She likes me, but she has a boyfriend. What do I do?
Hey Rami,
There’s this girl I like. She’s got a boyfriend and he sucks, and she likes me a lot. But she also thinks I’m a player. Like an idiot, I might have just proved her right, because I got quite drunk at a party we were both at, and hooked up with another girl at that party. She then got mad at me for hooking up with someone else, even though we’re not dating.
I’m a bit confused. What do I do?
Winfred
**
Dude, thank you so much for the question. I turned it into a blog post, because I know a lot of geeks end up in a similar situation. The discussion we have could end up helping many of them out.
She has a boyfriend
Let’s start with the basics: this girl has a boyfriend.
In case you missed it, she’s not dating you: she’s dating someone else.
As a ground rule, if a woman is seeing someone else, you don’t owe her anything. Any judgment she casts on you doesn’t matter, because you’re not her boyfriend.
She doesn’t have the right to stake her claim on you, or prevent you from hooking up with anyone else.
As is, you know what you are to her? Her backup plan.
Sure, things may not be going well with her boyfriend, but what are you supposed to do? Sit around holding your balls hoping she’ll dump him for you? Please, you’re worth more than that.
I know you’ve been reading my blog for a while. This means you’re interested in self-improvement, which is a big deal in this modern world of watching TV and doing nothing after work. You’re working hard on yourself, and becoming a better man. You’ve got a lot to offer.
Plus you’re a geek, and that makes you rad.
The only thing is, you’re probably falling into the nice guy trap, where you cringe when a woman gives you the stinkeye or says something mean to you, even when she’s wrong.
Who’s the real bad guy?
The problem with this type of girl is that she’s not an overtly bad person. She hasn’t cheated on her boyfriend with Winfred. No secret kisses, or behind the back love affairs going on.
Thus it’s easy to think she’s a good girl in a crappy relationship, and her boyfriend is a bad person. That’s why Winfred said, and I quote, “she’s got a boyfriend and he sucks.”
But you don’t know that for sure, do you? If he sucks so much, why hasn’t she left him yet? Curiouser and curiouser.
It doesn’t matter what she tells Winfred, how much she loves spending time with him, and how great hanging out with him is. These are all merely words.
Her actions reveal the sad truth about her. She wants the affection Winfred is offering, without giving him any commitment. She’s also cheating emotionally on the man she’s dating.
This is a perfect situation of someone trying to have her cake and eat it too. She’s got her boyfriend for sex and dinners and whatever. She’s got Winfred when her boyfriend doesn’t treat her well.
You know what Winfred has?
NOTHING.
He gets empty promises. He can’t hold her, kiss her, have sex with her, or get emotional support from her.
All he gets from her is the jealous treatment if he goes for another girl. So, in fact, I was wrong. He does have something: a jealous woman who doesn’t want him to hook up with other people, but doesn’t want to commit to him either.
Isn’t that wonderful?
What you need to do
Alright Winfred, back to you my friend. You asked me what you should do, and I will give you an answer.
You need to cut her out of your life, for a few reasons.
First off, if you’re hanging out, and you like her, you’re not going to be meeting anyone else. That’s a problem, because you’ll be pining after someone you can’t have, and might miss out on another wonderful girl that’s into you (and doesn’t have a boyfriend, which immediately makes her better than this one).
Second, if she hasn’t had the balls to leave her man for you yet, it ain’t gonna happen. And if she does, and you end up dating, will you trust her knowing that she left her previous boyfriend for you? Or will you constantly be worried that when things get rocky, she may leave you for the next Mr Nice Guy with a shoulder to cry on?
So, end it.
Look her in the eyes, and say this:
‘I’m not your boyfriend. You already have a boyfriend. I’m not waiting around for you to decide that maybe you’re going to break up with him for me. I’m worth more than that, and I deserve better than to be your backup plan. If you were single, and over him, we would be talking about getting together. But I will not be your “just in case”.’
Then move on with your life. And for the love of baby Mario, stop falling for girls that have boyfriends.
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Great article! I have been through the exact same thing as Winfred and was waiting hoping for her to leave her boyfriend and had a hard time starting out with other girls. But when things went better between the two of them, I was the one who got sacked instead of the “bad boyfriend”.
The problem is that since we are co-workers it’s very hard to cut her out my life and it still hurts to see her around every day.
Hey MJ, thanks for sharing your experience.
Seeing as you’re coworkers, my suggestion is to keep contact professional, and impersonal. If private life talk comes up, don’t engage.
I also suggest you go out and start meeting other girls ASAP (although I have a feeling you know that already 😉 ), because falling for someone else is the easiest way to get over an old flame.
Thanks for the reply.
I’m indeed always trying to back out when conversations get too personal and we still avoid the topic.
I am seeing someone else for over a year now but my coworker didn’t find out about my new relationship until after six months or so and she said she was happy for me although I could see she was kind of jealous.
Right now, my coworker is pregnant and I wish her all the best but every now and then I consider looking for a different place to work, so I can cut her out of my life entirely.
I wish I had read this post two years ago cause it would’ve been very helpful.
Don’t cut her out . Talk to her ,if she talks to you. Show limits, if she’s starting to get romantic n all .. smile and walk away. 😉
why walk away ?
Yes! More “Ask Gutsy Geek” please. “[W]ritten everything you will ever need to know” my foot. 😉
“‘I’m not your boyfriend. You already have a boyfriend. I’m not waiting around for you to decide that maybe you’re going to break up with him for me. I’m worth more than that, and I deserve better than to be your backup plan. If you were single, and over him, we would be talking about getting together. But I will not be your “just in case”.’”
Wow, love this example speech. It hits all the points dead on. Even if you don’t say it to her, say it to yourself and just stop interacting with her.
Just as mentioned earlier on in the article, you aren’t her boyfriend, you owe her nothing.
True that, I’ve said that to myself in mirror a fews time in a row now! Feeling fantastic!!
Great Article i’m in a similar situation in a way !
Got talking to this girl through a mutual aquaintance on fb we both share the same intrests !
Anyway things have been going well and we are planning on meeting up next month .
i have only been talking to this girl for about 1 1/2 months she has her own business which is going well and is involved in her community .
i would say about two weeks ago she told me she has a partner but she has never made no mention or put any pictures up on fb of this partner now i decided to respond positively to her saying” that her boyfreind is very lucky to have such a lady like you but it does not change how i view you ” but we have been chatting on and off.
Then on monday she sent me a message saying” her partner does not like this at all so i’m going to take a step back for a while” i sent her a message saying how much i value her support and freindship and hope we can find a way forward.
i posted a message on monday after she was in local media and she liked the fb posts ?
What are my next steps ?
I do like her freindship because we have the same intrests !
Hey Jay, you have to decide what you want with her. If you want to be her friend, tell her that you just want to be friends. Then you can hang out and it’s all good.
But if you want to date her, you need to figure out if she’s seriously dating someone else or not. If she is, well, as the post says, you cut her out of your life and move on.
Alright So me and the girl I like have been friends for a few years and she has been my bestfriend and she then started to flier somewhat and then next thing I know she is dating one of her other friends who hates me because they think of me as competition but Yea back to the point she said she like me but that was while she was in this relationship and I went over to her house one day and she starts to cuddle and grabs my hand and stuff but she now won’t answer any of my texts really
Dude, your answer is in this post: stop talking to her, and move on. If she has a boyfriend, she’s not worth the hassle.
I am currently in this situation and it sucks however me and this girl have made out a few times and I was wondering if that changes anything. Her boyfriend is also long distance and lives a few hours away and only sees her every month or so this summer so the two of us have spent a lot of time together and got fairly close. Don’t know if these should change my course of action as far as cutting her out of my life go or if I should still pursue and hope for the best. I really have strong feelings for this girl and that pretty much never happens with me so I’ve been very hung up about what to do.
Hey dude, thanks for sharing your problem. I do appreciate it.
If you made out with her, and she’s still with her boyfriend, even if he’s long distance, it just means she’s cheating on him with you.
I know you have feelings for her, but that doesn’t make it ok if she’s dating someone else.
However, if they’re long distance, it could be that their relationship is slowly fading. So, first things first. You need to tell her how you feel, very explicitly. Then you ask her if she’s willing to leave her boyfriend, to be with you.
If the answer is yes, then you wait for them to break up, and you’re gold.
If the answer is no, you need to cut her out of your life.
Because you deserve better than to be her man on the side. We all do. And like I said in the post, if you’re hung up on her, then you’re not really with her, and you’re ALSO not meeting someone who will care for you in the way you deserve. Go meet someone who will love you, and only you.
thank you
Hi! Not sure if you’re still responding to posts on this thread but I was/am in a very similar situation to MANATEELAKE.
Apologies in advance for the length.
I’ve worked with this girl for over a year and a half, and we actually started our first shift together. I knew right away I was interested in her but found out through early conversation that she had a boyfriend of five years, so I put boundaries on it. Whenever we were scheduled together it was always fun, there was some flirting and we grew to be pretty close friends (she became one of my closest girl friends). She would often ask if I wanted to hang out after work or on the weekends, which I never did because I knew I kinda liked her and didn’t want to interfere with her relationship (I don’t think she knew I liked her). I always suspected that she might be into me but didn’t know for sure and didn’t act on anything since she was taken. Right now I had nothing more than a crush and had casually been with a couple of other girls.
