4In my early 20’s, I had a lot of female friends. In fact, I’d say nearly every woman I met wanted to be my friend. People around me thought it was awesome that I was so popular with all these women. There was just one problem.

I was in The Friend Zone with every single one of them.

Not one of them wanted to date me. In fact, there was this one girl I was really into. We would go out for Korean food every couple of weeks, and I kept thinking how awesome it would be if we dated. So one day, after 6 months of hanging out, I asked her on a date. You know what she said?

“I don’t see you that way. You’re like a brother to me.”

Ugh. Super Kick In The Balls Friend Zone.

So today’s post is about how to avoid the Friend Zone, and not end up in the same situation as me.

What is the Friend Zone?


Let’s get deep for a sec.

According to the Social Exchange Theory, most human relationships can be characterized as exchanges.

In good relationships, the exchange is even, and your expectations are met: the effort you put in is rewarded with something of equal or greater value. For example, you help your friend move, he takes you out for pizza. You give your girlfriend love, she gives you love back.

Everybody invests some energy, everybody gets rewarded, everybody wins.

In bad relationships, the exchange is uneven: the effort you put in is NOT rewarded according to what you expected. For example, you meet a woman’s needs and give her love, but she only gives you back friendship.

Welcome to what is known as the Friend Zone.

The friend zone is a bad relationship. It occurs when two people don’t feel the same way about each other, be it romantically, sexually, or other.

The two most common ones I’ve seen occur when:
– boy wants to date girl, but girl just wants to be friends.
– girl wants to date boy, but boy just wants to be friends-with-benefits.

Awesome Friend Zone art by TheDullohan

Awesome Friend Zone art by TheDullohan

Why am I in the Friend Zone?

Just so we’re clear about it, the Friend Zone suuuuuuuuuuckkssss. But most of the time when it happens to you, it’s your fault.

Chances are you’re in the Friend Zone because you created a relationship in which you fulfill her needs, but she doesn’t fulfill yours.

Do any of these sound like you?

“We hang out all the time.”

“When she gets dumped by assholes, I’m her shoulder to cry on.”

“Anytime she needs anything from me, I’m there.”

Of course you are. You know what that makes you? Her girlfriend.

If you want to be her friend, these things are all ok. Helping her move, watching movies together, helping her pick out clothes, etc. All that platonic stuff is just perfect and peachy and creamy. But be honest with yourself.

If you do the above things, do them because you want to. Do them because, at heart, you want to be a good friend.

In this way, your expectations and rewards are met. You give her friendship, she gives you friendship right back. Everybody wins. It’s a great relationship.


If you do those things with an ulterior motive of eventually getting into her pants, or from a place where you feel she owes you, you’re screwed. If you take her out every week, and offer to buy her dinner and drinks, guess what? She’s going to take them. She’ll be really happy to have such a generous friend. Thinking that she owes you sex because of it? False. The reality is she doesn’t owe you anything.

You chose to give your money away, and didn’t ask for anything in return. You chose to create an unequal relationship, where you met her needs, but didn’t ask her to meet yours.

Do you really think if you had said “I’m going to buy you a drink now, but only if you fuck me later”, she would’ve agreed?

GutsyGeek Avoid The Friend Zone

Hell no.

4 Steps to Avoid the Friend Zone

When you first meet a woman, she is curious about you. She doesn’t know you yet, and if she’s available, she will consider you a future prospect if you’re not physically unappealing (protip: floss, and don’t pick your nose in public).

At this point, through your actions, you move into a specific zone. Here’s how to ensure it’s not the Friend Zone:

1. Flirt and Build Sexual Tension

If you make small talk, you’re nice, and keep the conversation light and fluffy, things will seem like they’re going well. In reality, you’re not doing anything special, and playing it safe. You’re going straight to the dreaded Friend Zone.

You need to try flirting instead. You do this by teasing her playfully, making fun of her in a cute way, and smiling. Sarcasm is your friend here.

You should also build some sexual tension, by making eye contact, and touching her arm, shoulder, and hand. Read my post on touching for more info!

In the meantime, here’s a good example of flirting from one of my favorite movies:

2. When you meet someone new, be brave and ask her out on a date

Once you’ve flirted and touched and shown her you’re interested in her, the right thing to do is ask her out on a date. You want to ask her out very soon after meeting, so she doesn’t accidentally think you’re just being friendly. Also, make sure you use the word “date”, so it’s obvious, and there’s no room for her to think you’re just “hanging out as friends.”

In this way, you’ll guarantee that she sees you as a potential boyfriend from the get-go, and not a generic guy for her to file under “friend”.

3. Show that other women are interested in you

If you’re going to an event where you know you’ll meet women, take a female friend with you. She can boost you up, say nice things about you, and even put her arm around you in a flirty way.

As humans, we all want what other people have, and so you’ll automatically become more attractive in other women’s eyes by having a wingwoman around that appears to like you.

Just make sure she’s a friend and not some random escort you hired.

4. If she rejects you, don’t hang around and hope the friendship becomes something more. 

This is the other big reason situation where you create a Friend Zone. If she says no, leave. Life isn’t some crappy Hollywood movie where if you stick around long enough, she’ll eventually realize you were the one all along and live happily ever after.

In real life, if she’s not interested in you now, she won’t be interested in you later. Stop wasting energy on stalking her like a crazy person. Instead, channel that energy into meeting someone new.

Final Thoughts

I think it’s pretty clear that the best way to avoid the Friend Zone is to never enter it in the first place.

But sometimes, despite your best efforts, she isn’t into you. You’re charming, you flirt, you touch, and yet you’re not getting into her pants or her heart. She could already have a boyfriend, or be interested in someone else, or just not attracted it to you. When this happens, remember to keep it classy.

Accept the rejection, move on with your life, and try to meet someone new.

