We’re having a coffee downtown. I’m trying to keep a straight face while we talk. Things are not going well.

“So what do you do for a living?” I ask.

“Well, I used to work as a receptionist at a spa,” she replies. “I don’t do that anymore. I’m looking for a job now.”

Oh man that sucks. It’s hard to find a job in this economy.

“I guess you’ve got lots of free time,” I say. Let’s dig a little deeper. “Maybe to pursue your interests? What do you do for fun?”

“You know… I like Facebook chat.”

Aaaaaand we’re done here. After an excruciating conversation, I was willing to say this date was a failure, about 30 minutes after it started. Why?

Because I had finally met a woman that was too dumb for my penis.

smart is sexy but Nina is dumb

When Dumb People Look Good

After I became single in 2010, I decided I was only going to date hot women for a while. My criteria: she had to be physically gorgeous (keeping in mind, of course, that we all find different things gorgeous).

That was it. Sexy body, sexy face, and I was going to be a happy man. It made sense at the time: if I was going to work hard to hone my social skills, why not go for the epitome of physical beauty?

Also, I didn’t want anything more than casual sex and fun times, thus there was no need to bother with anything more than what she looked like.

When I decided I wanted a girlfriend though? Everything changed.

I’ve been on a couple of dates recently, and I am really impressed by how much I care about her intelligence, and how much dumb girls turn me off. That conversation you read a few seconds ago? That was a real quote. Her hobbies include, amongst other things, Facebook chat.

I’m going to say that again.


You can’t see my face right now, but there’s a huge bulging vein in my forehead that’s coming to life, as I seethe with rage thinking about her comment. When she said the words, I had to hold myself back, so as not to scream “FACEBOOK CHAT IS NOT A HOBBY!” right in her face.

Saying it’s a hobby is like saying drinking water is a hobby.

Sigh. When did I become less shallow?

smart is sexy but Julia is not

She Needs To Touch My Mind Penis

I was in a hypnotherapy session a while back, and I discovered something startling about myself: I don’t equate physical looks with beauty.

It sounds farfetched, I know. I couldn’t believe it either. It came about during a value elicitation, where my hypnotherapist was making a list of what was important to me in a woman.

We discovered during the questioning that I found a woman beautiful only when her personality was beautiful. I would describe women that were only physically attractive as “hot”, and women that I found emotionally and physically attractive as “beautiful”. 

Girl at the club? Hot.

All of my ex-girlfriends? Beautiful.

I checked in with my friends, and discovered that most of them felt the same way. One of them summed it up as follows:

Physical beauty is the first criteria you use to determine your initial attraction. How she acts afterwards will seal the deal.

So, although as a man you screen for attraction through looks, her actions and personality will determine your interest down the line.

I’m Not A Saint

Now don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying if she looks like a beetle but has the personality of an angel, I’m in. That’s wrong. Ideally, she’d be a great mix of both. But a woman who’s born with a great nose isn’t necessarily attractive.

In fact, while at a salsa class Monday night, my friend Sam asked me what my type of girl was.

“Dude, I’ve seen you date all kinds of girls before. Blone, brunette, slim or really curvy. But you never told me what your type was?”

“My type?” I replied. “I don’t have a “type” physically. Sure, I have a slight preference for curves, and a bit of a boob fetish. But the truth is, my type is two things. First, smart is sexy. So she has to be smart. Ideally, as smart as I am, or smarter, although I can settle for a bit less smart too. No dumb girls whose only interests include Facebook chat.”

We both laughed at that one.

“Second, I like a girl who cares about herself enough to want to look good. She doesn’t have to be perfect, because I’m not, but I hit the gym 4-5 days a week, and eat pretty healthy to stay in shape. It’s a mindset. If she eats healthy, exercises a bit, and takes care of her body, that works for me. It means that as we get older, and it becomes more important to stay healthy, she’ll be ready to put the effort in.”

Smart is Sexy

As I’m realizing more and more, if she can tickle my brain in the right way, she can tickle other parts of me too. Girls that can’t carry a conversation, or can’t keep up with my silly sense of humor, can’t keep me interested.

And before you confuse me with some education elitist, when I say smart, I don’t mean she has to have a postdoc. Smart, to me, is not necessarily about memorizing lots of data. It encompasses the ability to listen, to learn, to be part of a conversation, and most important of all, to be curious.