After about a year of working together her boyfriend took a job a few hours away, and she had grown somewhat distant from him and we started talking a lot more and got even closer. A few months after that we went for food and a drink with some co-workers after a meeting. I had taken a phone call from a friend at another place who was going to watch a live gig, and he invited us to come so I said yes. I asked everyone if they wanted to go and she was the only one, so we went. We had driven to her apartment complex and then walked cause she lived close to where we were going and parking downtown is a nightmare. When the night was over and we were going back to her place I foolishly let it slip that I had a crush on her, and she was very surprised by it. She asked if I could come hang out with her in her apartment instead of leaving, but I didn’t think that was a good idea cause I thought I might try to make a move. She agreed this was a bad idea especially with her roommate (who knows her bf) there, so now I knew for sure she was into me cause that clearly meant something would happen. While I was about to leave, she proposed that we hang out in the car “for a little longer and just talk and listen to music.” I, again foolishly, said I’d stay and thought I would have enough self control. We ended up talking for a few hours about anything and everything, including our feelings for each other and ended up kissing before the night ended. From what I know this is the first time she’d ever cheated on him and we felt terrible..
The next day we talked about it and agreed it shouldn’t happen again… But it did. A few weeks after that we had worked a shift together and ended up hanging out after, and she ended up staying the night with me. Things happened and although I didn’t sleep with her, she wanted to since we had already done other things. As weeks went on I had asked her what the situation was, and she said she was conflicted because things with her boyfriend were good but that it felt right when she was with me. She also mentioned that she had been thinking about breaking up with her bf before I told her I was interested in her and even before he had moved away, she just needed to figure out how. Because I care about her I told her, and truly felt, that if things were good maybe she just missed him and needed valuable time with him after he moved, and since they had been together so long that maybe they just needed to spice things up. I was okay with whatever she wanted to do. Even so, she told me that she knew she had strong feelings for me, but that she did need to figure everything out.
I hadn’t yet fallen for her but sometimes when we would work together she would still ask me to hang out after. I would usually reject by saying that she needed to figure things out with her bf before we hang out again, but I gave into a couple of invitations as my feelings for her grew stronger. By now I knew I wanted to be with her and I ended up telling her this straight forward and that she needed to decide if she wants the same, or we need to stop hanging out outside of work. She said I was right and that she needed the push. I could tell she was truly conflicted and felt really bad for putting her in that spot and for ever admitting I had a crush in the first place.
Two weeks went by and she hadn’t made a decision (I told her she could take her time but I wouldn’t wait forever). After these two weeks I ended up telling her that I couldn’t wait any longer and felt that if she wanted to be with me she would have known by now. I broke things off through text (because as you know by now I’ve been a fool) and she said she wanted to talk about everything in person, but I didn’t think that would change anything and she never really hinted at what she actually wanted – it was always “I just don’t know right now.”
So now we have gone our separate ways although we still work at the same place (but luckily don’t get scheduled together anymore after we made some new hires). I’ve been having a tough time letting go and it’s been almost two months. I keep thinking that if I would have honored her desire to talk in person that maybe she was going to tell me she was gonna choose me, but since I broke things off she just let it go and stayed with her bf. She is a truly amazing girl so I am definitely missing not having her in my life, but I know I won’t be able to be friends again because I’ll always want more.
My problem is I’m wondering if I broke things off too soon? Part of me feels like maybe it was taking her so long to decide because of how long they’d been together, and if she were to break up with him it would probably be the hardest thing she’s ever had to do. The flip side is that the night we first kissed to the night I gave her the ultimatum spanned four months, so I really feel strongly that if she truly wanted to be with me it would have already happened. I just don’t think she ever knew how much I wanted to be with her until I told her straight forward, so when it actually became time for her to really consider leaving her boyfriend she froze.
So, I met this girl from an online game called “Tera” and we got to know each other pretty well fast. Got her facebook and Line chat and found out she was really cute. I also found that she lived in the same city as me before and went to the same highschool as me before but then she moved to Taiwan a year ago. We would skype for like 12 hours a day but then she told me she has a BF. We have a lot in common. She got to know more of me really fast and also she told me she finds me really attractive and that she likes me. The problem is that she would bring up her BF again and even though she would talk to me first before him she still thinks he’s important to her. She said its her “Sort of” boyfriend and that she doesn’t put a lot of hope into their relationship because she thinks they would never meet up but I have a really high chance since she lived in the same city as me before. I just don’t know what to do cause now that we have a spark.. I started liking her and she did to me too. I asked her if she was really happy with her BF and she said yeah.. but I can tell she was lying.. Please help me if I should not give up and wait for her or cut her from my life.
It’s simple. Do you really think she’s going to break up with him to be with you? If so, why hasn’t she done it yet?
And what are you getting out of this right now? There’s no sex, no commitment, nothing besides friendship.
I’m living this situation right now.
This lady started at my work a few months ago…I started talking with her as I do all sorts of women. You never know so you put yourself out there. She was very open and emotionally receptive. Later on she reveals she has a boyfriend. My dad always told me don’t let that stop you where you stop talking to her. I never overstepped boundaries
like asking her out while she was attached. One day she says “Hey we should do something. What days do you have off?” I took this as that she and her bf are no longer together. So we went on a date. It was glorious…we interacted like a real couple. Come to find out that her “family” that she lives with is her boyfriend’s family and the guy I had seen her talking to was not a cousin or anything(I never asked) it was him. He knew where she was but didn’t seem to have a problem with it. But she has expressed concern that he “may get the wrong idea.” Well he would think the correct idea. She even planned for us to do something else but thought he should tag along “till he got used to me.” This is very bizarre to me. The guy’s Facebook page said in A Relationship ” it’s complicated”. I knew this is probably all bad before I read this blog. But I’m having a difficult time letting go or worried if I should.
This seems odd.
I recommend you ask her straight up if she and her boyfriend are in an open relationship. If so, you have a green light.
If not, then she’s planning on cheating on him with you, and I don’t recommend that under any circumstances.
Yea, she told me even that he was glad that she got out of the house and did something.
I hope she didn’t lie to him that I’m gay or something. But when she asked about him tagging along I expressed that that wouldn’t be good….that we might be staring each other down the whole time. She said..” oh yea, I forgot you men also can have drama.” If I was him…I would want her out of my house.
Like I said, did you get a clear answer of the status of their relationship?
If they’re open, then you and she can do whatever and it’s all good. But you should also be respectful, because if you want to get involved with someone in an open relationship, it helps if you’re friends with their partner too.
If she is cheating though, you need to put a stop to this right now.
So, ask her, straight up: “are you guys monogamous, in an open relationship, or what?”
I’m going to tell her that we can remain friends but if we are going to date she needs to be completely available. I don’t want to be with someone who is attached in any way.
I finally did it. She came up to me and asked “when are we going to hang out again? Or do you even want to. I’m not trying to get in your pants unless you want me to.” When she said that…I had to tell her. I said, “I really do…but not as long as you’re attached to him. I don’t want to do that to him. I don’t want to be that guy.” In a slightly miffed and disappointed tone she said, “Fiiine” I replied, “But I’m still here.” Indicating I’m still open to being with her.
Congratulations man!
Met this girl in the res I lived in, we hit it off really well, made out a couple nights and have always flirted. She went back home over the summer and got back with her ex. They are currently going through a long distance relationship and she is saying it is not going to we’ll. I myself am not in the same town as her at the moment but we text nearly every hour of the day (90% flirting) usually about how I should come visit so we can hangout and shit. I really like hanging out with this girl but do not want to interfere with her current relationship nor do I want to come off as pathetic and seem like I’m waiting for them to breakup. I’m so confused 😟
Hmm, that’s a tricky one.
See, normally if you’re there and her boyfriend lives far away, it makes sense. But you both live far away, so the chances of her leaving one long distance relationship for another are pretty slim.
My advice? Enjoy what you have, but don’t get your hopes up.
I would straight up tell her I want to be with her, and if that doesn’t work out I’d leave, but that’s just me.
(i’m so sorry a couple of grammar mistakes here and there so down below is the repost)
hey there,
i hope you’ll reply because i feel like it is a major concern for me.
So i’ve been talking to this girl for a couple of weeks now and she has a boyfriend, but for some reason she doesn’t talk to her boyfriend that much and talks to me all the night! every day every week… but yesterday apparently she decided not to talk to me because she had a “bad mood” and that she was “confused and angry at the same time” what should i imply of this? is it something i should be taking seriously? please help me out on this one, i don’t want to be the “Just in case” guy as you describe it! i am starting to fall for her but i’m just too confused and i honestly don’t want my feeling in a dangle!
thank you, btw your post is very good and enlists most of the things that i can totally relate to!
Hi Jonathan,
There are a couple of issues here.
First, she has a boyfriend. That’s pretty simple. She needs to be single for you to have something meaningful with her.
Second, you appear to be spending time together, and enjoying each other, but you’re not dating. So you need to be honest with her, and tell her you want to date (if that’s your intention).
Finally, if she tells you she’s not going to leave her boyfriend to be with you, you have to stop hanging out with her. It’s not healthy to be the “just in case” guy, as you put it.
Hope this helps!
