My girlfriend and I have no common interests
“You are such a PIECE OF SHIT!” I exclaimed.
“Die in a grease fire!” he yelled back.
There were four of us, asses parked on my couch, playing fighting games. Insults were flying, trash talk was everywhere, buttons were being mashed, and all eyes were fixated on my monitor as we pummelled each other to bits.
This is what happens at my house at least once a week. A few friends come over every Saturday, from noon to 8pm, to play videogames. We spend the afternoon trash talking, farting, eating junk food, and talking about women. It’s Man Time™, and super fun.
But not for my girlfriend. She’s not into videogames at all. In fact, my girlfriend and I have almost no common interests.
And I think that makes her the perfect girl for me.
Different Strokes for Different folks
When my girlfriend and I first met, we quickly realized we didn’t have many common interests. I’m a hardcore geek, into videogames, scifi, fantasy, comic books, graphic novels, Star Wars, kung fu, Magic:TheGathering. I only watch two kinds of movies: action or comedy.
She’s much more artsy. She enjoys hanging out with friends over a bottle of wine, and will spend days choosing the perfect pictures for a photo album. She likes the theater, photography, long-distance running, making collages, scrapbooks, coloring books for adults, and graphic novels.
The more we dated, the more we realized how different our hobbies were. In fact, we only really had three common interests: travel, dogs, and graphic novels.
No Common Interests = A Good Thing™
There are a bunch of obvious benefits of having separate hobbies.
1. You never have to worry about finding time for your hobbies.
I see this all the time with couples that are joined at the hip, where he’ll stop playing games or she’ll give up yoga because their partner isn’t interested in doing it with them. Fuck that! If your partner wants to go running and you don’t, that’s great: you can park your ass on the couch and read comic books til she gets back.
In fact, there are evenings where my girlfriend and I want to hang out with each other, yet still want to indulge in our pasttimes. These nights are my favorites: she’ll grab the left side of the couch and catch up on her shows, while I sit on the right and play fighting games on my lagless monitor. It’s a marvelous arrangement, and is only possible because of one thing: separate interests.
2. You will broaden your horizons.
As long as you’re mildly curious, you and your partner will constantly be learning new things from each other.
For instance, before our relationship began, I did almost no volunteer work at all. But my girlfriend works at Down Syndrome center, and I now DJ at all their major events thanks to her influence.
Similarly, my girlfriend knew absolutely nothing about superheroes before me. Nearly a year ago, I explained the X-Men to her, then asked her to name the ones in this picture:
Her response? “Angel, Iceman, Cyclops, Phoenix, Upside-down man, and Sick Man.” Pretty funny.
Since then, she’s watched every Marvel movie that’s been released. She can’t wait for Civil War to come out, she bought us The Flash and Wonder Woman couch cushions, and she’s even got a Marvel’s Defenders sweater that she wears around the house.
3. You never run out of things to say.
If you spend all your free time with your partner, what do you talk about? Work? The things you just did together? That must suck.
I find the more time you spend apart, the more things you have to tell each other. Some of the best evenings I’ve spent with my girlfriend were preceded by a few hours where we each did our own thing, then got together for dinner to discuss the events of the day.
4. You will try new things.
As geeks, we often tend to get stuck in our geeky hobbies to the point where we ignore everything else.
How many of us skip work and ignore friends’ phone calls when we get our hands on the latest kickass game *cough* Dark Souls III *cough*?
Having a partner with different interests helps us break out of our geeky comfort zone, and gets us to do things we’d normally never even consider.
For instance, I’m super lazy, and would never rent a bike when I can just take a cab (what am I, some kind of peasant?). But while visiting Chicago, my girlfriend convinced me to rent some bikes and cycle down the boardwalk on our way to the dinosaur museam. The result? I had one of the best bike rides of my life.
In fact, henceforth I’ll gladly rent bikes anytime we’re visiting a new city and the weather’s good.
5. Spending some time apart makes the time together sweeter.
It seems pretty obvious right? When she’s not around, it helps you realize just how groovy things are when you’re together. In fact, there are some weeks where my girlfriend and I barely see each other due to differing work schedules. When that happens, I actually start to miss her, even though I live with her.
On the flipside, it also helps you realize when things aren’t working out: if you’d rather play videogames with your friends every day instead of hang out with your girlfriend, maybe you two shouldn’t be dating.
Shared Interests or Shared Values?
I’ve had a bunch of geeks write me recently about whether or not they should date a woman they don’t share common interests with.
The answer, of course, is hell yes!