Often enough, if you’re cool about it, she may just set you up with her friend as a consolation prize.

Whatever you do, don’t lose your mind and call her a bitch, that’s how you end up as an internet meme, reviled for all eternity by anyone with an internet connection.

Like this idiot:

Space Invaders

Are you struggling with the Friend Zone? Leave a comment and tell me about your experiences.

And if you feel this post helped you in some way, do me a favor and share it with your friends? Just hit one of the buttons below 🙂

“You are such a PIECE OF SHIT!” I exclaimed.

“Die in a grease fire!” he yelled back.

There were four of us, asses parked on my couch, playing fighting games. Insults were flying, trash talk was everywhere, buttons were being mashed, and all eyes were fixated on my monitor as we pummelled each other to bits.

This is what happens at my house at least once a week. A few friends come over every Saturday, from noon to 8pm, to play videogames. We spend the afternoon trash talking, farting, eating junk food, and talking about women. It’s Man Time™, and super fun.

But not for my girlfriend. She’s not into videogames at all. In fact, my girlfriend and I have almost no common interests.

And I think that makes her the perfect girl for me.

Different Interests


Different Strokes for Different folks

When my girlfriend and I first met, we quickly realized we didn’t have many common interests. I’m a hardcore geek, into videogames, scifi, fantasy, comic books, graphic novels, Star Wars, kung fu, Magic:TheGathering. I only watch two kinds of movies: action or comedy.

She’s much more artsy. She enjoys hanging out with friends over a bottle of wine, and will spend days choosing the perfect pictures for a photo album. She likes the theater, photography, long-distance running, making collages, scrapbooks, coloring books for adults, and graphic novels.

The more we dated, the more we realized how different our hobbies were. In fact, we only really had three common interests: travel, dogs, and graphic novels.

It’s brilliant.

No Common Interests = A Good Thing™

There are a bunch of obvious benefits of having separate hobbies.

1. You never have to worry about finding time for your hobbies.

I see this all the time with couples that are joined at the hip, where he’ll stop playing games or she’ll give up yoga because their partner isn’t interested in doing it with them. Fuck that! If your partner wants to go running and you don’t, that’s great: you can park your ass on the couch and read comic books til she gets back.

In fact, there are evenings where my girlfriend and I want to hang out with each other, yet still want to indulge in our pasttimes. These nights are my favorites: she’ll grab the left side of the couch and catch up on her shows, while I sit on the right and play fighting games on my lagless monitor. It’s a marvelous arrangement, and is only possible because of one thing: separate interests.

2. You will broaden your horizons. 

As long as you’re mildly curious, you and your partner will constantly be learning new things from each other.

For instance, before our relationship began, I did almost no volunteer work at all. But my girlfriend works at Down Syndrome center, and I now DJ at all their major events thanks to her influence.

Similarly, my girlfriend knew absolutely nothing about superheroes before me. Nearly a year ago, I explained the X-Men to her, then asked her to name the ones in this picture:

According to her, their names are Angel, Iceman, Cyclops, Phoenix, Upside-down man, and Sick Man. 4/6 ain't bad

Her response? “Angel, Iceman, Cyclops, Phoenix, Upside-down man, and Sick Man.” Pretty funny.

Since then, she’s watched every Marvel movie that’s been released. She can’t wait for Civil War to come out, she bought us The Flash and Wonder Woman couch cushions, and she’s even got a Marvel’s Defenders sweater that she wears around the house.

3. You never run out of things to say.

If you spend all your free time with your partner, what do you talk about? Work? The things you just did together? That must suck.

I find the more time you spend apart, the more things you have to tell each other. Some of the best evenings I’ve spent with my girlfriend were preceded by a few hours where we each did our own thing, then got together for dinner to discuss the events of the day.

4. You will try new things.

As geeks, we often tend to get stuck in our geeky hobbies to the point where we ignore everything else.

How many of us skip work and ignore friends’ phone calls when we get our hands on the latest kickass game *cough* Dark Souls III *cough*?

Having a partner with different interests helps us break out of our geeky comfort zone, and gets us to do things we’d normally never even consider.

For instance, I’m super lazy, and would never rent a bike when I can just take a cab (what am I, some kind of peasant?). But while visiting Chicago, my girlfriend convinced me to rent some bikes and cycle down the boardwalk on our way to the dinosaur museam. The result? I had one of the best bike rides of my life.

In fact, henceforth I’ll gladly rent bikes anytime we’re visiting a new city and the weather’s good.

5. Spending some time apart makes the time together sweeter.

It seems pretty obvious right? When she’s not around, it helps you realize just how groovy things are when you’re together. In fact, there are some weeks where my girlfriend and I barely see each other due to differing work schedules. When that happens, I actually start to miss her, even though I live with her.

On the flipside, it also helps you realize when things aren’t working out: if you’d rather play videogames with your friends every day instead of hang out with your girlfriend, maybe you two shouldn’t be dating.

Shared Interests or Shared Values?

I’ve had a bunch of geeks write me recently about whether or not they should date a woman they don’t share common interests with.

The answer, of course, is hell yes!

Years ago, back when I was just a little blogger, I wrote a post about how shared values are the most important aspect of any relationship. I stand by that post today, especially now that I’m dating and living with someone.

You and your partner don’t need to spend every waking moment together, and don’t need to have common interests, because the shared values are what hold you together. Values like how you treat other people, cats or dogs (or both if you’re FREAKS), monogamy vs polyamory vs any other configuration, what your stance is on having children… these are way more important than common interests.

As long as you and your partner share core values, and simultaneously respect each others’ hobbies and interests, everything will be fine. 

If, however, there isn’t that respect, you’re in for a rough time. I once flirted with a girl at a bar, and told her I played fighting games competitively. She gave me a look of disdain and said “aren’t you a bit old to play videogames?”

