What To Say When You Approach A Girl
You’re out somewhere: club, bar, museum, supermarket, mall, doesn’t matter.
You’ve conquered your approach anxiety. You dress well. You feel confident. You’re ready to walk up and talk to her.
You do it. Like a champ.
You introduce yourself. She introduces herself and smiles. Things are going great.
Then you draw a blank. Your mind goes completely empty.
“How could this be happening?” you think. “I used to know lots of words. I told a story once or twice. Why can’t I remember anything right now? Fuck!”
And it’s done. She makes up an excuse, and wanders off to continue whatever she was doing before you interrupted and brain farted. Too bad.
Let’s talk about what to talk about when you approach a girl.
Some Things To Review
I’m going to get right to the point: everybody has a different opinion about what you’re supposed to say to a woman. What I’m going to tell you isn’t the ultimate magical routine that’s going to save the day.
Rather, it’s the options that have worked best for me, as a lazy and often insecure geek.
The stuff you’re not supposed to talk about at first:
- Don’t give her compliments. She hasn’t earned one yet. You can give her a compliment later, if she’s cool. Walking up and saying “you’re the most beautiful blablabla” and she’ll ignore you for objectifying her, and being like all the other idiots out there that approach her ten times a day.
- Don’t mention the weather. Seriously? You’ll get farther along by being silent and staring at her tits.
- Don’t ask close-ended questions. If she can answer with yes or no, it’s bad, unless you have a followup prepared. Example: “you ever been to Rome?” She answers “yes” or “no”. “Because I got back last week, and it was gorgeous…” She is riveted.
The stuff you need to remember:
- Power through your approach anxiety.
- Touch her.
- Tease her (jokingly! Don’t be mean)
Ready to Meet and Attract Your Dream Woman?
How I Open
As mentioned, I’m lazy. I never remember stories or lines, except for the obvious openers to get started. If I can’t bring up something striking about her, the venue, or my day when I approach, then I default to my one super secret, genius, ultimate opening line.
Ready? Here it is:
I walk up to a woman, and lightly do a shoulder touch. When she faces me, I put out my hand and say “hi, I’m Rami.”
We shake hands, and introduce ourselves.
There’s no secret sauce, no ultimate magic, no ninja batman with gadgets up the wazoo. There’s just me and a girl saying hello, and touching hands for a second.
Getting Her Attention
I usually start with something I’m passionate about. I travel quite often, so my conversations often begin with a recent destination, or an upcoming one.
The important thing is, I need to bring value to the table.
There’s a concept in the pickup community known as demonstrating value, wherein you show the people around you that you are not only worthy of them, but having you around leads to a good time. Note: This happens naturally with your friends, because otherwise you wouldn’t be friends with them.
When most guys approach a group of women, they introduce themselves, then immediately launch into questions. “Where are you from?”, “what do you do for a living?”, “how’s your night going?”, etc
In this situation, you’re not giving her any reason to want to talk to you. All you’re doing is asking her questions about herself. You’re not giving value, you’re just taking. Meanwhile, she wants to know about you, to see if you’re interesting enough to talk to. The interview style questions you’re throwing at her won’t provide her with the information she craves.
What you need to do instead: don’t ask her any questions about herself at first, it’s a trap.
Instead, say hello, and begin talking about yourself.
What I Talk About
Ah, the million dollar question. This is where you demonstrate value.
Subjects allowed: anything that makes you look good in a non explicit way.
“I threw a really awesome birthday party last week. All of my friends were there to celebrate with me, and when midnight came around, they brought out a surprise cake and sang the birthday song. I was so touched.”
This story says you’re a great guy, your friends care about you, you have normal emotions, and you have an apartment/house that can accomodate all of your friends.
An explicit version of the same story would be the following:
“I’ve got lots of friends, and I have a big ass house.”
Much less exciting, right?
So, demonstrating value involves saying good things about yourself in a subtle way.
Here are some good qualities you can mention, usually in stories:
-having female friends
-having ex girlfriends
-something you’re passionate about
-a funny event that recently took place
-your friends are badasses that do crazy shit, and you admire it
-anything, really, as long as it’s interesting.
Just remember not to be too on the nose. No one likes a person who brags.
What Happens Next
By saying good things about yourself, you’re pumping your value up, making yourself more interesting, and differentiating yourself from all the other dudes out there.
Instead of being the boring same guy that shows up and starts asking questions, you can be the interesting guy that says hello and talks about his trip to Thailand.
