It’s Tuesday morning.
A week ago, the woman I’d been seeing and I broke up. It was the best breakup I’ve ever had.
I’ve been mulling over the feelings I have, and wanted to be sure I knew what was going on inside of me before I wrote this. I’m pretty clear now, so here I am, typing away.
Let’s talk about it.
For the last two months, I have been keeping a secret from you geeks. I’ve hinted at it, yet have refrained from giving you the full scoop, as I wasn’t sure what was going on myself.
Essentially, I had been seeing one woman. Yep, only one.
I’m not going to give you the full details of our relationship. Suffice to say, she is smart, and funny, and sexy, and an all around great gal. We had a wonderful time together, but when faced with the possibility of forever, neither of us was interested.
We ended up breaking up in a mellow way, with no residual anger or resentment towards each other. It was the best breakup ever, which is weird for me, but also an incredible testament to how mature the relationship was.
As I sit here typing these words, I feel a pinch of sadness, a slight a wistful sensation floating inside my body. It’s ok though: I know the breakup was for the best.
It’s more the sadness of losing a good friend with whom I shared some really wonderful times. We know we’re not right for each other, but it still hurts a bit. Yet I’m confident for the future, because I learned some great things with her.
I’m also really glad it wasn’t one of these.
The most important thing I discovered while dating her, is that I had an insanely strong fear of commitment. As my buddy put it, “you need to take some Commitenol pills”. I realized this within the first week of seeing her.
Early on in our relationship, when I told her I was seeing other people too, she made it clear that didn’t work for her. Usually when that happens, I lose interest and move on, but something about her made me stay.
Perhaps the universe thought there was something I needed to learn about myself, and this was it.
So I freaked out, and a deep panic set in.
“One woman?! Now?! I don’t know if I can do it. There is so much out there I have yet to explore. How can I give up all the freedom, all these skills I have spent years honing, for one woman?”
There is no easy answer there. You just do it.
When the panic and the dust had settled, there I was, committing to one woman, even if only for a short while. And I was freaking out.
When I got to the root of the problem, I realized the panic was caused by a couple of things:
-fear of making a mistake by committing to one person who might not be “the one”.
-fear of breaking up.
-fear of missing out on all the other women out there.
Basically, it was all caused by fear, rooted in future projections. I kept thinking long-term, into the distance, and was missing out on what was going on right now.
All the future projections I was throwing out there were messing with my present happiness.
With a bit of help, I managed to push these fears away, and focus on my time with her. Almost instantly, all of my fears vanished, and I began to like her more.
What ensued was a rollicking good time, followed by an ending. Yep, we broke up.
But just because we’re not together anymore doesn’t mean the relationship was a failure. On the contrary: I see it as a huge success.
I had a great time with a lovely woman. I confronted my fear of commitment, and realized I am now ready for something long-term with one partner. I got to experience a deeper sense of connection with another person, which I haven’t had in the last three years.
Oh, and she often stroked my beard until I fell asleep. If ever there was a wonderful feeling to have as a man, it’s that one. I want all guys out there to grow a beard, simply so that you can experience this one time. It’s relaxing, and heavenly.
Now, before I get all poetic, I’ll leave you with this last thought.
For most of us, the large majority of our relationships will end, before you find the one that you decide to stick with (and even then, lots of those end in divorce and/or separation much later).
Geek, if you treat every one of those ended relationships as a failure, your whole dating life will be one big fail.
Rather, think of it like this: every relationship is a learning experience. They’re all practice for the last relationship you will end up in, which hopefully is the best one. Some fit, some don’t, but you can’t know until you try it on for size.
A relationship will last as long as it needs to, for you to figure out if you do or don’t want it. And that’s not a bad thing at all, especially if you have good times along the way.
As for me, I’m happy and hopeful for the future. I’ve taken my Commitenol pills, and it seems they’ve had a permanent effect on me. So I’ll say this out loud, right now, on my blog: I am looking for a girlfriend.
(But I’ll still hook up with women that want something casual in the meantime. I’m a geek with a sex drive, after all).
To my former lover: thanks for the good times, and the sunglasses. Every now and then when I’m driving, I catch my reflection wearing them, and think of you with a smile.
How have your breakups been in the past? Have you ever had a best breakup before?