Thank you very much for replying!
so yesterday she finally sorted out the issue and it appeared that her boyfriend was being emotionally abusive to her and this is where things get interesting, she left her boyfriend for me! i mean can you believe it, but i’m still skeptical as to whether she would do the same to me as well, what if someday some Mr. Nice guy decides to get in a relationship with her? do you think she would do me the same, i’ve halted my decision of dating her for this particular reason and i desperately want your suggestion!
So what did you end up doing? Are you dating her? Are things going well? 😀
I been talking to this girl since the beginning of summer but known her for over a year. Me and her are like peanut butter and jelly. Great adventures hanging out and everything is dandy, however I like her and told her that. At first she said she does not but now there are endless hints she is giving but she has had a guy chase for over a year to be with her and she had recently broke up with her previous boyfriend and started dating this guy. She still give me hints and I want to ask if she likes me, however, question is would you still recommend I cut her out and not just wait around and see other girls while she is taken?
Peanut butter and jelly! That’s a great way to put it. But does that make her other guy the bread?
I recommend you tell her that you’re interested in her, but you’re not into playing games. If she doesn’t feel the same way, you move on and find other girls.
Waiting around is never a good idea. I once saw a guy wait for a girl, because she was “dating someone new on the rebound.” Two years later, she and rebound guy got married. He waited for nothing.
Don’t be that person. See other girls, it’s healthier.
Thanks for the quick reply. She keeps changing her mind about the guy, sometimes good and sometimes bad. Seems like she is settling and I am just her emotional buddy like you mentioned. She told me countless times that I know her so well. Few weeks ago she told me I understand her better than her boyfriend. But she also does not one leave him because this a guy she liked for a while. I was going to ask her last night to tell me if she is or if she is not interested but her brother was around and I could not. I am going to ask her in class on Tuesday. This is the quietest girl you will ever meet but when she is around me she becomes social and happy and I am 1 of her very few friends (out of 4) friends at this university.
Anyways this is what my plan was:
Ask if she likes me follow by would she date me if she was single. No maybes, or denials, otherwise I cannot be just friends with her because its too degrading and humiliating to never be considered. What do you think?
Thanks for the advice and time!
So what happened?
Hey, so I’m in high school, and there’s this girl I know, who has a boyfriend and we talk alot, and are much closer than he is with her, she hasn’t hung out with him in over a month due to the amount of school work that she has, and we both are in band (geek alert) and play the same instrument, so we see each other on a daily basis, she is flirty with me all the time, holds my hand, offered me to touch her butt/chest and she told me she likes me. This guy is her first bf and his first gf, they’ve never kissed (weirdly) and never even gone on a date (weirder) and they are coming up on their one year anniversary, I like her and she likes me but wants to loyal to someone who she hardly ever talks to anymore and they hardly have a bond anymore. I can’t cut her out of my life because we are both in band and I’ll have to see her for the next few years. What do I do?
If she’s coming on to you so obviously, she’s probably into you. I suggest you have a long think about what you want with her: if you’re interested in dating, you need to make it clear that she has to leave her boyfriend first. Otherwise, the three of you might end up in an awkward soap opera style love triangle.
If you don’t want to mess the band dynamic, then you might have to suck it up, be cool, and look at other girls. Not easy. Good luck man, let me know how it works out!
P.S. Geek alert for being in a band? You’ve come to the right place, we’re all geeks here!
Thank you so much for this blog post, i know what to do now, i am in the same situation.
That encouragiment is not enough for me
Hey guys I need some advice. So I’ve been talking to this girl lately and we’ve gone out about 3 times. After each date we felt more and more connected remembering our times in high school etc. However, I’m moving to another city to go to school and she knows. Our last date I picked her up and on the way there she mentioned she was getting closer to another guy who lives far away as well. What’s up with that?! She also asks a lot of questions like ” How long are you going to stay up there” “how long is your degree going to take”. Its very confusing and she wants to continue hanging out.
Hey GutsyGeek, so there’s a girl that I liked a lot we both know she has a boy friend but we still hanged out together (just two of us) we holder hands for a while and I kinda hugged her. I guess she likes me so I said to her that I like her a lot and thing gets awkward. So she tried to avoid eye contact and said that I am a nice guy, a really nice guy. 🙁 But i didnt give up so i replied with “do you think I still have chances?” she said “yeah maybe, but if I am going to break up with my boyfriend I won’t be dating again for a while.” WHAT SHOULD I DO :((
She letted me to hold her hand and we are really close. This thing is confusing me. I need directions and advices.
Just fyi her boyfriend lives kinda far away from her and they haven’t met with each other. (They have been dating for two months)
Dude, if she said she needs a while after breaking up with her boyfriend, then you should believe her. Go and meet another girl, this one is being honest with you and telling you not to waste your time.
There’s this girl in my department, same level. We’re very good friends who flirt a lot and equally share the same dreams. in fact, most of the activities we’ve carried out in school were all her ideas. She’s just all over me and attached herself so much in my future. She sometimes jokingly says she wants to marry me. People recommended that we’ll going to make a good couple. So, I then thought of all of these and how compactable we are, I then took the bold step to ask her out. She only responded that she has a boyfriend and we should drop the dating discussion for now since we’re still best of friends and we have enough time to talk about it. I dropped it. After sometimes, she started complaining that she doesn’t like my being strange. I told her I loved her so much, she replied via chat “I understand but I love my boyfriend, he’s the best part of me”. Please help me with what to do. I love her and I want to marry her. She knows but the only challenge now is her boyfriend. What should I do?
Man, if she has a boyfriend, and she told you you she loves him, then that’s that. There are so many women out there who are available, why are you going for one that’s in a good relationship?
Stay friends if you want, but I recommend you spend time looking for other girls. In fact, you can even ask her to help you meet other women.
I am on a similar situation. I met this girl at school, we are partners for a dance we are presenting for the Hispanic Club. The thing is that from the first practice there was a spark between us; an exchange of smiles that was passionate yet shy at the same time. Not only I noticed it, but my friends and other dance couples pointed it out. She quickly asked for my snapchat, and my number and we started texting. We stay until really late almost every night texting each other. At school we meet some lunches, sometimes we talk, sometimes i help her when she has trouble in some class. Every time we have dance practice, the chemistry between us increases, the exchange has become less shy and more passionately. She also began to send me not naughty, but really erotic pictures.
The other day she texted me, and I noticed something wrong. She was worried because she got in trouble with her friends. She told me: “my stupid ‘boyfriend’ and his friends got in trouble with the security at the mall, they confiscate his phone and are waiting for him to come back for it so that they can take him.” (This is a translation from Spanish) I was really chocked when she mentioned that she has a boyfriend. At that moment, knowing that she was really worried at the time, I did not say anything about it. I just told her to not get involved so that she does not get in trouble and wished her the best luck. After everything was solved she texted me that everything was fine and thanked me for supporting her. I did not text her back for the rest of the night, just to tell her goodnight like i usually do. I could not go to sleep, there was too much stuff going on in my head and i had to do something important early the next day.
I suddenly receive a message from her saying: “I hope you haven’t gone to sleep, I know that you need to get up early tomorrow but i really want to talk with you.” I replied because I was still awake: ” No problem, I haven’t been able to sleep.” She asked why, and i told her that i had a lot of “huevadas” (spanish word for rubbish) going on in my head. She asked what kind, and i replied huevadas in general. She asked me is everything ok? And i was like YOLO, and asked her “What did you mean when you said ‘boyfriend’ in quotations.” She told me about how she broked up with this guy like a month ago, because he had treated her really bad and every time they met there was tears and everything. Yet they share the same friend group so she has to see him often, also she pointed out how used she is being at his side and that the guy is not letting her go. She also said, “But being honest with you, I like you, which makes me more confused about everything. I am sorry if i said more than i was suppose to.” I replied: “I am sorry that things are complicated, being honest with you i also feel sort of a chemistry between us. I was really disappointed when you said earlier that you had a boyfriend , but now i am calm. Then she said “and honestly I like you a lot, you are a really good guy, smart, funny, and cute like no one i have ever met, yet the situation is kinda difficult right now, I am having a hard time trying to find how to end the relationship.” I replied: “I feel the same about you, and i understand. i also broke up with my ex like a moth ago, there is no need to rush.” To what she replied: “Thanks for understanding I am so lucky for finding you.”
I really like this girl, yet it is obvious she hasn’t been able to cut the ties, with her ex. Should I take my distance until she figures out what to do? Or should continue things the way they have been going? At the end it is not her official boyfriend anymore, yet my only problem with it is that I don’t want to be her second option. Yet I also don’t want to distance myself from her.
Ah, this is a tricky one, because she actually told you she likes you. But she’s still with her boyfriend, isn’t she? I wouldn’t wait around, because you never know when she’s going to leave him, or if she even has the guts to do it.
What if you stay in this situation for another 6 months? Another year? Won’t you get fed up and upset?
I recommend you tell her that you can’t do the half-in, half-out relationship. Either you’re friends, and that’s that, and you start looking for other women… or she breaks up with her boyfriend, the two of you start dating, and it’s all good.
There is a new girl at school and I was getting to know her. A guy asked her out. Her friend told me to wait? I don’t know what to do.
I really like her and am hoping she is free again.
I told her a lot
And then was told this
Her friend watched the life drain from my eyes when she told me.