Years ago, back when I was just a little blogger, I wrote a post about how shared values are the most important aspect of any relationship. I stand by that post today, especially now that I’m dating and living with someone.
You and your partner don’t need to spend every waking moment together, and don’t need to have common interests, because the shared values are what hold you together. Values like how you treat other people, cats or dogs (or both if you’re FREAKS), monogamy vs polyamory vs any other configuration, what your stance is on having children… these are way more important than common interests.
As long as you and your partner share core values, and simultaneously respect each others’ hobbies and interests, everything will be fine.
If, however, there isn’t that respect, you’re in for a rough time. I once flirted with a girl at a bar, and told her I played fighting games competitively. She gave me a look of disdain and said “aren’t you a bit old to play videogames?”
I knew instantly she and I were not a match. It wasn’t a problem that she wasn’t a fan of videogames: my current girlfriend doesn’t play any either. What turned me off was the complete lack of respect for what I love, mixed in with a huge well of judgment on top of that.
You don’t have to like my hobbies. I don’t have to like yours. But we have to respect them.
The Flip Side
You ever have that friend who you used to play videogames with all the time? Or some other kind of activity with? Maybe not your best friend, but one of the guys. Then one day, that friend met a woman, was convinced she was The One™, and fell off the face of the earth.
You now see him at parties, and occasionally get together for gaming sessions. But he doesn’t stay out late, he has to be home by 10pm or his girlfriend freaks out.
Those friends are often in unhealthy, unhappy relationships. They form symbiotic bonds, and end up sacrificing their happiness for their partners’, and vice versa. Many of them forgo their hobbies to spend every waking moment with The One™.
But what happens if you and The One™ break up? You’re not just left with an Ex One™, you’re also left with No Friends™.
Don’t be that guy. Life is going to pull you away from your hobbies anyway, either when you move, or your job takes more time, or you start a family and need to spend time raising tiny humans (babies before games, duh).
Make sure you don’t lose sight of the hobbies that are important to you because of your relationship.
So what am I saying?
I’m saying date someone with different interests. Learn from her hobbies. Respect her interests, and make sure she respects yours. It’s a pretty sweet way to live.
I can’t agree more – my guy and I are pretty much polar opposites in how we choose to spend our time. Him vs me; Sleep vs drawing, TV vs Knitting, walking vs yoga, climbing vs soccer. In fact the only things we absolutely love doing together are eating, wandering the city (usually in search for new and interesting food or food-centric destinations) intimacy (duh), and enjoying music.
He’s learned a lot about art and even given me amazing advice and a fresh eye to see things, and I’ve learned a lot about cars, computers, and having the courage to fix things in general.
I totally agree with your values bit as well. So important and wholeheartedly agree! As being part of a happy marriage for about 7 years I’d say it’s worked out 🙂
7 years! That’s great Kina. I love the fact that you’re both learning from each other, it’s a beautiful way to ensure you both evolve together over the years.
Great hear from yea man awesome post ready for civil war me and my bro are watching them all for lron man-ant man it gonna be crazy!
Hell yea! It’s gonna be rad!
LOL! You’re a splendid couple. The way you behave and the way you describe it all makes you wonder whether it’s the common interests of the pair want to live in pleasure. So, I wish you good luck. Great hear from yea man:)
I searched up this topic n came across your article and found it really helpful for my situation. I’m a single parent with two kids and my boyfriend is living with me. He moved in after only a few weeks of us knowing each other coz he needed a place to stay n wanted to get to know me at the same time so we thought we’d give it a try. Sometimes, once or twice a week, he’ll stay out until 3 or 4 am saying that he’s at his mom’s house but I know he’s at a shisha bar watching a game with his buddies. The thing that bothers me is that he doesn’t pick up his phone when I call or sometimes he turns his phone off all together. He’s 32 n I really don’t want to put curfews n shit, but him staying out late bothers me n not contacting me makes it worse. Since he’s been living with me we’ve never gone out together alone without the kids. We just go shopping, or he drives me to work or jus watch TV n movies at home. He says he wants to take me out for shisha, but I don’t enjoy a loud big crowd, I’d rather be someplace quiet or do something else entirely, but for him shisha is really fun. I don’t know what to do. This week he’s stayed home all week coz he doesn’t have a job n he’s afraid to go out with his friends coz he thinks I’ll kick him out if he goes out with his friends n stays out late. Can u please help? I’m at my wits end trying to figure out what I can do.
