Follow These Simple Tips to Be #foreveralone and never get with Women
Accept that you suck with women. Surround yourself with people who also suck with women. Stay home and play games with them, all day every day. Don’t get out of the house. Agree with all your friends who say “dating sucks”. Don’t date. And don’t talk to women.
Show up empty-handed. Don’t talk to anyone. Be really anti-social. Stand in the corner with a drink. When no one talks to you, pretend you’re waiting for someone.Get obnoxiously drunk. Pull out your phone. Pretend to text someone important. Play Amazing Brick instead. Don’t talk to women.
Go to clubs because you want to “pick up the bitches”. Go with 4 guy friends who all want to “pick up the bitches”. Get 4 overpriced bottles of booze. Stand around your table huddled amongst each other, with a glass of booze in your hand. Offer drinks to girls around you. Watch them drink your alcohol. Watch them bring their friends over to drink your alcohol. Watch them bring their boyfriends over to drink your alcohol.
Run out of alcohol. Run out of women too. Believe your waitress when she says cristal will bring them back. Buy cristal. Drink it like a sad man with your friends. Give the waitress a huge tip in the hopes that she goes home with you. She doesn’t. Go home alone to your hand. Watch some porn while drunkenly crying salty tears. Use your own tears as lube to masturbate. Fall asleep in a sad, wet mess. Oh, and don’t talk to women.
Go out with a wingman so you can “pick up bitches” together. Make fun of him whenever he talks to a woman. Tell him how desperate he is. Tell him he looks like shit. Make him feel bad for wearing a fedora. When a girl’s into him, talk to her and imply he has herpes. If she sticks around, be overt about it. If that doesn’t work, tell her he has bedbugs. Do whatever it takes to get her to fuck off. Then make fun of him for not being able to get a girl. By the way, don’t talk to women.
Kiss a lot of ass at the office. Make sure you get on your boss’s good side by blaming everything on your female coworker. Women are weak after all, your boss will believe you. Then hit on your female coworker very inappropriately. Grab her ass as she walks by. Send her some sex talk over text. Tell her you want to eat her ass in an email. Don’t worry when she says she’ll report you to HR.
Get reported to HR. Deny everything. Try to paint her as a liar. Try to get her fired. Be sad as she shows your email to HR. Shit. Get off with a warning. Stop talking to her. Ignore her when she goes by. Still look at her ass though. This is what happens when you’re nice to women. Don’t talk to women.
Fill your profile with typos. Put lol and smilies at the end of every sentence. Upload 5 pics of you with your dog. Talk about how much you hate bitches with a bad attitude in your profile. Send every woman the message “hey”. Then when they don’t respond, send them all the same message “your a bitch anyway”. Then when they don’t respond, send them all the same message “jk lol, wanna hang out on Friday.”
Switch it up. Send dick pics instead. Say “I got a big dick, wanna see.” Then send it regardless of what they answer. Send another dick pic with a photoshopped can of shaving cream next to your penis. Then when they don’t respond, send them the message “wtf you a lesbian or something.”
Remember, don’t talk to women (in real life).
Fall in love with your best friend since childhood. Do whatever she asks you to do. Tell her you love her. Get rejected. Go home and cry. Watch Ross and Rachel get together in Friends. Hatch a romantic plot to get her to love you. Go to her house with flowers. Throw rocks at her window. Break her window because you threw a rock too hard. Get your ass kicked by her boyfriend. What an asshole.
Pine over her. Get stalker creepy. Watch When Harry Met Sally. Convince yourself you’re going to be Harry and will get the girl in the end. Beg her to be friends again. Help her move. Let her cry on your shoulder when her boyfriend dumps her. Cuddle her til she falls asleep. Tuck your boner away. Remind yourself it’s for the greater good of love. Hang out with her every day until she’s over him. Make a 5-course meal for her that costs you lots of money. Cry again as she ditches your 5-course meal for a bootie call with him. Eat soufflé alone. It is delicious.
Watch Big Bang Theory. Pretend you’re Leonard and you finally get with Penny. Get online and search for Penny lookalikes in porn. Cry and masturbate yourself to these Penny lookalikes. Use real lube this time.
Oh, and whatever you do, most certainly for realsies 100% do not talk to women.