Hey Ethan, does she have a boyfriend? If she does, move on. But if she doesn’t have a boyfriend, and she’s still single, ask her out and see what happens.
Ok now ive read your article and I feel it makes alot of sence it may help out alot but… ive known this girl for 2 and a half years now. We where the best of friends and told eachother everything. Then suddenly nothing. So I gave up I was done my feeling for disappeared. After about half of year of silence she text me saying can we hang out I really really miss you and need to talk to you about something. So I did and she was telling me about her *bad boyfriend* who cheats on her and makes her feel worthless. I comforted her and she kissed me!? After a week she calls me and wants to hangout again and so I did we sat in the bush talking away I went to grab a cigarette and she asked if I needed a light I said yea and as I lent in to light my smoke she pulled it out and started making out with me and grabbing my D*ck. All my feeling came back even before she grabbed my junk and I dont know what to do. She told me she loves me and I love her to ( I never said it back) im lost and confused and cant cut her off easily because I go to school with her and we sit beside each other (assigned seats) please help asap.
Jeff, ask her if she’s still dating her “bad boyfriend”. If so, then you need to ask yourself if you’re ok with her dating someone else while dating you. If she really loves you as she claims, she’ll break up with him to be with you properly.
Otherwise they’re just words, and words without action are empty and meaningless.
Oh my god man thank you so mutch for the advice. Sorry I haven’t had the chance to write sooner I just wanted to see if this would go any farther but I did exactly what u wrote me and it worked lol I actually got the girl of my dreams and im taking her out for dinner on Friday. I just wanted to say thanks for the advice
My pleasure dude! And congrats!
I’m going through something very similar, there’s this girl that I met at work like 3 months ago, she’s engaged to this guy who’s in the Air Force, they’ve been together for 4 years now but he proposed to her almost a year ago before leaving for basic training, so pretty much they’re now in a long distance relationship they only see each other every 3-4 months when she goes to visit him….they’re planning on getting married next year when she moves definitely to live with him…now here’s what happened, she and I became very good friends, like she would be very friendly to me, she would call/text me almost everyday(more than what she calls/texts her fiancé) we hang out, went to the beach, etc. Then there was this party/ghetty at her house, we both got pretty drunk and she kissed me, after that we started seeing each other more often and we even had sex…but then one day she started crying and confessed to me that she didn’t know if she could keep up with that long distance relationship and that she was feeling so bad for what happened(so did I) so we came to the agreement of not kissing or having physical contact anymore because she doesnt want to cheat on him….it looks like she still loves him, she posts a lot of stuff about him on social media and she’s always talking about him so it doesn’t look like she’s going to leave him any time soon….the problem now is that she still tries to call me and text me everyday and asking me to hangout but just as friends and for me that’s being a tough thing to do since I already started to have feelings for her, I’ve been trying to ignore and avoid her as much as I can but we since we’re coworkers we see each other at work every week so it’s hard for me, please advise me, what should I do? I really like this girl and I know she likes me too but she’s already engaged to that guy and right now I’m looking like that “second option” guy just in case the long distance thing doesnt work out, please help me.
I forgot to add that after we agreed on not making out anymore it happened again that we were together and she got drunk again and tried to kiss me then she told me she wanted to have sex with me but I rejected her and left….so its like every time that she’s drunk that she wants to go have sex with me…what could this mean? Is the long distance relationship really fading away and she’s trying to play it like its not??? Oh and I also been trying to talk to other girls but she keeps calling me and I really don’t want to come up like an asshole to her.
Hey Pete, this sounds very much like you’re the “man on the side”.
She’s still engaged, and cheating on her fiancé with you. That’s BAD NEWS, and is not going to end well for anyone.
I recommend you ask yourself what you really want from her.
If you want to be fuckbuddies, fine. But know that at some point, shit may hit the fan, and you’re helping someone cheat on a man she may end up marrying.
If you want a relationship, I wouldn’t bother. Someone who cheats once can be forgiven, as a temporary lapse in judgment. But someone who cheats, then repents, then gets drunk and attempts to instigate some more cheating… I wouldn’t be interested in that kind of behavior for my girlfriend. Would you?
Hi, thanks for replying. I know that this is not going to end up well for anyone involved that’s why I’ve been trying to get her out of my life completely and move on but it’s been really hard for me since we’re coworkers and we’re always seeing each other….she called me crying over the phone and told me she didn’t want to lose my friendship(that happened after a week of me ignoring her calls and texts) and recently she’s been trying to hook me up with one of her friends(idk what this could mean)…and like I said..I can’t just get used to be friends with her since this is a girl that I still have feelings for….do you think I should be straight honest with her and tell her that I don’t see her as just a friend??? Or would that be even worst? Ugh I wish I could just remove her from mind and life but it looks like it’s impossible.
Pete, if you want to be friends, you need to be sincere and actually be friends with her.
I hate to say it, but I don’t think a relationship is going to happen with this woman. If you you need to be honest with her, you can tell her you have feelings for her, and these feelings are preventing you from being friends. That will give you the excuse for distancing yourself from her, in order to get over her.
Be warned, she probably will give you that space, so you’ll have to deal with not having her in your life anymore. In the long run, it’s much healthier for you, and will allow you to meet other women who aren’t engaged, and you who will want to be with you 100%.
Thanks for the advise!
Hi I need help I’m crazy about this girl and a few months ago I met her at this party. I hadn’t seen her in a while so I was thrilled to see her but she couldn’t speak to me for very long because she was sorting stuff out with her current boyfriend and I was quite upset about this. Later I messaged her on instagram and she told me that she broke up with him and we started chatting for a while. Everytime I asked to meet cause we were good friends before she moved towns and then later I moved to a city close to hers she would make excuses as to why she wouldn’t see me and i started to believe her and a few months passed and we started chatting less and less but then I went to play cricket and she was also there watching one of her friends play. It was nice seeing her again but also awkward at the same time and later that night she told me that she glad to see me and then later confessed to saying that she’d liked me since grade 7 and I’m in grade 10 now. I felt like she wasn’t for real so I said that we should stay friends and she agreed but wasn’t impressed and now fell like that was one of my worst mistakes. Two weeks later she got a new boyfriend and we haven’t spoken since but she sometimes sends me a message. Should i wait for her to break up with her boyfriend or should I tell her now how i feel about her?
Dude, you’re telling me she confessed to you about how much she liked you, and you rejected her? You say you’re crazy about her, but at the same time you told her you should stay friends.
Honestly, this is going to sound harsh, but from what you’ve said, the only reason you want her is because you can’t have her.
I suggest you leave it be, move on with your life, and meet another woman. And next time someone you like tells you she likes you back, you say “let’s go on a date”, not “let’s be friends.”
Same situation as Alfred a couple of weeks ago. I lost my head for her in one week. Was always so close to kissing her but no luck. She decided we could not see each other no more and after a week I started chatting up her friend who helped both of us see each other. What should I do? The girl has texted me out of nowhere all pissed off because everything I told her to leave her boyfriend was small talk.
Your article was perfectly clear. Cheers man!
I’m a bit unclear as to what you’re saying to be honest. She said she didn’t want to be with you, then got upset at you when you hit it off with her friend? She has no right to do that. From what I understand, you’re trying to move on and see someone else. Why is she trying to stop you from being happy if she doesn’t want to be with you?
No clue man! I know and am sorry that I did not express my situation clearly. My English is not great. I don’t know why she is trying to stop me from being happy with her friend. We met for coffee and had a talk. It is all good now, don’t care about what she thinks. She owes me nothing and so I own her nothing too.
Thanks for taking time to answer man.
Same situation as Winfred a couple of weeks ago. I lost my head for her in one week. Was always so close to kissing her but no luck. She decided we could not see each other no more and after a week I started chatting up her friend who helped both of us see each other. What should I do? The girl has texted me out of nowhere all pissed off because everything I told her to leave her boyfriend was small talk.
Your article was perfectly clear. Cheers man!
Oh, I clearly still have feelings for her
I like my co-worker. We have been working together since two months and she’s a new recruit. It is not my career job and when I realized I like her enough to date her, I asked her out. She said yes and even smiled while being all shy about it. We were trying to schedule our first date and during this time I doubted she might be just going out because I did her a favour the same day I asked her out but she denied that and laughingly said she genuinely wants to hang out with me. So I thought well she really wants to go out with me given she didn’t took a way out. So our day was decided and I was suppose to meet her for lunch. I sent a text to her a night before to confirm the time and she responded after 2 hours saying she got a doctor’s appointment and has flu. I trusted her that moment but it clicked me that she flaked as she had a whole day and she could have called or text herself in order to reschedule but she didn’t. The problem starts here that I haven’t searched for her at social media till now and last night I found out that she has a boyfriend. It was a knife right through heart. She never mentioned him. It would have saved me pain and effort if she would have came honest about it and didn’t lead me on. I will see her at work and I won’t bring the topic but it just hurts that I never did any wrong to her or any girl. In fact I am 21 and this was about to me by first date. What should I do to get over her and avoid her at the same time without confronting?
Did you explicitly say it was a date? Or did you just say something like “let’s go for a drink?”
If she’s your co-worker, it’ll make it difficult to say no, especially if it’s someone with more seniority just asking her to hang out in a friendly way. My guess is she thought you were going to hang as friends.
