In Montreal, we have really wet and sloshy winters. There’s a ton of snow, rain, ice, and wetness, from October through to April. It’s excellent for snow angels, leaping into puddles, and laughing at people who slip on the ice and fall on their asses.

It’s not so good for shoes. Customarily, when you enter someone’s house or apartment, it’s a given that you need to take your boots off, so you don’t track mud and slush in with you.

This is the perfect opportunity to take advantage of a fashion loophole, to showcase something that most people overlook.

I’m talking, of course, about socks.

When Fashion Meets Feet

My cousin is an incredibly well-dressed woman. Whenever I need to buy new clothes, I take her with me as my fashion consultant. She always picks out great items for me to wear (example: red fitted shirt with flowery patterns), and vetoes the silly ones (example: red fitted jeans with flowery patterns).

A few weeks ago, my cousin mentioned that a good outfit can be enhanced by wearing flashy socks. I was in luck: I wear flashy socks all the time.

I’ll often dress up when I go out, and hide my secret crazy patterned socks under my jeans. Then, when I enter someone’s house, I remove my shoes, to reveal the wonders that lie beneath. They’re always a big hit at house parties!

Here are some of the magical ones in my collection, all purchased from my favorite store, Sock It To Me.

MEF31 MEF22 mef0044

When Socks Cock Block

Let’s talk about the danger of socks when it comes to sex.

Geeks, I’m going to share the most important sex tip you’re ever going to get: no socks during sex. 

There are no exceptions to this rule for men. You can ask any woman you know, and I guarantee you won’t find one who thinks it’s sexy for a guy to get it on with her while wearing socks and his birthday suit.

At best, she’ll tolerate it. Worst case, she’ll be totally turned off.

It’s a double standard, I know. Most of us think women in socks are damn sexy, especially the knee-high variety. I mean, would you kick her out of bed for eating crackers?

sportsocks

No, no you wouldn’t. You’d jump for joy, and thank the god of fetishes for the bad things you’re about to do.

But for us guys? There’s no good underwear and socks combo that’ll save you, unless you’re some kind of sixpack rocking model with the looks of a Greek god.

Remember the golden rule: no socks during sex.

A Wild Sock Appears

We were both on the couch. Things were getting hot and heavy. I had my shirt off, and she was down to her underwear. She pushed me onto my back, got on top, then slowly worked her way down to my pants.

She gave me a seductive, sexy, sexy look and began undoing my belt, then grabbed the side of my jeans and started pulling down.

Lost in lust, I almost let her do it. Then I came to my senses.

“Wait!” I exclaimed. “Take my socks of first. No socks during sex.”

She gave me a bewildered look, then the lust reappeared on her face, stronger than ever.

“Oh my god I love you,” she laughed, half serious and half more turned on than ever. “I hate it when guys don’t take their socks of before fucking.”

Phew. Saved the day, and impressed a lady. Truly the golden sock rule is a hero.

The Origin of the Sock Gap

Here’s the thing: the sock rule doesn’t come from me.

I learned it from one of my favorite British sitcoms, the magnificent show Coupling (available on Netflix!).

It’s written and run by Steven Moffat, the mastermind behind the magnificent Sherlock series, starring Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman. No surprise I’m a huge fan of both shows.

In the second episode of Coupling, Jeff, one of the main characters, talks about the dreaded “sock gap” during foreplay.

Jeff: My advice is to get them off right after your shoes and before your trousers… that’s the sock gap. Miss it and suddenly you’re a naked man in socks. No self-respecting woman will let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her.

Boom! Mind blown. What an incredible piece of advice.

Since then, I’ve practiced the art of dodging the sock gap like a boss.

There are two methods I use.

If she’s taking my clothes off, and pulling at the pants, I go with the verbal dodge. I say “Stop! Take my socks of first. No socks during sex.” Most of the time, as in the story mentioned above, it turns her on. I’m showing some good sense, and some dominance, both of which are great in the bedroom.

If I’m taking my clothes off, I do what I like to call the secret slide. No one likes to be hopping around on one foot and losing balance while trying to take your socks off. Instead, as you slide your pants off, grip the sock from inside your pants, and slide it off in one motion with the pant leg. Do the same with the other leg.

It’s one smooth motion, and ensures you never, ever, ever end up as a naked man in socks.

Final Thoughts

Alright geeks, you’re ready to get squelchy with a woman. I suggest you use this sock advice mostly for good, and a little bit for evil.

10 comments add yours

  1. Hook your thumbs on either side of your waste and pull down all the way to your toes. Pants, underware, socks, one motion. It makes a fwipping noise, like Spiderman.

  2. Where do you get your ideas Gutsy?! You must have one amazing muse! Quite sage advice all around yet while we are on the subject of socks I have one additional cock-block to add if I may: save those super cool long socks for UNDER your pants only. They are the secret surprise for the lucky, not to be shown off all the time. Long socks go with long pants, short socks go with (wait for it) shorts. I’m especially glaring at gym dude who thinks he has underwear model looks enough to detract attention from his terrible up-to-his-I-skip-legs-day-lack-of-calves black knit socks but nope, no self-respecting warrior princess is going to get close to squelchy with that. The little things matter and this is a easy win Geeks. Oh yea, and do the secret-sock-pull, Gutsy is right: Not sexy.

    • Ah! I knew I was forgetting something! Good call with the tip: long socks + long pants, or short socks + shorts. I’ll remember that one.

      And my muse, dear lady, is incredible. You’d like her, she’s nice.

  3. Haha I thought I came up with the secret slide! It’s one of the best moves, and it’s kinda impressive! Rami, I love your blog, keep it up, geeks of the world need you!

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