It’s Tuesday morning.

A week ago, the woman I’d been seeing and I broke up. It was the best breakup I’ve ever had.

I’ve been mulling over the feelings I have, and wanted to be sure I knew what was going on inside of me before I wrote this. I’m pretty clear now, so here I am, typing away.

Let’s talk about it.

Sagat and Balrog Best Breakup

The Secret

For the last two months, I have been keeping a secret from you geeks. I’ve hinted at it, yet have refrained from giving you the full scoop, as I wasn’t sure what was going on myself.

Essentially, I had been seeing one woman. Yep, only one.

I’m not going to give you the full details of our relationship. Suffice to say, she is smart, and funny, and sexy, and an all around great gal. We had a wonderful time together, but when faced with the possibility of forever, neither of us was interested.

We ended up breaking up in a mellow way, with no residual anger or resentment towards each other. It was the best breakup ever, which is weird for me, but also an incredible testament to how mature the relationship was.

As I sit here typing these words, I feel a pinch of sadness, a slight a wistful sensation floating inside my body. It’s ok though: I know the breakup was for the best.

Guile and Chun Li Best Breakup

It’s more the sadness of losing a good friend with whom I shared some really wonderful times. We know we’re not right for each other, but it still hurts a bit. Yet I’m confident for the future, because I learned some great things with her.

I’m also really glad it wasn’t one of these.

The Learnings

The most important thing I discovered while dating her, is that I had an insanely strong fear of commitment. As my buddy put it, “you need to take some Commitenol pills”. I realized this within the first week of seeing her.

Early on in our relationship, when I told her I was seeing other people too, she made it clear that didn’t work for her. Usually when that happens, I lose interest and move on, but something about her made me stay.

Perhaps the universe thought there was something I needed to learn about myself, and this was it.

So I freaked out, and a deep panic set in.

“One woman?! Now?! I don’t know if I can do it. There is so much out there I have yet to explore. How can I give up all the freedom, all these skills I have spent years honing, for one woman?”

There is no easy answer there. You just do it.

When the panic and the dust had settled, there I was, committing to one woman, even if only for a short while. And I was freaking out.

When I got to the root of the problem, I realized the panic was caused by a couple of things:

-fear of making a mistake by committing to one person who might not be “the one”.
-fear of breaking up.
-fear of missing out on all the other women out there.

Basically, it was all caused by fear, rooted in future projections. I kept thinking long-term, into the distance, and was missing out on what was going on right now.

All the future projections I was throwing out there were messing with my present happiness.

With a bit of help, I managed to push these fears away, and focus on my time with her. Almost instantly, all of my fears vanished, and I began to like her more.

Guile and Chun Li Best Breakup 2

The Success

What ensued was a rollicking good time, followed by an ending. Yep, we broke up.

But just because we’re not together anymore doesn’t mean the relationship was a failure. On the contrary: I see it as a huge success.

I had a great time with a lovely woman. I confronted my fear of commitment, and realized I am now ready for something long-term with one partner. I got to experience a deeper sense of connection with another person, which I haven’t had in the last three years.

Oh, and she often stroked my beard until I fell asleep. If ever there was a wonderful feeling to have as a man, it’s that one. I want all guys out there to grow a beard, simply so that you can experience this one time. It’s relaxing, and heavenly.

Now, before I get all poetic, I’ll leave you with this last thought.

For most of us, the large majority of our relationships will end, before you find the one that you decide to stick with (and even then, lots of those end in divorce and/or separation much later).

Geek, if you treat every one of those ended relationships as a failure, your whole dating life will be one big fail.

Rather, think of it like this: every relationship is a learning experience. They’re all practice for the last relationship you will end up in, which hopefully is the best one. Some fit, some don’t, but you can’t know until you try it on for size.

A relationship will last as long as it needs to, for you to figure out if you do or don’t want it. And that’s not a bad thing at all, especially if you have good times along the way.

Guile and Chun Li Best Breakup 3

Space Invaders

As for me, I’m happy and hopeful for the future. I’ve taken my Commitenol pills, and it seems they’ve had a permanent effect on me. So I’ll say this out loud, right now, on my blog: I am looking for a girlfriend.

(But I’ll still hook up with women that want something casual in the meantime. I’m a geek with a sex drive, after all).

To my former lover: thanks for the good times, and the sunglasses. Every now and then when I’m driving, I catch my reflection wearing them, and think of you with a smile.

How have your breakups been in the past? Have you ever had a best breakup before?

12 comments add your comment

  1. …but did you have to “lose a friend”?

    It always makes me so sad to think that someone who was so important to me (for any length of time) might not ever be in my life in any capacity, just because a romantic/sexual relationship wasn’t in the cards.

    Of course, I’ve had partners who’ve had problems with the fact that I try my darndest to maintain some form of connection with those I’ve loved in the past, and maybe I’m a weirdo for collecting people the way I do, but I think it’s so worth it.