What’s to get over? You didn’t go on a date. You just work together. You’re creating all these fantasies in your heart about how things are, when the reality is, she doesn’t owe you anything.
Move on. Don’t mention it. Treat her like a co-worker. Questions?
I once had a similar situation, but as I would imagine you would suggest, and according to the set-ups I saw you use before… I cut her out of my life with a Yoshimitsu tech trap.
=P
Bahahah nice one man! Sword swipe to the rescue!
Still kinda need help, I got a my first girlfriend a month ago, she hated her old boyfriend. So we got together and it was nice but then out of the blue she had another boyfriend, then finds out that her friends lied to her about me she says she wants to be with me but she is committed to her new boyfriend, not to mench on I like her too still. It’s been cat and mouse for the last week and I’m loosing it, what should I do
Moe, you need to stop wasting your time with a girl who’s half-in, half-out, and find someone who wants to be with you 100%. This cat and mouse game you’re talking about is a waste of energy. If she wanted to be your girlfriend, she would be. Break up with her and move on.
I found out yesterday that she was Cheating on me with her “new boyfriend” when we were together, I deleted her number and I don’t talk to her
Hi there gutsygeek, I really like your article because it tells no bs and is straight to the point although moving on from this situation is very hard to do. I would just like to share my story so that in a way I could vent out the feelings that i have right now.
I met this girl about a month ago and I instantly got attracted to her. She’s 21 while I’m 27. after talking to her a bit that day I immediately added her on facebook and later that night we started to chat & flirt nonstop, this continued for a few days until she later revealed that she is currently in a long distance relationship. Despite knowing this I still told her in a playful way that it doesn’t matter because he may be your present but I will be your future anyways.hahaha… I think she felt amused at what I said and she told me she is impressed at the confidence that I have. So we continued on texting/chatting for weeks until the conversations that we had was like we were a real couple,things like travelling together, plans for the future etc.
By this time we still never really had the time to go on a date yet because of our busy schedules. When we first finally had the chance to go out, at the last hour she cancelled it saying she had an emergency errand to do. then the 2nd time around that we agreed to meet up she again cancelled it saying she had an unexpected meeting for work. When I had the chance to ask her clearly about her current status and about us she said that in a scale of 1-10 they are at 4 right now with her bf and that things are complicated between them and when maybe the time comes that they break up she said that she will have to rest her heart and stay single for a while. I admit that I have already fallen for this girl by this time and so I told her that I will wait for her when the time comes that she becomes single again and has fully healed. She said thank you and we will see what the future brings.
But lately this last 2 weeks she has gone cold on me, never or makes late replies to my text & chat messages and feels generally uninterested in making conversations with me like we used to. Ouch!
And upon stalking on her account I found out that things got better again with her boyfriend because of their sweet exchanges of msgs on social media. It hurts so damn much. Its been 3 days now since I last had contacted her, controlling myself from initiating any further interactions with her but I still continue to stalk her on social media, I just cant help myself to know what she has been up to lately. You know what gutsygeek every night this pain in my heart is unbearable, it hurts… she gave me hope that maybe there’s a possibility that we could be together but in end this is what happens.
Can you please give me advice on this. I will greatly appreciate your reply. tnx much.
Alright Spark, you want the no BS approach, I’ll give it to you: delete her and never talk to her again.
You’ve fallen for a woman you’ve never met who has a boyfriend. You haven’t even had a date with her. You don’t know what she’s really like. What if in person she looks different? Or she smells weird? Or she’s really boring? You don’t know any of these things.
On top of that, she doesn’t give a shit about you. If she did, she would’ve shown up to at least one date.
It sucks man. It hurts, and it sucks. But you need to move on, because being hung up on this girl is keeping you from meeting someone new.
Thanks man, I have already seen and talked to her the first time we met before i started chatting & txting her, but overall we’ve seen each other for a total of 3-4 times only and it is mostly work related and we dont have much time to interact with. I definitely agree with you man, trying to survive and counting the days of not contacting her anymore…. Its been 5 days now. Hard coz i know every night she is online. Trying my best. Will definitely meet more women soon.
Good for you bro! Try Tinder, you can use it from your house, it’ll take your mind off knowing she’s online every night.
I’m going through something similar to this right now. met this girl at my gym a couple weeks ago. i kept seeing her look at me so i eventually approached her and we hit it off right away, we even found out we went to the same community college but go on different days so i’ve never seen her around there. but yea for the next couple weeks whenever i saw her at the gym i would just flirt around with her.
since i’ve been really into her, i decided to look her up on instagram to see if she had one, low and behold she was one of the first people to pop up and i found her right away, lucky me right? well not quite and i kind of regret looking her up now. there seems to be another guy in her life but i’m not sure how serious they are. on one post it’ll say something like “lucky to have this guy in my life hes such a good friend, ladies hes single” and then theres another one a couple weeks later with them holding hands with a “im glad he spent his holiday with me, he makes me smile #netflixandchill”.
so im pretty sure at this point that this dude already beat me to her but i was really into her. do i have any hope with her or should i even still be talking to her? maybe just keep it cordial but nothing further than that while i pursue other peole? i don’t know i can’t even think straight right now lol.
Barret, Instagram doesn’t mean shit. If you’re into her, ask her out and see what happens. If she says no, you have your answer, and you pursue others.
If she says yes, you have a date on your hands. Good luck!
ok.. my story is little long because it all started 4 years and 8 months ago.
during 1st year of my college there was a girl in the college, and we were friends..
I just saw her as a friend…… but I had a feeling that she likes me. i had my reasons …. for example on my bday she was the first one to wish me exactlly at 00:00 am
but on her bday when I forgot to wish her exactlly at 00:00 AM, at 00:05 AM her friend called me and said ” dude y didnt u called her its her bday, she is feeling bad”.
from that day onward my feeling changed for her.. I started paying more attention towards her and slowly fell in love with her.
so on her next b’day I try to make it up to her for her previous bday..
I called her exactlly at 00:00 AM. wished her happy bday, told a little poetry to her about how much she mean to me. when the next day on my way to meat her. I baught a cake and buffet of roses for her and I had a whole day planed for her… but when I meat her she came with her sister… she accepted the gift but said” she had her day planed with her family, so she could not come with me.” which I perfectly understand.
and for few days we talked on the phone. after few days her behavior changed. I tried to met her in campus but she always said she had classes or I would ask her to come too a movie with me but she always have some excuses about why she don’t want to. and then she would not always receive my calls( earlier she always used to pick my calls). she also started ignoring my masseges, I would txt her on whatsapp I could see she is online but she will not reply me, at first I thought she is trying to make me feel bad for how I treated her during the first year of college, and she will come around.one day I was very durnk and I texted her that I love her, the next day when I awoke I saw my text and I was terrified so I called her thinking she will be mad at me, this time she picked the call on first ring but she was not mad at me.
so i asked her did she read my massage she said “yes “and then she was silent for few minutes. it was like she want me to say it to her on phone but i could not do it so i said that “i am sorry, i was drunk last night when i texted her” and she said “oh god.” and i cut the call. after that it got worse and worse bw us. and on my bday(17 dec) she called me just few minutes before the 18 dec.. so I thought I am being idiot and over thinking my self may be she always saw me as her friends…. so from next I started talking to her as a friend and the things turned to be normal. we would texted each other but hardly call or meat other than college…. It went on like this throughout the college years..
at the final year of college we both got jobs but in different cities… now its been 8 months since the college life ended and 6 months the last I saw her…. I never really told her that I love her. and i am not sure that if she love me or not. and still the situation bw us has not changed. she genrally igonred my text and calls…
so 2 weeks ago, tired of this drama I deleted her contact info and every thing and said to myself that I have to move on.
but I really miss her.. I don’t wanted to end it.. I don’t know what should I do…
plz tell me. what should I do?
waiting for ur reply………
AR, you need to move on with your life. Don’t tell her your feelings. Don’t contact her. The best thing you did was to delete her contact info and try to get over. It’s pretty clear she’s not into you at all, otherwise she would have given you a sign she likes you. If she had feelings for you, she wouldn’t ignore your texts and calls.
Stay away from her, and meet other women.
should I tell her about my feelings, now?
its may be possible that she has BF.
. but I dont know for sure
Nope, see the reply above.
While I was married I had an affair with a girl and fell in love with her. However it took a long time for me to figure out how to get out of my marriage with kids and all. During that time the girl I was seeing and had a miscarriage. I couldn’t be there for her and another man was. Also I said something I regret to this day that she should find someone because I knew she was miserable and I was dealing with the wreckage of my marriage. She and I still talk still say I love you and often talk of future plans and we and ours. But she has her boyfriend of 6 months now and she says she doesn’t plan on leaving him anytime soon. Part of me yells run and run fast but the other part of me can’t get her out of my system. I’ve tried dating and it made her jealous but that’s not how I want to win her back. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t even know what the right thing is anymore I’m all twisted up.
Hey Chris, the part of you that yells “run fast” is right.
Saying “I love you” and talking about future plans is REALLY unhealthy if she’s involved with someone else. Also, talk is cheap, actions speak louder than words. She’s just talking, but she’s not leaving him, is she? So when exactly are these future plans going to happen? When are you going to enjoy this so-called love that exists between you two?
