How To Avoid Drama

There isn’t much drama with my group of friends. Or maybe there is, but I don’t pay much attention to it.

Ok wait. Let’s try again.

There isn’t much drama in my life, and I somehow seem to avoid dealing with drama when it comes to my friends. People just assume I’m centered, calm, and happy-go-lucky all the time.

That isn’t the whole truth: I’m all of those things, because I willfully choose to be. I do it by following a few simple rules that keep me happy, and most of the people around me happy as well.

And it all starts with one simple thing: honesty.

Be Honest With Your Friends

Here’s the thing with friends: we tend to treat each other worse than we treat strangers. I think it’s because we tend to hold our friends to a higher standard, and judge them more as people. Perhaps this happens because we care, and we want to make them better?

I’m not sure.

The main problem I’ve noticed with friendship is that we tend to assume they know things about us that are important.

When you’re with a stranger that doesn’t know you, if they cross a line, you say so. When you’re with a friend, and they cross a line, there’s a tendency to hold it in and not tell them it pissed you off.

“He should know I hate it when he does X,” you think.

What if he doesn’t?

Don’t you think it’s odd that you’re willing to cut the stranger some slack, and be ok with their opinion about something, but you give your friend shit for the same opinion?

It’s like saying “because we’ve known each other for so long, he should be able to read my mind.”

In my opinion, that is the biggest source of drama you’ll ever have. The solution, dear geek, is simple.

Speak your mind honestly.

When a friend of yours crosses a line, don’t get passive aggressive, and lash out later. Don’t hold a grudge, and be mad inside.

No one cares if you’re mad inside: they only care if you’re mad outside.

When a friend crosses a line, you say so. In this way, they’ll never have to worry about pissing you off, and vice versa.

My friends and I are ridiculously honest with each other. It’s why we rarely have fights, and when we do, we patch it up fast. It’s hard to stay mad at someone when you tell them where they went wrong, and they apologize for it.

Be Honest With Your Lovers

I’m also a big fan of honesty with my lover(s). I would never lead a woman on, and allow her to think we’re going to have a relationship when we’re not.

I prefer to be very clear up front, and tell her whether or not I want to be lovers, friends, fuckbuddies, or in a serious relationship. This leads me to the second important thing about honesty.

When I’m honest, I’m not responsible for how other people feel.

When I’m hooking up with someone, and I’m very clear about it being a casual thing, I am not responsible for her developing feelings for me. I express myself very clearly on a regular basis, and I expect her to do the same.

If after 2 months of hooking up, she says “Rami, I have feelings for you.”, I accept that. I understand where she’s coming from, and I make a decision with her on whether or not we go forwards. It’s not a bad thing for her to fall for me or vice versa, even if we agreed not to. We’re human after all.

I’m not a mind reader though. If she says nothing, then I assume all is well, and we’re still casual.

“But Rami,” you ask. “What if she doesn’t tell you?”

Well then, it’s not my problem, is it? My job is not to guess what other people want or need, and try to solve it. My job is to express myself authentically and honestly, and treat other people as if they were doing the same.

Life’s too short to spend second-guessing other people’s motives, and trying to find subtext in what they’re saying.

If I were to spend every waking moment trying to discern the hidden meaning behind what people are saying vs what they’re doing, I’d occasionally be right, and pre-empt problems. But more often than not, I’d be finding problems where there are none, creating drama in my head, and making a general mess of things.

Your job isn’t to make other people feel better: your job is to be honest and transparent about your feelings, and let the cards fall where they may.

The problem is, not everyone expresses themselves openly and honestly. You can’t help that.

What you can do is create a safe space for your friends/lovers to be able to express themselves. Hopefully that’ll encourage them to say what’s on their mind.

If it doesn’t, and they still get upset at you for not reading their minds, well… maybe you shouldn’t hang out with them anymore.

Be Honest With Your Partner

Honesty is never more important than when you’re in a relationship because often, you and your partner aren’t feeling the same about something.

Maybe you’re unhappy with her making dinner plans with her parents without consulting you, and saying you’ll come along. Maybe you don’t like the scent of her new moisturizer. Maybe you’re feeling bad about something that doesn’t involve her at all, but it’s coming out in other ways that are affecting her.

Whatever it is, you need to express those feelings to her.

If you don’t, you’re going to end up feeling like shit inside, and it’s going to affect your relationship negatively in unforseen ways.

The thing is, as men, we’re trained not to show emotion. We’re supposed to be robots that are always in control, and strong, and dependable. Holy baby Mario though, that’s impossible. We’re not just men and geeks: we’re human too. It’s unfair of us to put so much pressure on ourselves emotionally.

If you haven’t been expressing your emotions all your life, it’s difficult to start.

Here’s where I suggest you begin: tell her how hard it is for you to express your feelings.

“Lady, it’s really hard for me to say this. I’m not used to talking about my feelings, but I’m in pain inside and I need to let it out.”

Then move on to the thing that’s bothering you.

“The thing is, I feel like when you make plans for us without consulting me, you take it for granted that I’ll be there, even if I have plans. And when I tell you I have plans already, I feel like you get bummed out, which makes me feel like I’m not allowed to have plans.”

See? Not so bad, right? Also notice how I used the “I feel” hack from a few weeks ago.

I’m going to stop here, because this topic is inexhaustible. I’ll probably come back to it in a few weeks, as more events unfold in my life.

If there’s only one thing you remember from this article, I want it to be this: drama is a plague, and honesty is a cure.

Go out there and be honest, geek. You won’t regret it.