I knew instantly she and I were not a match. It wasn’t a problem that she wasn’t a fan of videogames: my current girlfriend doesn’t play any either. What turned me off was the complete lack of respect for what I love, mixed in with a huge well of judgment on top of that.

You don’t have to like my hobbies. I don’t have to like yours. But we have to respect them.


The Flip Side

You ever have that friend who you used to play videogames with all the time? Or some other kind of activity with? Maybe not your best friend, but one of the guys. Then one day, that friend met a woman, was convinced she was The One™, and fell off the face of the earth.

You now see him at parties, and occasionally get together for gaming sessions. But he doesn’t stay out late, he has to be home by 10pm or his girlfriend freaks out.

Those friends are often in unhealthy, unhappy relationships. They form symbiotic bonds, and end up sacrificing their happiness for their partners’, and vice versa. Many of them forgo their hobbies to spend every waking moment with The One™.

But what happens if you and The One™ break up? You’re not just left with an Ex One™, you’re also left with No Friends™.

Don’t be that guy. Life is going to pull you away from your hobbies anyway, either when you move, or your job takes more time, or you start a family and need to spend time raising tiny humans (babies before games, duh).

Make sure you don’t lose sight of the hobbies that are important to you because of your relationship.

Space Invaders

So what am I saying?

I’m saying date someone with different interests. Learn from her hobbies. Respect her interests, and make sure she respects yours. It’s a pretty sweet way to live.

Have you ever dated someone with different interests than yours?

“Hi Rami,

My girlfriend and I broke up last year, I haven’t hooked up with anyone since. Last week I went on a date with a girl I met online, and we ended up going back to her place. But I couldn’t get it up! I’ve never had this problem before, and I don’t know what’s going on. My ex and I never used condoms, and I think I can’t stay hard with a condom. When I pulled the condom out, I started to get nervous, and lost my hard-on.

What do I do?

Wow Timmy, that’s heavy stuff. Thanks for sharing buddy, it’s not easy to talk about erection problems. Let’s deal with the issues one at a time.


“I Hate Condoms”

Personally, I love condoms. They let me have sex with whoever I want whilst protecting me from a bunch of diseases. It’s like having a giant shield for your penis, which still lets you have fun. Pretty strong invention there if you ask me.

But I hear people complain about condoms all the time.

“I can’t feel anything”, or “I lose my erection when I use one”, or “it feels like I’m having sex with a garbage bag.”

The truth is, a condom is never going to feel as good as unprotected sex. That doesn’t mean you should stop using them, of course. You just need to accept that not catching an STD comes with a caveat.

The problem is, as Timmy mentioned above, a lot of guys can’t get it up when the condom comes out. I have a solution, which I’ve used for years, and is so effective it’s even made it into mainstream Hollywood movies.

In case you missed it, here’s the solution:

Masturbate with a condom on.

Seriously. That’s the best way to deal with it.

Most men who have trouble with condoms start to associate the contraceptive itself with a negative experience. You put one on, lose your boner, have a shitty time. Next time around, you remember the previous bad experience, and get nervous because you’re worried you won’t be able to stay hard again. The nervousness increases when she pulls out the condom, and then you’re Mr Droopy instead of Mr Happy all over again.

Pretty soon you’ve got this Pavlovian response where just thinking about a condom makes you softer than Kirby.

To counter this, bring a condom to your favorite past-time: masturbation.

When you’re alone, comfortable, and you know you’re going to have some fun, bust out the condom. Put it on, and do your business. If you do it right, within a few weeks, the condom itself will help trigger an erection, because pulling it out means you’re going to have an orgasm.

You’re welcome Timmy. You’re welcome.

Tricks to Use When You Can’t Get It Up

Here are a couple of other tricks that help, in case the condom isn’t the only reason you’re having trouble.

First off, watch less porn. Seriously, that stuff is eating your brain. Watching lots of porn actually creates changes in your mental chemistry, making you crave an abnormal amount of stimulation. Eventually, you can’t beat off to the same video anymore, and you need a new one.

Guess what? Same applies to whoever you’re hooking up with in real life, except you can’t change the channel to another human being. It’s still the same girl in your bed. So watch less porn, or stop watching it altogether.

Otherwise, you’ll get to the point where nothing gets you off except for tranny midgets fucking each other with dildos shaped like little Irish leprechauns picking their noses.

Second, don’t masturbate on the days leading up to your encounter. When you haven’t gotten any release in a few days, even light physical contact will turn you on. This is especially powerful if you masturbate daily. By denying yourself that urge, your sex drive is going to go nuts.

Third, learn to relax. Easier said than done, I know. There are a couple of methods you can use, like self-hypnosis, or meditation, or yoga. My favorite is deep breathing, which I learned during yoga.

When I start to feel nervous, I take a quick bathroom break, then spend two minutes taking deep breaths. 4 count in, hold for 2, and 4 count out. By the time two minutes are up, I’m relaxed and ready to get back in there.

Fourth, have her help you out. Remember, sex is a co-op game. Direct her towards your penis, and see if she’s got some moves that will wake you up.


Fifth, accept that maybe you’re tired/drunk/nervous, and it’s not going to happen tonight. Maybe you’re tired, or too drunk, or sick, or your head is pounding, or you’re starving and are low on energy, or are under a red sun (hint: only if you’re Kryptonian), or you’re holding in a major #2 and really have to go.

Maybe you’re worried about pleasuring her, and making sure she’s enjoying herself, or you’re worried that your penis isn’t big enough, or that she might not find you attractive without your clothes.

Don’t try to fight it, you’ll only feel worse. Make out with her, maybe go down on her, and tell her you’ll have sex in the morning. Most of us have great morning wood.

It’s a lot of pressure for a mere mortal to handle

We’d like to think that everyone can get it up on command and bone for hours, but they can’t. The only people who can do that are pornstars. Guess what? They do it for a living. Don’t compare yourself to them.