On top of that, she doesn’t have the right to get jealous when you see anyone else. She’s not dating you, she’s dating her boyfriend. She has no hold over you.
Here’s what I suggest: cut contact and move on with your life. I know, it’s scary because you’re afraid of losing what you have with her, right? Let me tell you exactly what you and she share right now: nothing.
You go home every night, wanting and wishing to be with her. She goes home to her boyfriend. You and she talk about love on the phone, but she gives it to her boyfriend in real life. You go talk to other women, but she gets jealous. So you actually have what Winfred has in the post above: a jealous woman who doesn’t want you to hook up with other people, but doesn’t want to commit to you either.
I’m sure she’s not a bad person. She’s probably reluctant to leave her boyfriend because there’s no guarantee you’ll stick around when he’s gone. But that’s her burden.
You need to move on with your life. Stop this half-assed farce of a relationship, and start meeting women who want to have a meaningful relationship with you instead.
She does not have a boyfriend… We talk a lot, and I get the feeling she is into be because she shows she cares, for example, I smoked a cigarette the other day. First one since like 2014. And she got real mad. My friends and I have a gm, and whenever I talk to a girl or joke with a girl in our gm she texts me individual asking what’s up, or what i’m doing just to get a convo going. Sometimes I leave her hanging or I just wont reply and she gets pissed and will get all defensive. But the thing is, she likes someone else… they aren’t dating, but I think she has dick fever. The kid goes to college(Freshman) in colorado, and she, like me, is a senior in highschool. Can I still say,
“I’m not your boyfriend. You already have a boyfriend. I’m not waiting around for you to decide that maybe you’re going to break up with him for me. I’m worth more than that, and I deserve better than to be your backup plan. If you were single, and over him, we would be talking about getting together. But I will not be your “just in case”.’ Except switch out the word ‘boy friend” with something like ‘someone you like’??? It’s a great quote and states everything I am feeling, I just do not know for a fact if she likes me which is why I am hesitant on saying it. I think she is because of my examples above, but I told her once before “I just dont want to be that dude you talk to when Parker is not around” and she said something like, “I know, it is just really confusing between us blah blah blah we said we would cut it off when he left for colorado but I still like him blah blah blah”
help? Thank you.
Hey man, you know exactly what you need to do. Make the lines between you two clear, and tell her you’re either dating, or friends, but you can’t be half in one and half in the other.
I think you telling her that paragraph is a good idea. No guarantee she’ll be into you, but at the very least things will be clear and you can move on. Good luck!
I might get the same advice, but there’s a little plot twist.
Caught a girl staring at me at orientation. The she jumped into my conversation w/ a friend. She gave me some compliments. We swapped numbers. Entered an iPhone group chat with a few others. She was mainly/immediately responsive to me (only) in the chat. Then one time I texted her in a different message and after about two replies about the weather (lol don’t ask) she stopped responding…. okay whateverrr! It’s nothing. So school starts (freshman yr of college). I face timed her twice – no response. At this point I hadn’t talked to her in 2-3 wks but still. Fast forward two/three weeks later – I see her heading to class. We said hi as we passed but then I texted her again.
“Who knew it took the sun to shine for _____to appear – lets hang”
*she sends kissy faces* “yes please”
“wyo tonight”
“i have class until ___”
“that’s cool. what about tomorrow” – no response
W/e. I met another chick that day so it didn’t bother me really. I figured the girl (we’ll call her “T”) was crushing on me at orientation so I didn’t see her as much of a challenge & I didn’t really think about her as much as I do now nor did I pay her too much attention during the remaining days of summer.
*sees her two weeks later. we both make eye contact. no one speaks (she blew me off remember) so I walked off*
*the next week I text her and a few more times afterwards* (she’s responsive, but sometimes it takes me to double text to get another reply or if I don’t text she just wont hmu)
Long story short: I ended up implying that I wanted her a couple weeks later. I texted T and she told me she had a girlfriend (such a plot twist, but shes bi) and I was basically like “dammmn she beat me to it.” Pretty sure they got together a week or two before school started. Anyways, ever since then, I’d try to hang with her, but she legit hit me with “its my friends birthday” “Im not home im with my roomie” “im doing homework” etc etc. And I believe her but damn. She doesn’t offer up any alternatives to hang. If I see her in person, she’ll smile, wave and I’ll notice her looking at me before I even spot her.
I did accidentally drunk texted her on Halloween and ended up just showing up to her dorm to apologize tho. In the drunk text she blew it off though by saying “i know you’re drunk but so am I so it’s all good.” At her dorm, She just said she knew I was drunk so it was cool. we had a decent conversation, as well. I just get the feeling she wasn’t too emotionally connected to it. Good eye contact, but Idk.
Anyways, another friend of mine told me the first week of school how he planned to cook for her, but she never showed up. She told him it was a car on fire preventing her from entering the building. However, I also learned that this guy was shy and had people “pulling the strings” – trying to get him to talk to her in the first place, what to say, and all of that. Me? Not to sound like a douche, but I am confident, funny, well-dressed, and I like to think I have a cool personality .
Now, it’s the last week of the semester and I want to know.. should I try to see her one last time to remind her of my existence or should I just keep my distance? Haven’t spoken to her since thanksgiving break & I left her on read. I saw her yesterday, but she didn’t see me so it’s almost like I never did. But yeah.. I like this chick. She’s not judgmental, confident, and optimistic. I just hate how her friends constantly ramble about how hot she is… I’m not trying to compete with her other “admirers.” I just want her. She just seems so.. “busy” and “unbothered”
Dude, you need to forget about this girl. It sounds like she’s trying to let you down easy, and doesn’t know how to tell you she’s not interested.
If a girl is interested, believe me she will free up her schedule to hang with you. The fact that this girl hasn’t tried even once is a red flag.
Move on. Find a girl who actually wants to see you.
I figured she doesn’t want to hang because she’s in a happy relationship and so I ruined my chance as being her friend .. My friend asked her if she’d ever date me and she was like “idk I’m in a relationship so I’ve been focused on her”..I won’t wait, but do you think she’ll come around?
Honestly? I don’t know her well enough to say, but probably not.
Hey,
I’ve been having this problem for the last few months. There is this new girl in our appartement building in the city I study in, but back home she has a boyfriend. We went out a couple of times and had lots of fun and multiple times we also had sex. But after last week hanging out and also having sex she tells me she has a boyfriend and this really shouldn’t be happening, but she kinda loves me. Now a few days ago she tells me it really can’t happen anymore and she wants to choose for her boyfriend. But she still is making moves towards me and is flirting and stuff. My question now is what should I do? Beceause I don’t want to be the guy waiting for her, but I am also madly in love with her en she loves me back (her words).
Little side note, I am also getting of some drugs (mostly weed and cocaine) and alcohol which is really hard, so that’s not really helping also…
Help? Thanx
Alright CR, I don’t have advice about the drugs. I myself don’t do any, I find they impair my judgment too much.
About the girl, if she has a boyfriend, it doesn’t matter what she says to you. Her actions are what’s important, and she’s not leaving him anytime soon, is she? What’s the point of her saying she loves you if she’s dating someone else? What’s her goal with that?
It’s easy to say “I love you” to someone when you’re dating someone else, because it means you don’t have to back up those words with any kind of commitment. So don’t believe her when she says it.
She said she chose her boyfriend, well now you need to tell her to respect that decision. Tell her to stop wasting your time unless she wants something serious, and move on.
I have kind of liked this girl for quite sometime but I wasn’t emotionally available back then. After seeing her again at a party last week, I started sending her messages through a social network while hiding my true identity.
I must have done quite a remarkable job at getting her attention until we met in person and she was kinda relieved it was me.
Into a week of this ride, she keeps on saying not to kiss her but lets me kiss her on her lips anyway. She lets me hold and touch her, kiss her hand and such. She hangs out, calls me and goes wherever I want. Actually, as part of our ‘dare game’, we’re planning to gate crush at some party this month.
She works from a different city where I am at but stays with her boyfriend when she’s here. Kaboom! She admits she likes me, cares for me and is happy with me but she is in a committed relationship.
I like her very much, what should I do?
This all happened in 10 days, but I have liked her since 2013. She has mentioned that their relationship has been crappy.
10 days… but it’s been like a year to me. I know, I don’t what this to happen to me too if I were the boyfriend… but
Does she really like me or is it just because I’m leading her on?
Should I continue going out with her getting to know her more while knowing she would just simply go home to her boyfriend?
Or, would it be proper if I take a chance as early as now to ask if she’d be willing to take it further, like going home with me?
Or would I go telling her how much she means and give her space?
Look, it depends on what you’re willing to put up with. I would never go after a woman who already has a boyfriend, I’m not a fan of disrupting other people’s relationships, regardless of how unhappy they seem. But you’re not me.
Do you want to date this woman? And have her leave her boyfriend for you? Then you keep doing what you’re doing, and hope she leaves him eventually. Most of the time though, a woman who can cheat won’t leave her boyfriend because why would she? She’s got the security of a relationship with him, and the excitement of the affair with you.
