24If you really think about it, thanks to our groovy society, there aren’t many differences between dating someone and being friends with them.

Men and women that are friends still have deep conversations, hang out regularly one on one, and can do most things couples do.

Binge watching House of Cards on Netflix? Check! Taco Tuesday? Check!

The main difference, then, lies in the physical relationship: couples have sex, while you go home to your hand.

How can you use that knowledge to your advantage?

One word answer: touch.

In today’s post, I’m going to show you how to touch a woman to be more attractive, and stay out of the friend zone.

The Importance Of Touch

I can’t stress enough how important touch is. Let’s start with the why.

From an evolutionary perspective, humans are conditioned to enjoy being touched. An infamous study conducted in 1944 showed that babies will straight up die if they don’t get enough affection, even if they’re well-fed and safe.

Every touch you have with another human, be it a high-five, handshake, or hug, promotes the release of oxytocin in our brains. Oxytocin is a delicious molecule that creates trust, connection, and liking someone.

Think about how good it feels to be hugged, or hold hands, or skin on skin contact during sex. That’s oxytocin working on you.

So when you touch someone, you help their brain release that happy chemical, and helps them like you. Do I have your attention yet?

Why Touch Is Important To Avoid The Friend Zone

Let’s forget about science for a second.

In my personal experience of meeting thousands of women and figuring out how to flirt and get dates with them, I realized one important thing:

If you’re not touching her, you’re not doing shit.

As I mentioned in last week’s post on avoiding the friend zone, “if you make small talk, you’re nice, and keep the conversation light and fluffy, things will seem like they’re going well.” But if you haven’t touched her yet, then you’re not really building much attraction. You’re letting her know you’re a friendly guy?

You know what friendly leads to? The Friend Zone!

Worse still, if you try to go for a kiss or a touch later on in the interaction, after not touching for the first two hours, it’s WEIRD. 

Dodge Kiss

Instead, you want to touch her immediately after meeting her, and keep touching her as you talk. In doing so, you’re sending her a subliminal message that says “hey, I want to get physical with you”.

Now, keep in mind that you can’t just run up to people and start groping ass. That’s destined to be a major fail. Rather you have to keep it light at first, and increase the touch as you talk, while gauging her reactions.

How To Touch Someone To Build Attraction

When you talk to a woman you’re interested in, always seek physical contact.

Cover Art

Start with a handshake, or high five, or an elbow touch.

This goes really well with my favorite opening line, where I just introduce myself and shake hands.

You follow this up with light touches that are short and in a non-erogenous zone, like the elbow or shoulder.

As the conversation goes on, touch her shoulder, maybe give her a hug when she says something cool or funny, and make the touch last a bit longer. If the venue is loud, and she’s speaking into your ear, put your hand on her lower back for a few seconds, then pull it away when she stops talking.

At this point, it’s crucial that you gauge her reactions to your touch.

You may find out pretty quickly that she’s not into you when she starts pulling away from your hands. If that happens, don’t waste any time, just move on and talk to someone else.

If, however, she begins to touch you back, you’re getting a green light to move forward, so don’t be afraid to become a bit more intimate. The more you touch, the stronger your connection with her becomes.

Another great sign that she’s into you is if she starts to touch you back. Is her hand on your elbow, shoulder, or chest? She’s flirting with you.

The final steps come when you guys are seated. If your hand is on her knee, and she’s not moving away, she’s ready for you to make out with her.

If her hand is on your knee, and you haven’t tried to kiss her yet, do so now.

Simple stuff, right?

The Touch Checklist

There’s this great list of touch zones that you can find pretty much anywhere online these days. Here’s a summary of the zones, in the order in which you progress.

  1. Hand
  2. Elbow
  3. Upper Arm
  4. Shoulder
  5. Upper Back
  6. Lower Back
  7. Knee
  8. Hair
  9. Face
  10. Kiss

There’s one crucial mistake all rookies make, including myself, that a lot of these lists don’t tell you about. Here it is:

DO NOT look at your touch. 