She’ll be sure to chime in, and either ask questions about your life, or give some examples of her own.
All of a sudden, you’re no longer in an interview: you’re having a CONVERSATION.
Just remember, if she can’t relate to your stories, she’s probably not right for you anyway. When I approach a woman and talk to her about travel, if she hasn’t traveled before, or is completely uninterested by the concept, she’s not my type. I’m always flying around.
Remember, this is by no means an exhaustive summary of everything you’re allowed to talk about. It’s just a compilation of some of the most effective things.
Pretty interesting. I think it’s a good summary of what a guy should talk about, but I think you’re missing a big part, which is listening. Instead of going in a ”push” mode where you feed the girl with your values – the ”pull” mode is more smooth and more efficient.
Try to learn what you are looking for in a girl and ask according to that particular thing.
Talking to a girl is not the hardest, but it’s the personnalisation of your conversation that is important.
Don’t sell the burger already wrapped, make one according to her needs.
I’m not saying to ask questions the whole time. I’m only suggesting that processing the data can make a better strategy to approach a girl.
– Anonymous Girl
Hi Pony, that’s a great suggestion. Speaking to the other person’s interests is an obvious choice.
I didn’t mention it because, to be honest, that part is easy. The number of guys that can approach a woman and listen is huge. The problem most of my readers have is they don’t know what to say, and often saying nothing when you first approach is the kiss of death.
I agree with your idea, and I think what you’re suggesting would be best implemented once a geek reaches the mid stages of a conversation.
Thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment!
I really love what pony said.
You have to be a good listener than to be a talkertive when dealing with women in times of conversation.
Interesting article, I think one thing that works well is knowing if she’s approachable, some guys are clueless when it comes to women showing signs. For example, if a girl stares at you and smiles it’s a definite sign she’ll be “receptive”, may not be attracted yet, but at least interest is there this helps weave out who you should approach. I think that step helps before knowing what to say, but your article is so true for when the convo starts.
BUT PONY I AM REALLY HAVING A PROBLEM WITH WHAT SAY WHEN SHE SAYS LET ME THINK AND SHE DIDN,T GIVE YOU ANY ANSWER THE NEXT DAY.
Hey Rami, Do you mind if I pose a scenario using the advice using your article? I would greatly appreciate any constructive criticism
I walk up to a tall beautiful girl
Hello My Name is Cadetpj
Hi My name is ____
So _____ are you an outdoorsy person?
I just came back from this place called Hawk Mountain, it’s this school for my military group. Essentially I spend my Saturdays waking up at 3 AM to do pushups in the mud.
I know I’m kinda selling myself but the reason I’m using this is because I’ve caught people’s attention with this opening, I then would talk about the place and see if she has had any similar experiences (or if not change the subject to something we both like, but end up with her knowing a little something about me)
hey dude, mentioning the military is not super exciting for a girl at a club. Try going with some funny stuff that happened to you at the school, rather than talk about your training.
Like maybe one time, you woke up to do pushups, and one of your buddies at a worm. Or whatever funny stuff happens up there (I don’t know, you’ll think of something).
And remember, the opening is the LEAST important part of the approach. Just start talking, and see where it goes.
Don’t believe me? Open a group with your military line, and then open another one by saying “I like cereal. Raisin bran specifically, because I like the raisins.” I guarantee you’ll get similar results.
Like , I just came back from Jamaica?
Sure, that’s a great way to start a conversation!
How do I know if she is interested or not during the conversion
OK, I have a decent approach (confident, unafraid), always have fun, good conversations, etc. I’m having trouble finding geeky women over 30. Any advice on that topic? I’m 5’7″ (in good shape) so online dating will never happen, and bookstores seem to be teaming with just high school aged girls.
I’ve been reading your blog a bit today and I like your style. I have one objection to this article which is that I’m pretty sure this is exactly the article that all my awful dates have read right before putting on their pants to meet me. I feel like everything they say there’s something else underneath it and I’d rather they just go right
Out and say that they’re the awesomest guy around and there’s no one like them with all their manly pursuits and things that will make me think they have value
I don’t want to know whether they have “value” in like the standard scheme of what people might want
I want to know that they are able to have a back and forth conversation with me and are able to improvise
I also think it’s narrow minded to say that if someone isn’t interested in travel then you don’t want to talk to them anymore
In general when boys start talking a lot to me I’m thinking “how the buck do I get out of this situation?” I look around for my friends or even other people at the bar that I can involve in our “nonversation” and then leave. If a guy starts telling me all about some thing he did at some point it tells me he’s not interested in me and that he’s be just as happy spitting out his manliness to anyone in the room.