I disagree with the bottom line of this article as it gives only one singe point of view, which is wrong…
I also disagree with the statement: “And if she does, and you end up dating, will you trust her knowing that she left her previous boyfriend for you? Or will you constantly be worried that when things get rocky, she may leave you for the next Mr Nice Guy with a shoulder to cry on?” This implies that you are not sure of yourself AND that actually you do not like the girl, but more that she is difficult to get. Maybe you were in this situation and it did not work out for you, but this is not always the case.
From my point of view, it really depends on the situation the girl is in. Overall, people are not in control of their lives and everything can happen. And also, let’s face it, cheating is part of life as well. And it can happen to all of us, for good or for bad.
I think this article gives a much more interesting point of view:
http://www.girlschase.com/content/girl-has-boyfriend-3-things-do-and-7-things-not
Joseph, I don’t mess with women in relationships, period. Even if she’s fantastic, it’s still an extra layer of issues that I have to work around to get the girl. Why bother?
I read Chase’s article, and he gives 7 situations where you SHOULDN’T interfere with a woman who’s in a relationship. Then he explains that “if she doesn’t fit any of the above, and she has a boyfriend, you have the green light to go ahead.” Well, I think that’s too complicated. Those 7 situations are 90% of the cases. Do you really want to go after an attached woman, on the off chance that she’s in the green light 10%? Why bother?
So, as a blanket rule, don’t go after women in relationships. 90% of the time it’s a waste of time, 10% of the time there are still complications because she’s attached and it’s lots of extra work. There are SO MANY single women out there, it’s insane to waste your time on someone who’s attached. Just find someone who’s single, and go for it: the only obstacle there is you.
Hey, first of all I think it’s really great that you’re trying to help so many people. So… For me I’ve known this girl a long time from school, unfortunately when I met her she had a boyfriend which she is still currently with. Recently she told me that she’s been having “more than friends” feelings for me which she’s had for a month or maybe two (she only told me last night) and that she’s pulling away from her boyfriend and I’m pulling her in. Having said that she’s very confused as she says she still loves him (turns out he’s been hitting her etc which makes me furious). I said I want to talk in person and she agreed, it’s going to be on December 31st so I hope you get a chance to reply by then ^^. I’d just like to ask your opinion on what my next steps should be and what I can really do in this situation when we meet face to face, thanks for any reply 🙂
So how did it go?
The night itself seemed to go really well, she ended up coming to my place and we watched a few movies. (She was very intimate). When she left she said to give her a week to make a decision and I said okay sure. Then the next morning she texted me and said she couldn’t be with me because she still loves her boyfriend. I then told her that I couldn’t just be friends with her (she tried to spring the friend zone trap) and that if anything changes to give me a call. She didn’t take that very well and kinda lashed out to which I just didn’t respond. I’m not sure what to do now, I can’t see them being together for much longer because there doesn’t seem to be any trust in the relationship. Let me know what you think of the situation ? (It’s kinda f*cked I know lol)
You did good Kyle! Really good. Well done.
Now you move on. She might come back to you, she might not. If she does, you’ll have her full attention, not some easy “I’ve kinda got feelings for you but still want to be with my boyfriend” crap.
If she doesn’t, you’ll meet other women.
It might be hard for you to see it, because you’re still really into her, but it’s a good situation, albeit a difficult one.
I’m recently separated and have been seeing this girl on and off for two weeks. She has a boyfriend. I fetched her from the airport the other night, she said she missed me, and she hugged and kissed me on the cheek. While together, we were as per usual giggling, laughing and teasing.
I didn’t know how we got into discussing this but she asked me what I wanted out of what we had: did I want myself to be her “other boyfriend”, or did I want her to be my mistress. She said she’s not comfortable thinking that people might get hurt. She said she might need time to think where I stand.
But the fun and teasing continued after that. I’d normally kiss her lips before dropping her off and she would normally text me not to do that again, but it still happens every time anyway. That night we kissed with her eyes closed, longer and passionately, then bade goodbye.
I did not contact her since then thinking she needed space. It’s been two days that I haven’t heard from her. Please advise. Thanks!
She gave you the choice of being “the other boyfriend” or her being “the mistress”?
C’mon bro, you’re better than that. It’s obvious you want more with her. Tell her that.
Wow love this article. Have a common experience. I met this girl in high school 4 years older than me but blindly fell for. She was of great help financially cos I didn’t have and I got to know she had another guy who is her source of finance. After high she left for a year without Any communication and now she gives me a surprise visit and tell she can’t love anyone else except me. And tells me with tears she had sex with the other guy she doesn’t love so I should forgive and she is ready to wait for me to achieve whatever I want to and marry her. Now am really confused please help me.
She wants to be with you, she’s leaving him. What’s the issue?
Hey man,
I actually read this article a few weeks back, followed your advice but think I need more.
Girl I work with (in a relationship) tells me she likes me a few weeks back. I feel the same way but said I don’t get involved with people in relationships and backed off quite a bit.
Since then, she has broken up with her bf, we went out and had a great time but her last relationship was pretty long term (3 years) so I’m not sure she’s ready for anything else. That, combined with working together is making the whole thing pretty confusing. We both kind of agreed to be mates for the time being but we’re pretty flirty at work so it’s hard to just be mates and not want something more. My plan at the moment is just to stay mates and keep flirting while also dating other people, maybe in future something could happen but not waiting or banking on it.
I’ve basically got 2 questions. Is it a good idea to get involved with someone at work? And how long should you wait after a girl gets out of a relationship?
Thanks,
Joe
Two answers for you Joe!
1. It’s not a problem to get involved with someone from work, as long as you are good with boundaries. No relationship talk at work, you have to be adults and be good coworkers.
2. The fact that she broke up with him is a good sign, it usually means she’s moved on already. Most women I’ve known are ready almost immediately after they break up with someone, so don’t wait. Invite her on a casual date and see what happens. “Dating other people” is a great way for her to meet someone else and get with them instead of you.
She is actually leaving him for me with the intention of helping me achieve whatever I want then get married to her. What should I do. She cry every time she calls. Should I accept or not?
Dude, I can’t tell you if you want to marry this woman or not. That’s up to you. Only you can make a decision that big.
Similar problem but I’m the girl. Started a new job in new city, long term boyfriend moves with me. About a year 1/2 later, things end, and a coworker seems to show interest once I was out of my relationship. We get along very well on a professional level, and have a strong support system because it is a creative job and it is healthy to have each other’s back when projects hit you emotionally. I do consider him as a friend beyond our work relationship but I never meant that to be taken the wrong way. 6 months after my break up, I am now seeing someone new, and recently made it public. I can definitely sense that I have hurt my coworker’s feelings. It seems that he is doing exactly what you advice here and taking his distance. And I totally respect that even if I’m a little crushed by that and hope we can get our work creative and friendship repour back in future projects. Any advice?
Adela, you didn’t do anything wrong. You just ended up in a crappy situation where a guy liked you, and you didn’t like him back.
Sometimes people grow close, and one person misconstrues that closeness as affection. It happens.
My only advice to act like everything’s fine at work. Keep the same banter and fun going, but with one change: try to avoid physical contact that can be interpreted as you liking him, and never say anything negative about your boyfriend around him.
You don’t want to give him false hope accidentally. Good luck!
Like Adela I’m a girl and I’ve just fallen into the similar situation recently. Since this issue is so fresh, I’ve decided to think and act right asap. I know this should be a place for guys, but… Well, maybe seeing the situation from the girl’s point of view can be helpful too.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. We’re sharing a flat since October. I’ve met the other guy the same time I met my boyfriend, meaning 5 years ago. They were good buddies then. I’ve never even thought about the other guy as more than a friend, but a year ago something ‘clicked’ and I got infatuated with him. I wanted to see him as much as I could, I felt warm when I thought of him, I adored his every success and mistake. I clinged to the moments when I could hug him, as a greeting or farewell gesture. Sometimes I fantasised about kissing him. I definitely did not want to sleep with him.
Three days ago I was at his place, and my boyfriend wasn’t there. We drank quite a lot. I remember putting my head on his shoulder, and then, I’m not sure when exactly, we began to kiss.
It lasted a while. We then talked, he convinced me that this could not ever work between us, and that he noticed my feelings, but he respects me, my boyfriend and himself, to let this happen.
But then something strange happened. We embraced each other again and I said: “One last time?”, and he replied: “One last time”. And we kissed again. So passionately that I still feel fuzziness inside about this memory.
Believe me that I’m not a bad person, at least I don’t wanna be one. I don’t want to cheat on my partner. I’m just lost in my feelings.
I don’t want the other guy to feel abused or hurt. I just want our friendship to last. Is it still possible, after what happened?
Not really. You crossed a line that shouldn’t have been crossed, by making out with your boyfriend’s friend. In order to fix this situation, you both need to get away from each other and let the tension fade. Otherwise each time you see each other it will be awkward, there’ll be some sexual tension, and you both might end up doing something you regret.
However, there is something else to consider. Why are you so infatuated with another man? Is it because things with your boyfriend are not going so well? Is it because this other man is more suited to you than your boyfriend?
You should take a long, deep look inside, and really see what’s going on. It’s normal to have mini-crushes on other people from time to time, but a year-long infatuation with somebody might be a sign of something else.
Thank you so much for your reply, gutsygeek! I am really happy that you spend some of your time to look at my situation.
I did look deeply inside myself for a previous week, which made me completely ‘disfunctional’ regarding social matters. And I’m not really sure what should I do yet.