how do you learn to respect your partners hobbies if they seem like they belittle your own, for example i LOVE documentaries, if im not learning something i feel stuck, whereas she likes to watch fight videos, not wrestling or mma r boxing just people really tryna hurt each other for no other gain than to do harm to someone else. Having a insightful debate vs not explaining why you like your favourite food. she doesnt share the sentiment in being away from each other will make the time spent sweeter, i need some advice. i feel like im the friend you mentioned sacrificing my hobbies for time with The One, i mean i my xbox updated and i saw that through youtube not actually turning my xbox on…
I’m a sort of lonely guy in high school who recently met a girl who I thought was (and still think is) beautiful, and she seemed very nice. Last week she and I got in contact through a friend, but SHE wanted to contact ME, so I think she has something for me. As we got to know eachother I realized she and I aren’t too similar which, before reading this article, worried me! But now that I see the benefits of separate interests I am confident in the chances of our relationship. Let’s just hope there isn’t any huge religious or political differences or else we may not have the same “values”.
Lots of thanks!
Really helped me out in figuring out my life.
I like the comment about respecting each other’s hobbies while simultaneously having different ones.
I am in a relationship with someone who has different interests, but I think we both struggle with ‘respecting’ each other’s interests. Small potshots and judgemental comments towards an interest/hobby I love add up quick and it does not feel great at all! I also recall reciprocating… how unhealthy… it’s so hard to assert my right to have interests and hobbies he doesn’t like. It’s hard to find the words, and not give in to just saying “okay well I guess I don’t have to do that thing (that I really enjoy doing! And that really helps my soul!) right now and spend time with you.”
When I don’t give in, there are always consequences like what was mentioned about the gamer friend who has a curfew.
Here’s the thing you have different interest but when it comes to things you like “geeky, needy things” your girl shows interest because it things you like. My girl shows no interest, no one slight interest, i have to force her to watch a marvel movie or to try something I like but when it come to her things I show all the interest I can. It feels really one sided.
I’m curious to know if you’re still together. I’m the girl and he’s the guy. I’m the one having issues accepting him. I’m constantly doubting if I should be with someone who’d like to go out socializing with me all the time, instead of a geeky boyfriend. We just moved together. I’m freaking out 😩
Yes we are! 5 years and one child later, we are still going strong.
In fact, I’d say we’re much deeper in love than before. We’ve been growing together and evolving in the same direction. I’d say she’s really rubbed off on me in a positive way.
I eat way more vegetables, am more environmentally conscious, and bike everywhere when the weather permits.
Because we have a child and our time is much more limited, we both feel it’s very important to find time for our individual hobbies.
We give each other at least one night off per week, so I get to spend an evening playing video games with my friends, and she gets to go to a photography exhibition or a concert.
And then one evening we have her mother babysit, which gives us a date night together. We use it to reconnect, do something romantic, and enjoy ourselves as a couple without focusing on the baby.
Things are great 🙂
Hello i have a dilemma. Ive been seeing this girl for a few months and we both like eachother very much. A week ago I asked her to be my girlfriend.
Today she facetimed me crying and was unsure about the label and that we were moving too quickly(we are an hour drive apart). She then went on saying maybe we shouldnt be together at all and that we dont have much in common at all.
After all this we took a break from the call to cry(not try) and collect our thoughts. We talked for a long time and came to the conclusion to see eachother in a few days to talk more in person and make the relationship more casual to get to know eachother better.
Im really scared and sad and i dont know how to feel about this. I asked her why she didnt say no when i asked her to be my girl friend but she just said she wasnt thinking straight in the moment.
We couldnt break it off completely because we like eachother too much. This is my first relationship i dont know what to do.
In one of your responses in this comments section you said you now have a date night with your partner. So what do you do together with such different interests? I am with someone where we don’t generally like the same movies, tv, hobbies but we do have shared values and shared sensibilities about major things and have no problem letting the other person enjoy what they enjoy. So I think we’re in a good place but when we stop doing our own thing and come together to purposefully spend time, we can’t find things that we both enjoy. It’s usually one of us doing something for the other’s sake and neither of us want all of our quality time to be spent like that. for example, He’s into fighting heavy video games with a good story that require a fair amount of technical skill whereas I (not good at video games) prefer low pressure puzzle games that you can take your time with like human fall flat etc. He finds my type of game uninteresting on the whole even though we have played them before to try and have “us” time. He’s into marvel and action movies and I like weird independent films. Again we’ve tried a bit of both and neither of us want to feel like we don’t get to fully enjoy our together time. Do you ever struggle to find activities you both like to do together? If so, how did you solve this?
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