Hey Rami,

There’s this girl I like. She’s got a boyfriend and he sucks, and she likes me a lot. But she also thinks I’m a player. Like an idiot, I might have just proved her right, because I got quite drunk at a party we were both at, and hooked up with another girl at that party. She then got mad at me for hooking up with someone else, even though we’re not dating.

I’m a bit confused. What do I do?



Dude, thank you so much for the question. I turned it into a blog post, because I know a lot of geeks end up in a similar situation. The discussion we have could end up helping many of them out.

She has a boyfriend

Let’s start with the basics: this girl has a boyfriend.

In case you missed it, she’s not dating you: she’s dating someone else.

As a ground rule, if a woman is seeing someone else, you don’t owe her anything. Any judgment she casts on you doesn’t matter, because you’re not her boyfriend.

She doesn’t have the right to stake her claim on you, or prevent you from hooking up with anyone else.

As is, you know what you are to her? Her backup plan.


Sure, things may not be going well with her boyfriend, but what are you supposed to do? Sit around holding your balls hoping she’ll dump him for you? Please, you’re worth more than that.

I know you’ve been reading my blog for a while. This means you’re interested in self-improvement, which is a big deal in this modern world of watching TV and doing nothing after work. You’re working hard on yourself, and becoming a better man. You’ve got a lot to offer.

Plus you’re a geek, and that makes you rad.

The only thing is, you’re probably falling into the nice guy trap, where you cringe when a woman gives you the stinkeye or says something mean to you, even when she’s wrong.

Who’s the real bad guy?

The problem with this type of girl is that she’s not an overtly bad person. She hasn’t cheated on her boyfriend with Winfred. No secret kisses, or behind the back love affairs going on.

Thus it’s easy to think she’s a good girl in a crappy relationship, and her boyfriend is a bad person. That’s why Winfred said, and I quote, “she’s got a boyfriend and he sucks.”

But you don’t know that for sure, do you? If he sucks so much, why hasn’t she left him yet? Curiouser and curiouser.

It doesn’t matter what she tells Winfred, how much she loves spending time with him, and how great hanging out with him is. These are all merely words.

Her actions reveal the sad truth about her. She wants the affection Winfred is offering, without giving him any commitment. She’s also cheating emotionally on the man she’s dating.

This is a perfect situation of someone trying to have her cake and eat it too. She’s got her boyfriend for sex and dinners and whatever. She’s got Winfred when her boyfriend doesn’t treat her well.

You know what Winfred has?



He gets empty promises. He can’t hold her, kiss her, have sex with her, or get emotional support from her.

All he gets from her is the jealous treatment if he goes for another girl. So, in fact, I was wrong. He does have something: a jealous woman who doesn’t want him to hook up with other people, but doesn’t want to commit to him either.

Isn’t that wonderful?

What you need to do

Alright Winfred, back to you my friend. You asked me what you should do, and I will give you an answer.

You need to cut her out of your life, for a few reasons.

First off, if you’re hanging out, and you like her, you’re not going to be meeting anyone else. That’s a problem, because you’ll be pining after someone you can’t have, and might miss out on another wonderful girl that’s into you (and doesn’t have a boyfriend, which immediately makes her better than this one).

Second, if she hasn’t had the balls to leave her man for you yet, it ain’t gonna happen. And if she does, and you end up dating, will you trust her knowing that she left her previous boyfriend for you? Or will you constantly be worried that when things get rocky, she may leave you for the next Mr Nice Guy with a shoulder to cry on?

So, end it.

Look her in the eyes, and say this:

‘I’m not your boyfriend. You already have a boyfriend. I’m not waiting around for you to decide that maybe you’re going to break up with him for me. I’m worth more than that, and I deserve better than to be your backup plan. If you were single, and over him, we would be talking about getting together. But I will not be your “just in case”.’

Then move on with your life. And for the love of baby Mario, stop falling for girls that have boyfriends.

Ready to Meet and Attract Your Dream Woman?