The bonus of a smart and curious girl: in my experience, they’re willing to experiment in the bedroom. If she’s into the kinky stuff I like in bed, and a total freak between the sheets, physical appearance gets shoved into the back seat to make way for her latest fun fantasy.

I’d rather have a girl next door who’s into that weird thing I like with the Pepto Bismol and llama, than Angelina Jolie’s lookalike who only does it missionary and lays there like a starfish.

Truth be told, the sexiest thing about a girl really is her mind.

That’s where she keeps her dirtiest fantasies.

Smart is sexy but poison is a man

8 comments add your comment

  1. Thank you for writing about the type of girl I am: Smart and Sexy! 😉 I also like the part about the mind penis. I have one of those too… or would that be a mind vagina? Whatever it is, it’s got to get gotten to. My husband is lucky he’s so smart 😉

    • hahaha of course Sandy, I always write these with you in mind as my ideal woman: smart, sexy, owns a dog, and has a Pez collection that’s out of this world.

      I should write something about everyone’s Mind Penis and Mind Vagina.

    • Haha so do i. i can’t date a guy that isn’t smart. Major turn off!! like vomit proportions.
      Stupid guys asking you if you can grind on the first date

  2. Absolutely, no question. Smart is sexy, and there has been plenty written about the role the brain plays out in the bedroom.

    And for all of the ladies out there who try to dumb yourself down for a partner? Stop.

  3. Great blog ! I got hooked after my friend Dan G. showed me your site ! Great insight and interesting to read ! I’m going to forward this blog in particular to a good guy friend who sounds a lot like you .

  4. I tend to view smart as subjective. To me, having an opinion and an open mind is the closest definition to intelligence that i’ve found.

    Most people have one but not the other. The people with an opinion tend to view themselves as brilliant but they usually miss the forest for the trees. The open minded tend to think like the majority. Whatever is pc etc.

    However if you wanna find someone smart, they’ll be the person you want to murder and hate most. They’ll disagree with you, challenge you, and make you hate yourself. You then have to ask, can you really handle that?

    The truth is, every girl i’ve met thinks she’s brilliant. Guys are guilty of this too. In reality though It’s the ones that think they are dumb that are brilliant. Because they see their mistakes, they constantly analyze and generally drive themselves crazy.

    So a smart person, is usually the crazy introvert in the room.

    But ill tell you what you people want. Someone who is witty and makes you feel witty. Social intelligence. Most of them are sociopaths…but you’ll all be very happy until your stabbed 5 times on your honeymoon.

    The other group of people just want someone who looks smart. Maybe they wear glasses and a nice shirt or drive a hybrid. They probably have photos of themselves with their guitar, and have a “nobody gets me” attitude. Or he or she is a self proclaimed “grammar nazi” and thinks that anyone who doesn’t use middle english in conversation is “dysigne.”

    My point in writing this is that you people are shallow and don’t know what you really want.

    Good day

  5. Wow, so, I had this random epiphany the other day from the old comment necromancy that I hadn’t talked to too much of anyone in a Hell of a long time, so I thought I would say hi here, as a good place as any.

    As for the topic at hand, it seems you’ll get a bit of lashing back now and again. Perhaps Tumblr is running out of space to hold social justice zealots?

    Though, in all seriousness, it’s full in anyone’s right to have an opinion, just as you have yours. The unfortunate part is that a lot of people lack tact, and resort to yelling loudly to get their opinion heard as more important. Kinda what I see there.

    But, if I were to stay true to my manner of speaking, I would think someone would put more effort into being a “Grammar Nazi” if it is a stated point of intelligence and you were trying to make an intelligent, coherent point.

    …then again, if you were at that sort of thing, you’d probably find a manner of discussing as opposed to telling and leaving.

    Regardless, you’ve always wrote good stuff, and nobody needs to tell you that you’re damn true to yourself and your feelings and there isn’t a disrespectful bone in your body. Sides, consent and discretion are sexy, etc, etc.;
    So you know, just keep on writing what you do, and know that it’s helping a lot of people, providing a good read, and some puns to those who can handle it. People who aren’t happy with content are well enough capable of not wasting their time reading what they seem to think is “filth.”

    You know, unless you actually have a secret agenda as a super dubious villain. Then I will just be sad you didn’t tell me sooner.

  6. Okay, so what I was trying to say that being a “Grammar Nazi” is not equivalent to properly laying out ideas and structure when trying to make a solid point. I’m sure you get my idea. AKA having more artillery can’t honestly hurt.


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