So Timmy, what’s important isn’t being able to get it up or not. It’s how you deal with it when it happens.

You can either let it ruin the experience that you two are sharing, or…

You can relax, let it go, and enjoy the fact that there’s a wonderful woman in your bed who likes you enough to get naked with you. Let your penis take a day off.

The rest of you will still have fun.

“Hi Rami,

I have a major problem. I suck at flirting, teasing and bantering with girls. When it comes to approaching girls, I feel it’s easy for me to run out of things to say, which mainly happens with girls I like. Can you help?


Hey Dan, you have a very common problem. It happens to everyone at some point in their lives, men and women included. Before I learned to make proper conversation, I remember going up to a woman at a bar and having the following terrible interaction:

Me: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Me: I’m Rami.
Her: Stephanie.
Me: That’s a nice name.
Me: So… uh… do you…
Someone else: Let’s do SHOTS!!

And she turned away, and the conversation was done.

Pretty bad, right?

Talking to Strangers is Scary

Dan isn’t suffering from a rare ailment. I get a couple of emails a week from guys telling me the same thing: they run out of things to say. I always ask them one question: when you speak to your friends, do you run out of things to say? When you’re hanging out with your homies, does the conversation sometimes end forever?

Of course not. The conversation always goes somewhere. That’s why you have friends, and you don’t wander the world alone, seeking stronger and stronger opponents to fight like Ryu.

Ryu has no friends

But talking to someone you’re attracted to is a different story. All of a sudden, ordinary stuff you do all the time becomes impossible. “How do I breathe? I think I forgot how to breathe!”

Here’s how you make sure that never happens, and you never run out of things to say.

1. Listen to her

When you speak to a woman, during the conversation, she will give you clues as to what to say next, by mentioning something about herself. Any detail she gives you, no matter how small, is something you can comment on. Once she gives you the clue, you can respond with any number of options.

The key though, is to listen for the clues. In other words, pay attention to the goddamn conversation, instead of trying to think of cool things to say.

Here’s an example:
Me: What do you do? (Translation: I’m searching for a clue)
Her: I’m a lab assistant. (Translation: here’s your clue)
Me: Is that a front for your secret superhero business? (Translation: funny sarcasm)
Her: Yes, I’m Batman. (Translation: here’s another clue)

As you can see in the example above, I listen to what she says, then respond based on information she gives me. All of a sudden, we’re making conversation. The important thing is, I’m present at all times, instead of freaking out in my head.

2. Remember how you talk with your friends

When we’re with friends, we naturally listen and engage in conversation with each other. We also tend to jump from topic to topic, with seemingly no connection between them, so that you start off talking about peanut allergies, and end up debating the merits of Final Fantasy VII vs X, in the space of five minutes.

If you’re having trouble figuring this out, get together with some friends one evening, pull out your phone, hit record, and leave it on the table.

Record 10 minutes of conversation, and notice how you all naturally jump from one topic to the next. Your responses to each other will probably be extremely diverse in tone, going from sarcastic to funny to ordinary to personal.

Now this is the good part: take note of how your friends and you unconsciously jump from topic to topic, because that’s how you naturally converse. Then, consciously memorize one or two of the transitions, and use them in conversation with a woman.

The best part is, you won’t be learning a line, you’ll just be remembering how you talk when you’re not freaking out because there’s a pretty human in front of you.


3. There is no perfect thing to say

When you talk to your friends, one of the reasons you never run out of things to say is because you talk about whatever’s going through your mind at that second.

“Man, I really like pancakes,” you’ll say. And your friend will respond “Yea man, pancakes rock.”

And then you both think about pancakes and how awesome it is you agree about loving them. Boom, what a deep conversation.

With someone you’re attracted to though, you’re constantly worried about saying the perfect line to make her want to have sex with you. We all do, but we shouldn’t.

Instead of worrying about saying the perfect thing, just say what’s on your mind.

Here’s an example of me blurting out some Matrix level “there is no spoon” stuff, when I ran into a cute girl with bright red lipstick:

Me: Your lips are very red.
Her: is that a good thing?
Me: Don’t think of it in terms of bad or good. Think of it more in terms of less red and more red.
Her (smiling): I like that.

We then spent 20 minutes talking about random things, and eventually I got her number. This happened because I blurted out what was on my mind, instead of plotting some crazy line about a stripper ex-girlfriend.

4. “That Reminds Me Of” Cheat

Whenever I draw a blank in conversation, my favorite trick is to grab whatever she says, then go on a tangent by saying “that reminds me of X.”

You can use it at any time, as long as your story is slightly related.

Her: I really love Thai food.
You: That reminds me of the time I was in Thailand, and learned to make curry. But I messed up and made it super spicy, so it was delicious for the first bite, then torture for every bite after.
Her: Haha that’s funny. Yea it’s happened to me too, you have to be really careful when you use chilli in cooking.

The thing is, it doesn’t have to relate specifically to you or a friend of yours. You can use the “reminds me of” trick to relate to anything: TV shows, books, movies, games, whatever.

Her: I got promoted at work this week. 
You: That reminds me of The Big Bang Theory episode where Raj gets featured in a magazine and all his friends hate him. Do your colleagues hate you now that you’re the boss?
Her: Oh god I hope not. 

Ryu and Chun talk

5. Prepare stories ahead of time

When all the tips above fail, and when you’re really stuck, there’s always the backup plan: stories you prepared before leaving your house.

When you’re at home on your couch, comfy as hell, think of all the cool things that happened around you recently. Maybe your cousin gave birth, or you went to an awesome Halloween party with a haunted house, or you tried the greatest burger in the universe at a new restaurant that opened up in your neighborhood.