I like the conversation a little too much. So much that I don’t seem to ever escalate. I like listening interacting. But after a while they have some sort of imperceptible signal that I’m supposed to pickup on that I just don’t see. In the end we both miss out.
Hi Somegirl, you make some interesting points. Let’s see if I can address them all.
First, the travel example is my own example. If I meet a woman, who I’d like to date, and she’s not interested in travelling, I wouldn’t want to date her. Not because I’m a narrow-minded asshole that judges people by their travel habits, but because I travel a lot for pleasure, and I’d like to date someone who’d be interested in travelling with me.
The people we speak to don’t have to love ALL our interests. I think they do need to share some key ones, for compatibility’s sake.
Second, when I say you need to bring value to the table, I mean it exactly as it sounds. As a man, if you don’t make a girl laugh, or interest her with what you do, or something else to pique her interest, then why would she be interested in you? Going up to a girl and saying “hey, I’m the manliest man in this bar. Let’s go home together” isn’t going to work unless she’s wasted and already into you.
So you talk, and you see if you can find some common ground. I’m not giving this advice from my mind, this is stuff I’ve practiced thousands of times at bars and clubs with thousands of different women. If you can’t keep her interest when you talk, she’s going to walk away.
Third, you get bored when men talk to you a lot. Ok, that’s good news. Tell us what interests you then. Tell us the ideal way for a man to talk to you. Tell us the fantasy that’s in your head, of how you wish a guy would approach you at a bar. I’m sure my readers would love to hear it, and it would be very constructive advice to get from a woman.
Thanks again for replying and reading!
Hi Rami! I would like to know that my interested party is listening for the subtext of what I’m saying and not just the actual words. I would like them to pick me up and drop me, challenging my assumptions about how conversations have to go and making sure that I am always on my toes so that I know that they are interested in having interesting conversations and are not talking to me because they have a particular goal in mind but because they are genuinely enjoying the experience. Their main goal isn’t to make a decision about how much they want to hook up with me and they havnt already planned a preferred outcome of the conversation.
i love this things men,
So do i
hi, well i like all your advises and conversations but how about this after introducing and all i go, you know last week i was on business travel and (this really happened for me) anyway but all of a sudden some where some how i forgot all about my work and just enjoyed my self going to clubs the night life awesome in there i had a good times and hook up with a few girls they wear nice i just enjoyed my self after all i did not do any thing i was there to do and after a few weeks i will go back if all of this happened again i wont regret it well i think we all should do fun stuff all the time to fill life and to be alive don’t you think. now for advise where i went wrong on the conversation. thanks
Ill be glad if someone can give the word of expression tht I can use whn im facing a gal coz sometimes I dnt knw wat to say
those are strong word they really inspire me now am ready to approach any beautiful and caring girl in all over the world my success shine on me…. kelvin,,,,
No one like a person who brags – that’s true. Guys need to know that women like to talk and men should listen, especially on the first few dates. It’s definitely a must-do.
Hi. I like this so much. But what if we are traveling and I see nothing to use other than her bag that will allow me to talk about my crazy aunt who likes fashion so much(making it up just to get some common ground)
I agree with that chick… women need to be challenged, intrigued, and stimulated. Whether it’s physically, intellectually, securely, or psychologically, women want understanding. The more you can relate, the easier it is. The author makes good points. Be subtle, but show excellence. Sometimes discussing novel experiences can amaze and fascinate. In the end, breathe… look the woman in the eye and be honest. If you can master that, they will feed off of your confidence. Some say women like men that are taken… I think it’s those men that are taken aren’t worrying about rejection and therefore project confidence.
Gutsygeek and commenters, thankyou so much! I will use this knowledge and let you guys know how it goes after a few attempts or even if it works straight away, if that should happen. And Ill let you know what I can remember from any successful interactions. This info may improve people’s lives in more than just approaching and dating.
I’m from Australia, not that that should make any difference but some people here say the girls are somewhat more difficult than foreigners and its not because of the accent attraction thing. Lets just say, this myth down under needs to be busted. Ill get more than just myself to do this. Understand I do not think of this as an experiment, It would just be nice to give some Aussies who truly believe that, some hope.