325 comments add your comment

  1. There’s a girl at my work who I’ve been talking to for a month now everything seemed fine, you know messing with each other flirting and all that. She would visit me at work she bought me a milk shake, I asked her if she had a boyfriend she replied with “what boyfriend?”
    I asked her out to the movies we planned it now all the sudden she talking to someone and their relationship is complicated and she wants to hangout but only as friends? What!?!?! After all that opening up to her she’s gonna tell sorry for misleading you. K I’m fucking done someone please give me a respond I really a damn answer

    • Help please a girl has a boyfriend and Almost half a year I met her. She been giving signs she likes, and small chances to get at her but o refused due to the reason she has a boyfriend. My friends say use her a night stand ?? Don’t know what to do I trying to get a in a relationship with someone else and she get really jelouse to the point she serves me away. Don’t know why she is screatly in love ?

    • Bro I totally get that.
      There was someone for the longest time at my former job that I was crushing on, I found out she had a boyfriend about 3 and a half months into the job. She ended up leaving about a month and a half later and pursued other opportunities. I had asked her if she wanted to do something outside of work but I never got a response from her and she never said anything about it, even though we both knew what was up. Sometimes the one you focus your attention on doesn’t always work out.

    • Move on my friend .. she toyed you big time and lied and her bf probably don’t know. Give her a total silent treatment and back away because you’ll start feeling like shit at work. If she comes pushing you say <> don’t be afraid to lose her or anything.
      Don’t submit to that bullshit, good luck.

    • You never know… If you’ve come too far, and done too much. Never give up, just like when you are making money, exercising, and working out. And if you’ve seen too much of her sweet kindness to others and how loving she is to her family members. 1. Like taking care of her baby nephew 2. Hugging her mom. Sometimes even if she already has a boyfriend. You can still do these things, not to scare her away and seem too clingy and creep her out by coming in too strong: 1. Have people within tour inner circle group be delivery boys and delivery girls. Ask them kindly to give her your gifts, and say that it’s from her secret admirer. 2. By making people in your inner circle group be cupid, you make sure she smiles and doesn’t feel pushed and forced into liking you. I’ve given her a ring, a love note, and a 25$ gift card so far. She and I don’t talk much, because we’re both shy. But we still stare at each other, we literally work across each other. She’s a vendor, I’m an employee. Never give up hope. I know it may seem like a pointless battle to win her heart, but I’ve come too far… I’ve seen how sweet, kind, and loving she is to her family. Something about her… I have fallen in love with her, she’s very pretty. All my coworkers tell me that. I won’t give up, but I won’t scare her either. I feel like I’m Kylo Ren, and she’s Rey. Sometimes… I just wish I could hold her in my arms, and kiss her forehead…

  2. Please theres a man i know who says he loves me nd i also like him but i have a boyfriend nd he does nt want me to leave my guy cuz of him, but he want to be a screte lover. Am very confuse what should i do?

    • My experience personally stick with your current bf. If he just wants to be secret lovers hes just there for some *cough* puss. Sorry but from someone who did what he did and regrets it just trying to help.

  3. This is possibly the worst experience any guy can go through. When I was in highschool, I was a rather shy kid. I met this one girl and we immediately became friends. We hung out everyday, we goofed off and got pretty “touchy-touchy.” We planned on going to the movies and she wanted to come over my house. *wink wink* One morning, I believe around 3 am, she sent me a text. “I like you…” I was in shock and I didn’t believe it. At this point I knew her for a year and a half, and I liked her too. We talked about it for a bit, but one part really stuck out. She always complained about her boyfriend; he never let her go places, he yelled at her if she even went to sleep over her FEMALE friends’ houses. But she told me that morning that she literally can’t get out of her relationship, and she didn’t want to move on from but she didn’t know what to do. We tried to forget about the fact that we literally couldn’t do anything for a few days. We goofed off more, she would tickle me and hug me, I’d take her phone and mess with her. She might have kissed me, she asked me to Homecoming. But one night I had to get my feelings out, and I went through such a rollercoaster of emotions. One day I was so happy because she made me feel great, the next I was depressed because I knew it was all for nothing. I cared about her so much, so when she told me she was crying because I said we need to end our friendship, I hated myself. I hated myself for falling in love, I hated myself for breaking her heart, I hated myself for breaking my own heart. She was upset, I was upset. The next morning at school, we kissed. That was our last kiss. That day at school, we hugged. That was our last hug. From that point on, I’ve never been in a relationship. I have this fear of love now, and man I miss that girl. It was like a movie, and then it wasn’t.