Make note of three solid stories, and keep them handy. When conversation stalls, bust one out, using the “reminds me of” trick. It may save you in a pinch, especially if you get really nervous and draw a blank.

Space Invaders

Hopefully these tricks will help you never run out of things to say the next time you talk to women. Be sure to try trick #2 at least once: you’ll be surprised by how well you make conversation when you’re not in a pressure situation.

“Hi Rami,

I’m 22 in uni and I have trouble with hot girls. I go out with decent girls, and I really want to step up my game and date 9’s and 10’s. I want to walk into a party and leave with the hottest girl there, like everyone’s dream lol. Do you have any advice?


Heh. What a nice guy. I get at least one email like this per week, from a young buck who wants to date 10’s.

I remember when I hit my mid-20’s, and got started with the dating world. I too wanted to “[email protected] t3h hott1e$”. My goal was to only date 10’s, and I was going to practice meeting women until I could pick up any hottie I wanted.

Five years and a whole lot of dating later, I realize something profound: that scale from 1 to 10, which I believed in for a long time, was a lie.


What’s her number?

“Dude, look at that chick over there,” Fred says. “She’s so hot. A perfect 10.”

“Um, not for me,” Tony replies. “She’s too tall/fat/thin/brunette. I only date girls that are shorter/thinner/curvier/blonder than her.”

This simple conversation occurs countless times with guys, every single day. We evaluate our potential mates on an imaginary scale, and debate the pros and cons with friends.

Sorry ladies, it’s true. Face, ass, boobs, legs, hair, leg-hair, these are all compared, like stats on a baseball card. It’s similar to that time you and your girlfriends thought the bartender was tall, handsome and dumb as a microwave dinner, except we don’t care about brains. Protip: zombies care about brains.

The problem is, we’re all comparing women on different scales. If our 1 to 10 scale were really universal, if we all agreed on beauty as a specific parameter that was easily quantifiable, conversations like this wouldn’t occur. These debates happens constantly specifically because our scales never match.


It seems that no matter how physically perfect a woman is to one man, she’s got some kind of major flaw in the eyes of another.

I once asked 3 friends to agree on one actress that they thought was a perfect 10. Names like Scarlet Johansson, Jessica Alba, Olivia Wilde and Emma Watson were thrown around. Hours went by.

No one could agree on one woman.

And that’s a good thing. It means for every different body type, face, sense of humor, and personality out there, there’s going to be someone else that’s into it.

For instance, you think fat women are repulsive? I’ve got a million porn searches for BBW that will prove you wrong.

Women over 50 not your bag? Gilf is part of the urban dictionary for a reason.

So, the scale from 1 to 10 that rates a woman’s hotness is just bullshit. Time to move on from it.

How do I date hotties then?

Well, if the hotness scale doesn’t exist, then what does exist?

What’s real is how attracted you are to a woman.

If she’s a 6 on someone else’s scale, but a 10 on yours, does it really matter what someone else thinks? Nope. It reminds me of a conversation between the two main characters in Shallow Hal:

Hal: Okay, who do you think is the most beautiful woman in the world?
Mauricio: Wonder Woman.
Hal: Okay… let’s say everyone else in the world thought Wonder Woman was ugly.
Mauricio: It wouldn’t matter. Because I know they’d be wrong.

To my reader James, you need to follow Mauricio’s advice.

You must first determine what kind of woman you find intensely attractive. You need to sit down and really think about what you want, physically and emotionally (although the latter is harder to spot before you start talking).


Be honest with yourself too. If you like a particular ethnicity, or a larger woman, then she’s your 10, and there’s no shame in that.

Create your own scale. To be happy, aim for 8 and above on that scale. Don’t settle for less, and don’t let anyone else tell you what’s hot.

Once that’s done, the answer to getting her is simple.

You go up and say hi! And you follow these instructions for what to say when you approach a woman.

If you’re not ending up with the type of woman you find really attractive, it’s probably because you’re not talking to them.

What You Need To Do

If you’re in a public place, and you see someone who catches your eye, chances are you’re never going to talk to her. It’s ok, I get you: it’s not easy.

I’m going to bet bad self-talk is sabotaging you there.

“She’s gorgeous, she’s out of my league, she probably gets hit on all the time” will run through your head, and discourage you from going up to her.

You need to stop that train of thought. Here’s what I want you to do instead:

First, stop going for women you don’t find attractive.

I have a feeling you’re going for women you’re not really interested in, because you feel less intimidated, and they’re easier to talk to. That’s sad.

Not only are you disappointed with the results of your work, you’re also depriving these women from meeting someone who’s actually into them. There are definitely men out there who think they’re stunning, and will probably enjoy conversing with them way more than you do.

Sure, it feels like an easy victory for you, and validates your ego because you’ll get her number. Unfortunately, it’s not really a win if you’re not into her. You end up dissatisfied, and she ends up hurt.

Second, and this is the most important piece of advice in this post, start talking to women who scare the shit out of you.

Women who intimidate you, and make you nervous. Whom you find so attractive, that the mere thought of walking up to her and talking is making you break out in a cold sweat. You need to talk to her, because she’s who you really want to get with. She’s the one that intimidates and excites you. And chances are, she’s a lovely person.

Here’s a funny secret that might help you out: her beauty is all in your head! 

As mentioned earlier, beauty is subjective. The hottest woman in the room to you, might be just another average looking woman to another man in the same room.

Even worse, the media has been feeding her images of perfect actresses since she was a child. Thanks to TV and Cosmo’s horrible standards of beauty, she probably thinks she’s somewhere between average-looking and downright ugly. Protip: the media sucks.

This means the woman you think is a perfect goddess? On someone else’s scale, she’s a 7, and on her own scale, she might be a 5.

So go talk to her. You might fail, and that’s ok, because you’ll be failing with someone you’re interested in. It’ll give you practice managing your nervousness, and eventually you’ll succeed with someone you’re really into.

