got a boyfriend and he sucks.”

But you don’t know that for sure, do you? If he sucks so much, why hasn’t she left him yet? Curiouser and curiouser.

It doesn’t matter what she tells Winfred, how much she loves spending time with him, and how great hanging out with him is. These are all merely words.

Her actions reveal the sad truth about her. She wants the affection Winfred is offering, without giving him any commitment. She’s also cheating emotionally on the man she’s dating.

This is a perfect situation of someone trying to have her cake and eat it too. She’s got her boyfriend for sex and dinners and whatever. She’s got Winfred when her boyfriend doesn’t treat her well.

You know what Winfred has?

NOTHING.

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He gets empty promises. He can’t hold her, kiss her, have sex with her, or get emotional support from her.

All he gets from her is the jealous treatment if he goes for another girl. So, in fact, I was wrong. He does have something: a jealous woman who doesn’t want him to hook up with other people, but doesn’t want to commit to him either.

Isn’t that wonderful?

What you need to do

Alright Winfred, back to you my friend. You asked me what you should do, and I will give you an answer.

You need to cut her out of your life, for a few reasons.

First off, if you’re hanging out, and you like her, you’re not going to be meeting anyone else. That’s a problem, because you’ll be pining after someone you can’t have, and might miss out on another wonderful girl that’s into you (and doesn’t have a boyfriend, which immediately makes her better than this one).

Second, if she hasn’t had the balls to leave her man for you yet, it ain’t gonna happen. And if she does, and you end up dating, will you trust her knowing that she left her previous boyfriend for you? Or will you constantly be worried that when things get rocky, she may leave you for the next Mr Nice Guy with a shoulder to cry on?

So, end it.

Look her in the eyes, and say this:

‘I’m not your boyfriend. You already have a boyfriend. I’m not waiting around for you to decide that maybe you’re going to break up with him for me. I’m worth more than that, and I deserve better than to be your backup plan. If you were single, and over him, we would be talking about getting together. But I will not be your “just in case”.’

Then move on with your life. And for the love of baby Mario, stop falling for girls that have boyfriends.

If you want to become more confident with women, and find a lasting relationship, enroll in my Level Up Your Dating course.

318 comments add yours

  1. There’s a girl at my work who I’ve been talking to for a month now everything seemed fine, you know messing with each other flirting and all that. She would visit me at work she bought me a milk shake, I asked her if she had a boyfriend she replied with “what boyfriend?”
    I asked her out to the movies we planned it now all the sudden she talking to someone and their relationship is complicated and she wants to hangout but only as friends? What!?!?! After all that opening up to her she’s gonna tell sorry for misleading you. K I’m fucking done someone please give me a respond I really a damn answer

    • Help please a girl has a boyfriend and Almost half a year I met her. She been giving signs she likes, and small chances to get at her but o refused due to the reason she has a boyfriend. My friends say use her a night stand ?? Don’t know what to do I trying to get a in a relationship with someone else and she get really jelouse to the point she serves me away. Don’t know why she is screatly in love ?

    • Bro I totally get that.
      There was someone for the longest time at my former job that I was crushing on, I found out she had a boyfriend about 3 and a half months into the job. She ended up leaving about a month and a half later and pursued other opportunities. I had asked her if she wanted to do something outside of work but I never got a response from her and she never said anything about it, even though we both knew what was up. Sometimes the one you focus your attention on doesn’t always work out.

    • Move on my friend .. she toyed you big time and lied and her bf probably don’t know. Give her a total silent treatment and back away because you’ll start feeling like shit at work. If she comes pushing you say <> don’t be afraid to lose her or anything.
      Don’t submit to that bullshit, good luck.

  2. Please theres a man i know who says he loves me nd i also like him but i have a boyfriend nd he does nt want me to leave my guy cuz of him, but he want to be a screte lover. Am very confuse what should i do?

    • My experience personally stick with your current bf. If he just wants to be secret lovers hes just there for some *cough* puss. Sorry but from someone who did what he did and regrets it just trying to help.

  3. This is possibly the worst experience any guy can go through. When I was in highschool, I was a rather shy kid. I met this one girl and we immediately became friends. We hung out everyday, we goofed off and got pretty “touchy-touchy.” We planned on going to the movies and she wanted to come over my house. *wink wink* One morning, I believe around 3 am, she sent me a text. “I like you…” I was in shock and I didn’t believe it. At this point I knew her for a year and a half, and I liked her too. We talked about it for a bit, but one part really stuck out. She always complained about her boyfriend; he never let her go places, he yelled at her if she even went to sleep over her FEMALE friends’ houses. But she told me that morning that she literally can’t get out of her relationship, and she didn’t want to move on from but she didn’t know what to do. We tried to forget about the fact that we literally couldn’t do anything for a few days. We goofed off more, she would tickle me and hug me, I’d take her phone and mess with her. She might have kissed me, she asked me to Homecoming. But one night I had to get my feelings out, and I went through such a rollercoaster of emotions. One day I was so happy because she made me feel great, the next I was depressed because I knew it was all for nothing. I cared about her so much, so when she told me she was crying because I said we need to end our friendship, I hated myself. I hated myself for falling in love, I hated myself for breaking her heart, I hated myself for breaking my own heart. She was upset, I was upset. The next morning at school, we kissed. That was our last kiss. That day at school, we hugged. That was our last hug. From that point on, I’ve never been in a relationship. I have this fear of love now, and man I miss that girl. It was like a movie, and then it wasn’t.

    • Sounded like a cry for help man. You got to “man up”, hopefully everything in your life currently is looking brighter for you though!

  4. help me out 2 weeks ago i have had a crush on this girl then i had to confess my love to her and she seemed to have been falling for ….we have had kisses and sex but after few weeks she told me the truth that she already has a boyfriend now she is asking me wether to go on or surrender …what should i do??

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