If you put your hands on her shoulder, don’t look at the hand on her shoulder. It’ll draw undue attention there and make things weird. Instead, make eye contact as normal, or look away.

I personally have a specific rhythm I like to follow where I talk, touch while looking away, then release the touch and keep talking.

But I’m Not a Touchy Guy

When I bring up the importance of touch, geeks tell me all the time that “they’re not touchy guys”. But that’s why I’m here, to teach you how to become one, because I’ll be honest with you, I was the worst at this.

I was totally the hover hands guy

I was totally the hover hands guy

For years, I didn’t touch anyone, because I was super awkward. Anytime I put my hands on another human, I felt like I was crossing a personal boundary. It got to the point where I was afraid to touch people, because I was worried I was in their personal space.

This is totally at odds with how humans communicate: most people talk and touch naturally when they’re comfortable.

As a result, I missed out on many opportunities with women. I would talk her ear off, while she desperately hoped for a kiss. Eventually she’d get bored and leave. Wouldn’t you?

Thus I learned through many failures that it’s worth reaching out and touching, and I’m confident you can too.

Also, anytime you worry about touching, think about all those douchebags you see at the clubs that randomly grind up on girls, and end up taking one home. It wasn’t pretty, but they touched.

I’m not saying become Mr Douchebag, because he’s kind of greasy, but he succeeds where we fail, right?

So get out of your head, and into your body instead. A happy middle ground, where you talk and you touch, slowly going through the checklist, is the way to go.

Remember, practice makes perfect.

The Touch Zones

As mentioned in last week’s post, there’s a small window when you first meet someone where you define how your relationship is going to be.

If you come on too strong, or grab her ass off the bat, you’re probably going to come off as horny and desperate. She’ll put you in the CREEPER ZONE.

If you just talk, and don’t get flirty or touchy, you’re going straight to the FRIEND ZONE.

If you wear suits made of Neutron-90, and fight the Black Widows, you’ll end up in the SPIRAL ZONE.

The Spiral Zone. It’s a scary place, but probably better than the friend zone.

If you talk, and you touch right, she may start being into you. Follow this up with more physicality, and a bit of sex talk, and you may just end up in the SEX ZONE.

That last one is my favorite.

Space Invaders

Are you struggling with touching people? Leave a comment and tell me about it.

And if you feel this post helped you in some way, do me a favor and share it with your friends? Just hit one of the buttons below 🙂

22 comments add yours

  1. It’s super effective advice. I flossed and didn’t pick my nose once, and then all the ladies fell in love with me forever. True story.

  2. But seriously though, I think there’s no such thing as friend zone, sooner or later, they become one of your options or you become one of theirs.

    But there are exceptions of course, that no matter what happens they will be friends because of specific history.

    This video proves it:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA

    • There is a such thing as the friend zone, at least mentally. Even in that video it described the friend zone. The girls knew, or at least said, at least one of their guy friends would date them if they let them. . .yet they aren’t dating because all the girl sees them as is friends.

      I agree it is often that at least one person in the friendship will develop stronger feelings for the other person, but the other person without a crush has put the first person in the ‘friend zone’.

      Or in my case, you are friends for a while then like each other but don’t date each other thinking the other one doesn’t feel that way towards you.

      Or even the more rare case, you both are friends for a while then get crushes on each other, tell each other but still decide to remain friends in the fear of the romantic relationship not working out and losing your friend. . .then you might as well be in the spiral zone . . .

  3. And here I was, just walking into rooms, groping ass like it was out of style. I knew I was doing something wrong.

    …or, is that okay, as long are you’re a girl? I haven’t gotten punched yet, at the very least.

  4. Well put.

    Creepers certainly are the bottom of the food chain, but at least they get lucky sometimes (as opposed to the poor souls in the friend zone).

    • That is correct. It’s because creepers don’t care about being safe or nice and fuzzy, they just go for it. Now the cool people need to learn some of that, and everybody will win.