Then you’ll definitely start walking out with the hottest girl in the room. Well, the hottest girl to you anyway. And isn’t that what matters?

malemindLately, I’ve been receiving lots of emails from female readers asking me why men do the things we do.

I get all kinds of questions, from general ones like “how do I know what he’s thinking?” to more specific dating ones like “why isn’t he calling me back?”

I answer these questions and a few more, in a guest post for my friend Suzie’s blog. Head on over to SingleDatingDiva to read them!


Dating is full of obstacles. Even the best of us have to struggle with them at some point. In my experience, geeks tend to be good at the struggle, because they’re used to encountering obstacles and overcoming them. It comes with the territory when you play hard videogames.

It’s why I believe geeks are so well equipped to overcome obstacles that revolve around dating. You’ve done it thousands of times while playing games, it’s simply a matter of reapplying those skills to the real world.

Sometimes though, I hit an obstacle that requires some really thick elbow grease. Maybe even seems insurmountable. When that happens, I have one childhood memory that I fall back on, one that proved to me beyond all doubt that I have what it takes to win.

It’s my reference point whenever I have a problem I need to tackle, be it approaching another woman after getting rejected really harshly, or figuring out what to text someone new.

It all began with Zelda II: The Adventure of Link.

The Adventure of Link Rami

Over 20 years ago, I played Zelda II as a child, and had a blast… yet I still vividly remember one part of the game that had me pulling my hair out.

Two weeks into the game, after fighting my way through awesome baddies and genius puzzle after puzzle, I entered a village: the Town of Saria. Protip: recognize the name?

It was wonderful… until I was confronted with this piece of shit.


It was a river that I couldn’t jump across, aka The Gap From Hell™. Even with a running start, it was impossible. This is every platformer’s nightmare.

“But… Nintendo make good games,” I thought. “There must be a proper solution.”

I couldn’t find it. The guy in the green hut by the river said only townsfolk could cross the bridge. I spoke to all the townsfolk, and none of them could help me. I tried exploring nearby villages. I tried different magic spells. I tried going into every house and pressing every button. I tried smearing peanut butter and banana on my chest and invoking a blood ritual to the almighty chicken god to give me a clue.

Nothing worked.

Frustrated to tears, covered in delicious peanut butter and banana, I asked around, hoping one of my friends could help me. Remember, this was back in 1991, before the Internet, and I didn’t have a subscription to Nintendo Power to help me out.

No results.

At this point, most people would’ve quit. To be fair, I almost did.

Then I had another thought: what if I missed something along the way?

Go Everywhere

I woke up the next day, and thought about the problem. If I missed something, then the best way to find it was to backtrack.

Only one solution then: I was going to beat the game by taking it apart, piece by piece.

That meant going through the entire world map, and exploring every single space on there, from beginning to end, until I found a solution.

In case you’re wondering how big that is, here’s the scope of what I was attempting:


Yep, it’s fucking gigantic. But that didn’t stop me.

I kept a notebook with sketches of every area I went to, and placed an X on every square of the map I visited.


It took days of walking, stopping, fighting random enemies, forgetting to mark an area, backtracking, and what we geeks now know as grinding.

On the 3rd day, like some kind of tired geeky Jesus, I rose from my peanut butter and banana induced sadness and stumbled upon a secret village, one unmarked on the map. Here’s where it was located.


I walked in, and there was a guy who said:


And just like that, the river man in the green hut built me a bridge and let me cross the gap.


I did it! All it took was hard work, patience, and the perseverance that only children and people with OCD can muster.

From that point on, and for the rest of my life, anytime I encountered an obstacle that seemed hard to overcome, I referred back to my childhood Zelda II adventure.

What does this have to do with ladies?

For me, there were two things that made meeting women extremely hard: fear of talking to them, and the constant rejection.

You have to talk to a lot of girls, especially at first, in order to practice being social. Knowing what to say, your body language, and all the other good stuff you learn on here, all comes with practice and experience. It ain’t easy.

You also have to get rejected a lot. It comes with the territory. If you’re not getting rejected, you’re not really going after the right kind of girl, or pushing your boundaries. But rejection sucks.

So when I started doing this, the way to power through these two problems was to follow a strict regimen: go out 4 nights a week, for 6 weeks, and talk to 10 groups of women per night. If you do the math, that’s 600 women in 6 weeks.

How the hell was I going to do that?

I knew how. I was going to use that same perseverance that I learned while wandering the Zelda II overworld and drawing a map.

And you can too. Everytime you hit an obstacle with women, remember the hardest game you’ve ever beaten, and realize it was probably harder than what you’re currently facing.

I mean seriously, if you can take down One Reborn from Bloodborne, Ridley from Metroid Prime, or the final boss from Ninja Gaiden, then you can talk to a couple of girls and get a number.

You’re a geek. Dating is a game. You do the math.

Follow These Simple Tips to Be #foreveralone and never get with Women

Accept that you suck with women. Surround yourself with people who also suck with women. Stay home and play games with them, all day every day. Don’t get out of the house. Agree with all your friends who say “dating sucks”. Don’t date. And don’t talk to women.


Show up empty-handed. Don’t talk to anyone. Be really anti-social. Stand in the corner with a drink. When no one talks to you, pretend you’re waiting for someone.Get obnoxiously drunk. Pull out your phone. Pretend to text someone important. Play Amazing Brick instead. Don’t talk to women.



Go to clubs because you want to “pick up the bitches”. Go with 4 guy friends who all want to “pick up the bitches”. Get 4 overpriced bottles of booze. Stand around your table huddled amongst each other, with a glass of booze in your hand. Offer drinks to girls around you. Watch them drink your alcohol. Watch them bring their friends over to drink your alcohol. Watch them bring their boyfriends over to drink your alcohol.