It’s hard for me to just throw those 5 years in the trash can, however I start to realize that we’re not engaged or married yet, so I still could find someone… My current bf seems to have some traits that make me very miserable too. But isn’t love about overcoming this misery and putting up with someone regardless?
At the same time, the other guy SEEMS to be more responsible (i.e. unlike my partner, he has a job) and considerate. On the other hand, after our incident he said that ‘this could never work between us’. Or is it that he just couldn’t say anything else in such situation?
Do you think I could still talk to the friend I kissed after some more time passes? I mean, I’d like to make sure if he doesn’t hold any grudge against me and if, after the tension fades, we can still hang out. And, hypothetically, could he possibly accept me in the future, if I decided to leave my bf? Despite what he said?
Hiya Opal, you took the time to come to my blog and post a response. Anyone who’s willing to do that will get an answer from me every single time.
It looks like you’re bringing up a couple of things, so I’ll try to address them individually.
First, the friend you kissed. Give it some time, and it should be ok to act as if things are back to normal. The only way that wouldn’t happen is if he has a crush on you, so you have to gauge whether or not that’s the case.
Second, dating the friend you kissed. I’m not sure if he’d be willing to date you if you left your boyfriend. Anything’s possible. The only way to find out is to have the courage to ask him. It’s what I tell all my male readers, and I don’t see why I can’t give you the same advice. You are a geek, after all 🙂
Third, love is most certainly not about overcoming the misery someone creates in you. On the contrary, there should never be misery caused by your partner. You can have arguments, and be at odds with each other, and work on certain aspects of your relationships and personalities together. But if someone makes you miserable, you’re probably not in a good place together.
Can you see yourself being with your partner forever? In 20 years? In 5 years? Having children together?
If you can’t visualize yourself long-term with your partner, if you don’t see him as the person you want to stay with for a long time, if you can’t fathom the idea of having children with him… then what are you doing with him exactly?
Finally, it’s important for you to respect your partner, and that includes them carrying their own weight. If you have a job and have your life together, but your boyfriend sits around the house all day and doesn’t have any aspirations or goals, it’s difficult to respect him, right?
Remember, breaking up with someone doesn’t mean the relationship was a failure. You’re not “throwing five years in the trash”, as you put it. Were The Beatles a failure because they broke up? No, of course not. They had a glorious time together, and then when it was over, they moved on to new adventures. In your case, you can view the five years as good times you spent together, and a learning experience, which you can use to get into a better, more fulfilling relationship.
Oh, and you can also work through your problems with your boyfriend. But that’s a talk for another day, if you’d like to have it.
Hi gutsygeek, it’s me again.
I’ve been thinking a lot on what you told me – it’s been a long time, isn’t it? I just thought I’d give you an update on my situation.
I finally decided to have a serious talk with my bf. I came to think that maybe I wasn’t happy with my bf because we had different visions on the nature of relationship, and if that was the case that I’d move out from our flat. His reaction struck me down – not only did he commit to every his poor behavior recently, but he also begged me to stay, which he NEVER did before. Once, years ago, he even said that he wouldn’t stop me from being happy whether with him or not, but I guess things changed since then.
Now we’re still together, putting effort to work our way throught this all, but now we communicate our needs and bothers explicitly.
About the other guy, that friend… He’s been keeping distance for about a month too, coincidentally just about till I made up with my bf. I think he needed that time too, perhaps to get over his own feelings, just like me. I really believe that we will be able to get back to being really good pals soon. And what we did… Well, I guess I’ll just keep it as a fun memory, and most certainly won’t dwell on it.
Looks like this is how this chapter ends. 🙂 Thank you again for your support and advice. You helped me to make a good decision when I was a real mess.
Keep up the good job! You’re awesome!
Opal, wow. Just wow. I am really impressed by what you did. Taking the hard road, being honest and communicating with your boyfriend is NOT an easy thing to do, especially when things are shaky. Really, well done, and thank you so much for coming back and letting me know. It’s a good feeling seeing people take my advice and actually doing good, it makes all my writing worthwhile 🙂
Hiyah there, gutsygeek. You might not remember me, but I’ve shared my problem with you… It’s been a year by now. I just felt like dropping you a line again. I’m sure you are busy right now, but you may catch up on my situation, thanks to our previous comments, and I believe that the continuation of my story may be of use if you would need to help another geek in similar situation someday.
Actually I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend, 7 months after I last wrote to you. I just came to realize that I’m not in love with him anymore, I didn’t want to get close to him in any way – be it sex, kissing, not even hugging. I cared (and I do still care) about him, but not in the way I imagine and want my significant relationship to be like. Now it’s been 6 months since I’m single. Our breakup was quite a shock for our common friends, and most of them turned away from me (since they assumed that I was that ‘evil girl that dumped the poor guy’), but I still feel that I made the right decision. Because I chose to be honest with myself.
In January 2016 I wondered if I could get together with that other boy, the one I made out with. Now I see clearly that it could never work. Because why would he trust me now? He saw me cheating on my boyfriend, so how could I guarantee that I wouldn’t do the same thing for him someday?
Okay, so now that I lost my long-term bf, and many of my friends along, I felt quite lonely for some time. But somehow I managed to get myself together, to care more for my family, my education, my hobbies. I came to realize that relationships with people are never unbreakable, that people come and go. And the most important person for me… Should be me-myself.
Please, remember my story, and I really hope it will come in handy for someone someday. Despite everything, despite losing that battle, I really think I’m okay now. More than ever. Because I won myself.
I wish you everything best, lots of good health and strength to help other people who need you. Just like I needed you a year ago.
Hey Opal!
Thank you so much for writing back and giving me an update. I’m really glad you decided to put yourself first, it’s the biggest step you’ll ever take towards being happy.
With regards to friends, if they ditched you, they weren’t real friends to begin with. The ones you care about, and the ones that really care about you, they’ll stick around no matter what you do.
I’m so proud of you for taking these steps and being true to yourself. If you ever need to chat about anything, I’m always one email away.
So I met this girl a few years back we dated for a while (I introduced her to my friends while dating her(important for later)) then we broke up it was a mutual thing then she ended up moving to another school and I’d rarely talk to her but I still did so we started talking again and we became best friends and I started to realize how much I started to like her again then I went on vacation where there was no internet and when I came back she was talking to my used to be best friend who is a jerk to me now I tell her stuff about him that I knew she wasn’t into but later I tell her how I’ve started to really like her again she tells me that she feels the exact same way to me also but she just started dating him (jerk best friend) that day and she didn’t want to just break up with him because they just started so I keep in touch with her and stuff I go do stuff with her then she moves to my school apperantly because she doesn’t like her school and wanted to hang with her friends she already knew so we have a class together now but I still talk to her and she says she doesn’t want to break up with him now because she’s afraid he might start self harming himself so idk what to do she says she likes me but she won’t break up with him because of that and she said she’s waiting for something “stupid” to happen before she does. btw I’m her best friend so that should be a factor to your answer
Wow, that was a really long sentence.
What if she doesn’t break up with him? What if he doesn’t do anything “stupid”? You’ll end up wasting time for nothing.
Also, are you really her best friend? What if she never leaves him? Will you be ok with being her “best friend” and hanging out with her platonically forever, knowing she’s never going to sleep with you? Is a wolf the lamb’s best friend? No, you’re just waiting for your opportunity to pounce and have her as yours.
If you want to be her “best friend”, then be her friend properly, with no ulterior motive. If you want to be her boyfriend, that’s not going to happen for a while (if ever), so get out there and start seeing other women. She can’t get mad at you for that, because she’s seeing someone else as well. Then if she ever breaks up with her man, you can think about next steps.
But right now, in the present, you have nothing except for a promise and a waiting game.
I am with my fiancee for over five years now, and this lady is in relationship with another guy for a long time since our relationship. She claimed that she love me more than that guy, and she will marry me, but I ask her to stop that relationship and she refuse and told me that since i am a student and have not been always taking care of her, she keep that boy since the guy has been taking care of her financial needs. Pls advise me, what can i do?
It is totally unfair that you only get to date her, while she dates someone else.
I recommend you do one of these:
– either you leave her and find someone who just wants to be monogamous with you, and NO ONE ELSE.
– or you start dating other people too. If she has two boyfriends, you should be allowed to have two girlfriends, right?
Okay, there is a girl that love and she says she loves me too, we hang out during lunch breaks, share food that we have. I noticed that she mentions her bf while eating. Her and boy friend are dating for the 6th month. She told me that she had crush on my in the 8th grade, now we are in the 10th grade. We both admitted that we love each other…… So we started dating but privately and she told me that she doesn’t want her bf to find out about me and her, we only baby-kissed and hugged.. She says she hates hugging me in public because people are watching but i believe its more than that…… So Valentine Day its nearby and I have already bought her present but she doesn’t know. Should I give her the present or not,???
Should I continue dating her privately??
Excellent advice, I was hooked up on a girl, but after reading this, I’m definitely going to try to talk to other girls.!!!!!!
We started seeing each other when she was single. 2 weeks later she got back with her x boyfriend. But she still speaks to me everyday and tells me she has feelings for me, I’m so confused. I can’t see her splitting up with him, but we get on so well and have a strong connection. What the hell is going on?:/