  5. Would this stuff work for girls too? LOL

    Recently I’ve gotten weirdly close to one of my friends, typical it occurs when I move to a foreign country. But we’ve talked about ALOT and typed some not so savoury things to each other, plus voice chat for a bit… and we now talk to each other at least for a few hours a day, everyday, unless there is literally no way to contact each other. And when I first met him, there were feels there, inklings, and I made that known, BUT he had a girlfriend, which I did not know. So we sorta settled into a friendship. Since then, since leaving the country rather, he’s said alot of stuff to me which makes me wonder if he does like me, or wants more… I mean the sexting stuff just started out as accidental fun one day, but how that moves to voice chat being just for fun I don’t know. I’ve never done this with any of my close guy friends before. It’s just… confusing… specially as we went from a hypothetical honey moon period to a comfortable lovey dovey mode in the past 4-5 months. I don’t even know… it’s…. *sigh*…yeah…

    Would the push the limit til they love you or hate you work for a girl lol? Or would that be weird… Either way I’m back to my own country in about a month, and we both wanna live together. At least. He’s said if something happens it should happen naturally. Which I could take a number of ways lol.

  6. Wow, i knew i was doing something wrong, i mean i think this is why i got dumped in the first place, because i’m to cautions and to shy, i really have to be more confident with myself. If anyone would have some tips on boosting confidence and touching her without looking like a creep or desperate, that would be great. Thank you for being straight forward and not sugar coating everything

  7. ophelikios says:
    at 3:20 am
    And here I was, just walking into rooms, groping ass like it was out of style. I knew I was doing something wrong.
    …or, is that okay, as long are you’re a girl? I haven’t gotten punched yet, at the very least.
    Reply
    gutsygeek says:
    at 1:05 pm
    Ha! First grope is free, all other ass gropes are $5.

    Sexual assault is funny for you? You’re a scumbag just like Sam Pepper if you’re advocating for guys to do things like that to women. Gross.

    • Did you even read the post? Because it seems like you didn’t. You also took a comment out of context and claimed I said something I didn’t.

      Let me put things in perspective for you:
      -Ophelikios is a woman.
      -she’s a friend of mine.
      -she was referencing a part of the post where I say “walking into a room and groping ass is destined to fail”. In other words, referencing the fact that I said “don’t do it.”
      -she asked if it was ok to grope ass, as long as you’re a girl doing the groping.
      -I said “first grope is free, all other ass gropes are $5”, talking about her being a woman groping lots of men’s asses. It was also a joke.
      -I can’t make it any clearer than that, and am wondering where in there you found some sexual assault.

      Hopefully that clears things up for you.

  8. I really like a guy at work. I’m 28, hes 40. We always talk very casually and friendly, never sexual, but our handshakes are extended, and recently, I’m getting low-fives, where I’m kind of forced to rub his hand a little more. But is this REALLY a given that he likes me back? Argh. Thanks.

    • No it’s not. The only sure fire way to know if he likes you is to ask him on a date 😀

      Assuming you’re not that forward, you need to give him VERY obvious signs, and see if he takes them.

      First, ask him if he’s seeing anyone at the moment. Work it into the conversation so it’s not too obvious, but he’ll pick up on it if he’s not a total dingbat.

      Second, be extra touchy with him. Touch his chest, his shoulders, arms, elbows, whatever you can get your hands on without being inappropriate.

      Third, see if you can organize an after-work thing where you two are alone. Does he like badminton? Get him to teach you. Does he like action flicks? Suggest you go watch the latest one together.

      Hope this helps!

  9. Yes, I struggle in knowing how to touch female friends because they touch me or playfully hit me and poke me in a playful way, but when I try to touch them its like we are both magnets and I’m their polar opposite, so now I just avoid touching them, I know that is bad but I don’t know how to initiate, could someone help

  10. Hi .i have no problems in touching a woman but my handa get cold easily and when i’m nervous it’s even worst

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