Run out of alcohol. Run out of women too. Believe your waitress when she says cristal will bring them back. Buy cristal. Drink it like a sad man with your friends. Give the waitress a huge tip in the hopes that she goes home with you. She doesn’t. Go home alone to your hand. Watch some porn while drunkenly crying salty tears. Use your own tears as lube to masturbate. Fall asleep in a sad, wet mess. Oh, and don’t talk to women.


Go out with a wingman so you can “pick up bitches” together. Make fun of him whenever he talks to a woman. Tell him how desperate he is. Tell him he looks like shit. Make him feel bad for wearing a fedora. When a girl’s into him, talk to her and imply he has herpes. If she sticks around, be overt about it. If that doesn’t work, tell her he has bedbugs. Do whatever it takes to get her to fuck off. Then make fun of him for not being able to get a girl. By the way, don’t talk to women.



Kiss a lot of ass at the office. Make sure you get on your boss’s good side by blaming everything on your female coworker. Women are weak after all, your boss will believe you. Then hit on your female coworker very inappropriately. Grab her ass as she walks by. Send her some sex talk over text. Tell her you want to eat her ass in an email. Don’t worry when she says she’ll report you to HR.

Get reported to HR. Deny everything. Try to paint her as a liar. Try to get her fired. Be sad as she shows your email to HR. Shit. Get off with a warning. Stop talking to her. Ignore her when she goes by. Still look at her ass though. This is what happens when you’re nice to women. Don’t talk to women.


Online Dating

Fill your profile with typos. Put lol and smilies at the end of every sentence. Upload 5 pics of you with your dog. Talk about how much you hate bitches with a bad attitude in your profile. Send every woman the message “hey”. Then when they don’t respond, send them all the same message “your a bitch anyway”. Then when they don’t respond, send them all the same message “jk lol, wanna hang out on Friday.”


Switch it up. Send dick pics instead. Say “I got a big dick, wanna see.” Then send it regardless of what they answer. Send another dick pic with a photoshopped can of shaving cream next to your penis. Then when they don’t respond, send them the message “wtf you a lesbian or something.”

Remember, don’t talk to women (in real life).


Fall in love with your best friend since childhood. Do whatever she asks you to do. Tell her you love her. Get rejected. Go home and cry. Watch Ross and Rachel get together in Friends. Hatch a romantic plot to get her to love you. Go to her house with flowers. Throw rocks at her window. Break her window because you threw a rock too hard. Get your ass kicked by her boyfriend. What an asshole.

Pine over her. Get stalker creepy. Watch When Harry Met Sally. Convince yourself you’re going to be Harry and will get the girl in the end. Beg her to be friends again. Help her move. Let her cry on your shoulder when her boyfriend dumps her. Cuddle her til she falls asleep. Tuck your boner away. Remind yourself it’s for the greater good of love. Hang out with her every day until she’s over him. Make a 5-course meal for her that costs you lots of money. Cry again as she ditches your 5-course meal for a bootie call with him. Eat soufflé alone. It is delicious.

TV, not real life man

TV, not real life man

Watch Big Bang Theory. Pretend you’re Leonard and you finally get with Penny. Get online and search for Penny lookalikes in porn. Cry and masturbate yourself to these Penny lookalikes. Use real lube this time.

Oh, and whatever you do, most certainly for realsies 100% do not talk to women.


A few months back, I was at a bar with some friends, and we were talking about girls.

One of the guys, an acquaintance, started ranting about how easy women had it. How come men have to hold doors? How come men are expected to buy women drinks? And so on.

He was really bitter about it. He kept ranting on and on about how unfair it was, how women were privileged and spoiled, and nagged at my ear until I couldn’t take it anymore.

I was annoyed to the point of excusing myself and going home, because this guy was too far gone into his rant and booze to make it worth it for me to interact with him. When I got home, I wondered at my strong response, and sat down to think about why I was affected so much by this idiot’s babbling.

I was surprised to discover something I didn’t like: he reminded me of myself, many years ago.


A Long Time Ago In My 20’s Far, Far Away

When I was in my early 20’s, dateless and going through life alone, I also felt bitter and resentful towards women. I got rejected a lot, I was lonely, and this frustration came out in the form of “women are all bitches, and only date losers.”

I played more and more videogames, and interacted less and less with women, in order to distance myself from the pain. After all, I thought, women aren’t going to date me anyway, so why should I even bother? I’ll just play games with my friends.

It was around this period that I started to play really competitive Tekken. I played every day, watched match videos, practiced combos, and attended tournaments. I strove to be the best, and constantly improved my game. I got better and better until one day, I realized I was winning all the tournaments in Canada.

All it takes to be good at fighting games, I discovered, is hard work, practice, and having fun along the way.

One day, after a fun session with some friends, one of the players who was constantly losing started to complain about the game. He was ranting about certain characters’ power level, and stages being uneven and random, and how certain moves shouldn’t be doing what they were doing, and how the game needed a patch because it sucked.

I came down hard on him then.

“You need to shut the fuck up and calm down man,” I said. “Nothing you’re saying matters, and you’re spreading negativity.”

He looked at me in shock.

“How is this ranting making a difference?” I continued. “The game isn’t going to change because you’re bitching. You’re not going to win more. You’re going to get mad for nothing, and on top of it all, you’re going to keep losing. You wanna win? Stop being a baby and practice. Don’t disrespect the time and effort we all put into this by saying you’d win more if the game were better.”

And then it hit me. What right did I have to judge him, when I was doing the exact same thing when it came to women?


Are you saying dating is… a game?

The very next day, I took a long, hard look at myself, and how I’d been feeling about women up until this point.

My friend was mad at my favorite videogame Tekken, and he never got better. He kept sucking at it and ranting at it, until he quit.