I’m not sure I understand you, mostly because I don’t know where you’re located currently.
Do you mean that women in North America are harder to pick up when you have an Australian accent? I think that’s hogwash.
Dudes with accents are always more attractive because they’re more exotic. Use that to your advantage my friend!
Hey I need your personal account so that we an talk extensively
You can reach me through the contact page,
some girls are so mean
I believe the most important part is first to understand a woman, how she carries herself, the stuffs she likes doin and what drives her.
With that in mind, you can confidently make the move. Remember to be honest to your self, compliment her and look her straight into her eyes.
Thats all…..she will be down at your feet, i guarantee you that.
I get nervous that if i just say something like do you like sports she will find it random.
Hi here is something that is helpful .When you see a girl be like
Hi!my name is…….
Nice out fit(even if is not nice)
she will smile an maybe she can even say thanks
You can then say to her I like your smile
She will smile more an more
If possible I wish to see you smile every time I see you (ask for her phone number tell her that you want to call sometimes just to say high
An beside girls like to hear things that are impossible (You promise her earth an Heaven
Coming from a girl, this is a terrible approach. Do not do this. You’re already telling her you’re going to call her at random times when she might not want you to?? Why is that appealing?? Girls do not like to hear things that are impossible, girls like to have good conversations.
hey Man,there is this Gal that is Hot and stuff,we meet often but i cant tell if its accidentally or meant to be,
i just get cold feets man,what can i do to gey her anttention or let me say how can i introduce my self
OGAR PHILIPJOE. September 19.2017. I saw this bab,so cool nice n pretty same university but dnt have the courage to approach her
I love a girl but i don’t know how to approach her so how do i go about it
I love a girl but i don’t know how to approach her so how do i go about it?
Thank you for gathering these
comprehensive points on what to say when approaching a girl.
They are excellent.
I certainly learned a few new and
important tricks, that’s for sure.
Keep it up
i think thats cool for some but for me na..by doing so you are putting alot presure on your self and that can bust dat fuckin nervous out and you start thinkin what to say next.. what i do most is lockin d eyes contact then smile then say something funny nd give a complement on somethin she wear bam u just nail it after u can introduce ursef ..tips one never take approachin serious dat will put u on easy mode.
Nice one but toasting a babe depends on your imagination
I like a girl bt dnt no how to talk to her or ask her out. Rami hw do I do it
I have a girl but I always feel shy when getting closer to her why and I don’t also know what to say when I am going closer to her why pls?
I never approach women for two reasons: rejection is always guaranteed because no woman is / could be interested in me; and, because of this, approaching any woman would likely get me accused of harassment. I am fundamentally unattractive and nothing can be done about it.
There is zero point in guys like me approaching any woman because rejection is guaranteed every time – and no woman ever approaches me either. There has never been one piece of evidence in my whole life that even one woman has been interested in me at all – women just aren’t attracted to me. Given that there is 100% chance that rejection (or worse) will happen if I so much as say hi, I don’t do it. The fact is, other guys are much more attractive than I ever could be – they can attract women but I can’t – so any woman will by default pick them and ignore me. This is how it is.
Men are expected to make the overt first move like saying hello, striking up a conversation, asking a woman out on a date, etc. But – many articules say – women in fact typically initiate this contact by subtly providing cues that such contact is welcome. In other words, women decide if and when men can initiate romantic advances.
Men who don’t understand this dynamic at best find themselves labeled as an awkward weirdo, and at worst become known as the creep who makes unwanted advances.
If this is true, what should a guy like me who literally never get “cues” from women to approach them do?
Bro, you sound like one who falls into the friendzone
Dudes you guys are gunius.
What if a girl want you and I want her too an am out of topic to impress her son our last conversation was about waiting for the right person in my life an the gal told me I should relax an wait for her
What should I do
You,ve a nice idea. but what if u ask her contact and she say no?
I LIKE THIS ARTICLE CZ IT RILLY HELPED ME AM SO GREATFUL AND I WISH YOU WERE MY BRO MMM
Right, i have take an example here because naturally i don’t know how to to start with a girl. This made me live so lonely all the time till date, now i will make sure i practicalize them. Thanks
With most women being so very rotten, evil, and very nasty nowadays, who would want to approach them anyway? Now in the old days, most women were approachable with no problem. And they were really very easy to meet, and real ladies as well.