    • Sounded like a cry for help man. You got to “man up”, hopefully everything in your life currently is looking brighter for you though!

  4. help me out 2 weeks ago i have had a crush on this girl then i had to confess my love to her and she seemed to have been falling for ….we have had kisses and sex but after few weeks she told me the truth that she already has a boyfriend now she is asking me wether to go on or surrender …what should i do??

    • Why buy the cow when you can get the milk free? Dude, you’ve basically just described every man’s fantasy; hot kisses, getting laid, no commitment… some guys have all the luck…

  5. Wow ok in life one must take a chance on him to settle……it’s not about having sex….hot kisses that will enable a girl leave her boyfriend and to come to you but sometimes it’s who you are …….therefore brothers lets not settle in relationships on basis of having sex or whatever cause what if a girl really loves sex and the boyfriend is feeling shy to satisfy her but she truly loves you meaning you will be fucking her not because she loves you no but because you are able to do sex with her…….that should not make you lose your way ……should be the beginning of your understanding by differentiating between love love and like…….the game is in coat what do you think the difference is…….if you get the difference….define what is between you and her…….

  6. I got an x that dumped me and started dating another guy, no biggy I do still have feeling for her but nothing enough to let her walk on me. So basically we were hanging out sat she FaceTimed me and I said sure so we end up outside her mommas house after dinner and she askes for a massage, now if you know me you ask me to rub your body with my hand? Oh yeah it’s a rap so we end up fucking in my car and I mean like animals, so she gonna tell me we can’t do this no more we not doing it again. This little freak gonna hit me up the next day to hang out spent the night and said we can do it once a month 😂 ps (I hit again that night) so the dude over here texting her the whole time bout I love you this and that and I feel a tiny bit bad but at the same time it’s surprisingly satisfying idk should I continue to wax dat ass or should I give the homie a fighting chance before I wax dat ass again 🍑

  7. Hi am a girl after reading your the answer for that guy it just made me cry …
    Coz i thought that way too “if someone leaves you for someone else ” it’s hard to trust them anymore .
    So here is mine
    I have a boyfriend i have been with him for 3years dealing, handling whatever comes my way i have been holding on to him all these years for every fight we had i always been one to apologise coz i loved him first at age of 16 …..he is not disrespectful he never talked back when i am angry all he did was walk away then when i apologise then we good after all i protected my relationship …..so as for last year i lost my interest in him…but still good to him then i decided to see his efforts for me so he started trying lot etc..by calling me first, saying he cares
    But seeing all that i still seem like “i don’t like him anymore ” while being that
    I met a guy ….i just like him don’t know why but i like him till i couldn’t control until i told him “i have a boyfriend and i like you
    He seems to like me as well …he started hinting somethings for me he send me this song by summer Walker ” come thru ”
    In song the guy says “u got somebody ”
    And that i should drop my nigga for him

    So i qas depressed by the fact of having a boyfriend of 6 years and falling for a stranger guy ….i thought alot so now i told him facts i really really like him and that am depressed by that fact
    He asked me ” are you having a happy relationship ” if yes keep it up don’t ruin ur relationship for a new guy ….but he is on my brain all the time am almost 20 🤦🏾‍♀️
    So he told me that he can be my friend special friend….i told him hearing his voice…seeing his pic really takes my breath away …then i said i should let him go out of my life 😪😪 then few hours later i said i want be his friend since its better than losing him knowing he’s healthy is enough.
    After that now he acts differently…i have to call him first….texts first or call him first when me doing that all he says is “good” “goodday” GNIGHT ” ok
    Looks like he doesn’t wants to talk to me anymore what should I do….
    And my boyfriend is trying hard to make me like how i was trying to make me feel loved 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

  8. Toxic and one-sided advice. Is it coming from a place of pain? People may be stuck in crappy relationships but not ready to drop everything just yet because, you know, you get obligations and stuff when you’ve been together for a while. And if someone wonderful comes along, you may want to figure it out with them first. Gosh people. Read books, not blogs FFS.

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