In parallel, I was mad at the dating game. I never got better either. I ranted at it, and got very bitter, and then I quit. Years had gone by since then, and I was still crap at dating, and single, and alone.

My ranting had gotten me nothing. I was still a n00b.

That was a major turning point for me in terms of my success with women. I had finally recognized that the problem wasn’t with the game, or with women, it was with me.

Bill Murray

I’m going to give you a piece of advice right now that is core to my beliefs when it comes to dating: being angry at women isn’t going to get you shit.

There’s a whole movement out there of men who are angry and bitter with women. It’s filled with literature about women’s privilege, and red pill men, and other silly shit that I don’t care about.

The problem with this type of thinking is it’s not making a difference in your life.

This anger isn’t giving you more success with women. Lashing out and call them “whores” and “bitches” isn’t getting you a date. Writing your angry posts online about the injustices of the world definitely is not helping you put your P in a V.

Use Your Geek Powers For Good

I’ve always said that geeks have all the skills it takes to get good with girls. I even wrote a post about the secret link between fighting games and meeting women.

When you play fighting games, the moment you lose your cool, the moment you get mad, is the moment you lose.

It’s the same with most things in life, including meeting women.

You lose, because getting mad is the sign that you’ve given up. It means you’d rather be angry and bitter, rather than try to figure out where you’re going wrong. It means you’d rather wallow in this crappy feeling, rather than look for a way to win.

And that’s just sad.

Here’s a thought: instead of getting mad? Be a boss, and learn the rules of the game.

Level up and win it. I mean, if you’re even a little bit of a gamer, you’ve definitely given thousands of hours of your life to improving at whatever games you’re into.

Dating is no different. It takes practice, and if you start now, you’ll be good before you know it.


And those people ranting about how unfair everything is?

Let them rant. They’ll still be the losers at the bar, afraid to talk to a girl, while you get out there and meet a woman who makes you happy.

Hey Rami,

There’s this girl I like. She’s got a boyfriend and he sucks, and she likes me a lot. But she also thinks I’m a player. Like an idiot, I might have just proved her right, because I got quite drunk at a party we were both at, and hooked up with another girl at that party. She then got mad at me for hooking up with someone else, even though we’re not dating.

I’m a bit confused. What do I do?



Dude, thank you so much for the question. I turned it into a blog post, because I know a lot of geeks end up in a similar situation. The discussion we have could end up helping many of them out.

She has a boyfriend

Let’s start with the basics: this girl has a boyfriend.

In case you missed it, she’s not dating you: she’s dating someone else.

As a ground rule, if a woman is seeing someone else, you don’t owe her anything. Any judgment she casts on you doesn’t matter, because you’re not her boyfriend.

She doesn’t have the right to stake her claim on you, or prevent you from hooking up with anyone else.

As is, you know what you are to her? Her backup plan.


Sure, things may not be going well with her boyfriend, but what are you supposed to do? Sit around holding your balls hoping she’ll dump him for you? Please, you’re worth more than that.

I know you’ve been reading my blog for a while. This means you’re interested in self-improvement, which is a big deal in this modern world of watching TV and doing nothing after work. You’re working hard on yourself, and becoming a better man. You’ve got a lot to offer.

Plus you’re a geek, and that makes you rad.

The only thing is, you’re probably falling into the nice guy trap, where you cringe when a woman gives you the stinkeye or says something mean to you, even when she’s wrong.

Who’s the real bad guy?

The problem with this type of girl is that she’s not an overtly bad person. She hasn’t cheated on her boyfriend with Winfred. No secret kisses, or behind the back love affairs going on.

Thus it’s easy to think she’s a good girl in a crappy relationship, and her boyfriend is a bad person. That’s why Winfred said, and I quote, “she’s got a boyfriend and he sucks.”

But you don’t know that for sure, do you? If he sucks so much, why hasn’t she left him yet? Curiouser and curiouser.

It doesn’t matter what she tells Winfred, how much she loves spending time with him, and how great hanging out with him is. These are all merely words.

Her actions reveal the sad truth about her. She wants the affection Winfred is offering, without giving him any commitment. She’s also cheating emotionally on the man she’s dating.

This is a perfect situation of someone trying to have her cake and eat it too. She’s got her boyfriend for sex and dinners and whatever. She’s got Winfred when her boyfriend doesn’t treat her well.

You know what Winfred has?



He gets empty promises. He can’t hold her, kiss her, have sex with her, or get emotional support from her.

All he gets from her is the jealous treatment if he goes for another girl. So, in fact, I was wrong. He does have something: a jealous woman who doesn’t want him to hook up with other people, but doesn’t want to commit to him either.

Isn’t that wonderful?

What you need to do

Alright Winfred, back to you my friend. You asked me what you should do, and I will give you an answer.

You need to cut her out of your life, for a few reasons.

First off, if you’re hanging out, and you like her, you’re not going to be meeting anyone else. That’s a problem, because you’ll be pining after someone you can’t have, and might miss out on another wonderful girl that’s into you (and doesn’t have a boyfriend, which immediately makes her better than this one).

Second, if she hasn’t had the balls to leave her man for you yet, it ain’t gonna happen. And if she does, and you end up dating, will you trust her knowing that she left her previous boyfriend for you? Or will you constantly be worried that when things get rocky, she may leave you for the next Mr Nice Guy with a shoulder to cry on?

So, end it.

Look her in the eyes, and say this:

‘I’m not your boyfriend. You already have a boyfriend. I’m not waiting around for you to decide that maybe you’re going to break up with him for me. I’m worth more than that, and I deserve better than to be your backup plan. If you were single, and over him, we would be talking about getting together. But I will not be your “just in case”.’

Then move on with your life. And for the love of baby Mario, stop falling for girls that have boyfriends.

If you want to become more confident with women, and find a lasting relationship, enroll in my Level Up Your Dating course.