    Not saying it’s always easy to do it, but I highly recommend keeping in touch if you can (even if it’s just making unsolicited comments on their blog once in a while). 🙂

    • It is important to stay in touch and be friends, as long as you’ve had time in between to properly get over each other. So in that sense, I am losing a friend for a while. But maybe not forever 😀

  2. This is so great. I wish more people wouldn’t equate break-ups with “failure.” Why is something a failure because it ended? Why does the success of a relationship hinge on two people being together until one of them dies? What if they were miserable and just unable to break away and pursue their own happiness?

    Would anyone say that a band that splits is unsuccessful? Were the Beatles a failure? Of course not. Much as bands leave behind a great body of work, a relationship changes everyone involved. You learn, you grow, you have great experiences, and then when it ends, you move forward. Sounds like success to me.

    • This was actually inspired by something you said to me: “just because you’re breaking up, doesn’t mean it’s a failure.” Word for word quoting you there.

      And I absolutely agree with the Beatles analogy.

  3. It’s always easier when the break up is mutual and you both understand why it has to be. My best break up was with my first serious boyfriend. I thought I was going to marry the guy someday, so it hurt, BUT what made it the best break up was the way he handled it. He had the decency to face me and talk to me about it afterwards. He also never completely shut me out. He wanted me back after awhile but I had realized he wasn’t for me. Makes me glad he broke up with me, or I probably would have dragged it out longer because I’m just not the quitting type.

    My last boyfriend, however, throughout the relationship appeared to absolutely adore me, then almost out of the blue dumped me and refused to talk to me or face me afterwards as if I had done something wrong, which I honestly hadn’t. It made it so much harder to get over. I still struggle with it and he still ignores me and that was over a year ago. It’s harder when you don’t know what happened and are left to feel like you did something wrong.

    • I think that might have been one of the first blogs of yours that I ever read and then I was hooked 😉 That’s a good one. It didn’t really help me on getting closure, but it did make me think of my ex differently. Maybe he’s got his own issues and I just happened to get in the way of him dealing with them. Who knows maybe one day he’ll be the one needing closure from me. Hopefully I’ll have the strength to be as kind to him as your ex was to you. 🙂

      I also want to mention, in that article, it seems to me, you didn’t realize until later that you needed closure, and when you finally realized it, your ex had the decency to talk to you about it. For me I knew right away what I needed and was never given that option…so got any advice on getting closure on your own, when your ex has completely shut you out for no good reason?

    • Actually, I do! You need to write him an email, and in it, say everything you want to say. But don’t send it! Save it as a draft. The next day, read it again, and add whatever you think is missing. Edit it to your heart’s content. And save it, without sending it.

      Keep doing this, day after day, saying what you need to say, writing it and re-writing it, until the day you have nothing more to say. When that time comes, you’ll be able to delete that email, without ever having sent it, and it won’t matter anymore. It’ll be like a weight has lifted from your shoulders, and although he won’t receive the words, you’ll feel as if he did, and you’ll get as close to the closure you need as you can.

      Believe me, it works, I’ve used it myself on my shitty breakups 🙂

  4. Absolutely agree! It’s always so strange to me when I see friends break up and then get upset at how the relationship wasn’t “real”. And I’m like, you were in love for three years, why should the fact that it ended cancel it all out?

    As for, “All the future projections I was throwing out there were messing with my present happiness,” … that’s exactly what happened to me. I was afraid of getting into a relationship because I knew I wasn’t ready for the long-term, so I was giving more thought to the (inevitable?) breakup than to the positive experiences we could have along the way. (Meanwhile, my friends who thought they were “dating as a lead-up to marriage” went through multiple short-term relationships, each time telling themselves she was “the one.”)

    I also really like Colin Wright’s post on this subject:
    How to Throw a Breakup Party | http://exilelifestyle.com/throw-breakup-party/

    • Dude, it’s so easy to get mired in future projections. If you’re the type of person who has a lot of projects on the go, you kind of have to be. The problem is, real life never follows a plan, and when we try (as I did) to make it fit the image in our minds, it’s destined to fail.

      What’s worse is that in doing so, one will always be missing out on all the important stuff in the present. As my buddy put it, “if you like her now, what’s the problem?”

  5. Great post Rami. Every relationship is indeed a valuable lesson and it’s important to be grateful for the good times and lessons learnt. Baggage is unattractive.

  6. I couldn’t agree with what you took from this more. I can say I’ve had similar experiences, with relationships that probably lasted about the same amount of time. Perhaps we knew we just wouldn’t work out in the long term, and in one case, we simply knew that inevitably there would be incredible distance. There’s no better choice than to forget about all the “what ifs” and just live in the moment without fear. Without some of those relationships, I would fear I might not be quite as far along as I am now.

    Also, I like the new layout!

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