How to Cheat on Your Girlfriend

About 7 years ago, I was in a committed relationship with a woman I was madly in love with.

One night, I was at a party thrown by a couple of students I was teaching, and they decided to get me nice and drunk. While we were hanging out and doing shots, I was approached by one of their friends, a beautiful Moroccan girl.

She was absolutely stunning: almond eyes, olive skin, and full sensual lips.

She introduced herself to me, and we hit it off immediately. As the night went on, the gang and I kept drinking and having a blast.

Midway through a conversation, the Moroccan girl puts her arm around my neck, and touches her lips to my ear.

“I want you to know you’re yummy,” she whispered.

Uh oh.

The Low Down

So you’re dating someone. You’re in a loving, committed relationship. You’re monogamous.

But you like to go out and meet women. You like flirting, and the chase, and getting a girl’s number.

Plus, now that you have a girlfriend, you’re instantly way more attractive to every woman out there. It’s like they can smell your unavailability and they want you all the more for it.

So you’re considering being a bit unfaithful.

Here’s how you go about cheating on your girlfriend:

YOU FUCKING DON’T.

What the hell is wrong with you, you goddamn animal? If you were in front of me, I’d roll up a magazine and swat you with it.

“NO. BAD. BAD GEEK. NO CHEATING.”

A Tale of Woe and Treachery

I was cheated on once.

It was a long, long time ago, and was one of the most devastating experiences of my life. As a caring, easy-going person, I trusted my girlfriend very deeply and completely. I never once questioned her actions, and never wondered if she was banging someone else.

When you’re in a committed relationship, one of the most important factors is trust.

You have to be able to trust your partner with your emotions, with your vulnerability, with who you are on every level. You have to trust that she knows a lot about you, some of your deepest fears and darkest secrets. You have to trust that she has this power, and she won’t hurt you with it.

And of course, vice versa.

She trusts that you’re not going to fuck someone every time you go to a party. She trusts that your female friends are just that: friends. She trusts that when you committed to her, you were being honest.

The moment you cheat on someone, the instant you cross that line, you’ve destroyed the trust.

And you will never recover from it.

Every time you go out, she’ll wonder if you’re doing it again. She’ll wonder if your friend is really your friend, or someone you’re having an affair with. When you’re unreachable for a little while, she’ll suspect the worst.

Wouldn’t you, if the roles were reversed? I know I did.

The Line

Speaking of lines in the sand, you need to clearly define yours.

When I commit to someone new, we have the talk about boundaries very early on. If we’re monogamous, I let her know that getting physical with someone else is off the table. Sex or kissing is considered cheating.

My boundaries aren’t the same as everyone else’s though.

Some couples I know are ok with kissing other people. Some have arrangements, where it’s ok to have sex with other people, as long as there’s no emotional attachment. And some couples I know are full on polyamorous, where other people are welcome in their relationship.

My favorite monogamous couple defined it as this: don’t do anything you wouldn’t be ok with me doing. They have extremely similar boundaries, so it works out for them quite well.

Why It’s Important To Have Experience

Some men I know suffer from the power that comes with having a girlfriend. Before, when they were single, they had no game. Women wouldn’t even look at them. The moment they’re partnered, they start getting attention.

This eats at you, until eventually you start to want to act on it. Often it’s because when you were single, you didn’t hook up with enough girls, and so you really want to try what’s out there.

Well, tough shit buddy. You’re with someone wonderful: don’t mess it up for two minutes of sex with a hottie. It’s really REALLY not worth it. Not even for a threesome, or that pepto bismol thing you keep wanting your girlfriend to do.

Funnily enough, the most faithful men I’ve known are the guys who were insane players when they were single. I was once out with a friend of mine without his girlfriend. Halfway through the night, two girls threw themselves at him and suggested a threesome, and he didn’t even bat an eyelash.

“Whatever,” he told me. “I’ve had threesomes before. These two chicks aren’t worth it.”

He’d been around the block enough times to realize what he had was magnificent, and he’d never want to risk it for something silly.

But let’s assume you do.

Let’s assume you made a mistake, and you crossed a line: making out, flirting, sex, whatever the boundary was you agreed upon. I hate myself for saying this, but don’t tell her.

Don’t you do it. EVER.

You made a mistake, I hope. It was a momentary lapse in judgment. And it’s never going to happen again, ever. So you sweep it under the rug, and you live with your guilt. You realize you’re an asshole, and shame on you.

Also know that I, personally, am pissed off at you, and hope you feel like shit.

You never tell her, because she deserves better than that. You make it up to her without her ever knowing, and you treat her well because of it.

If she were to find out, you wouldn’t just be ruining your relationship, you’d be messing her up for a long time, potentially even forever.

Because once you get cheated on, guy or girl, you end up with that little voice in the back of your head that nags you in all subsequent relationships, and makes you ask two horrible questions: do I really believe they’re being faithful?  Do I really trust my partner?

Yummy In The Tummy

“I want you to know you’re yummy,” she whispered into my ear, sliding her arm around my neck.

I paused, stunned. No woman had ever been so direct with me, so bold, before this moment. Especially not one as hot as this.

I put my hand on her arm, and gently pushed her away.

“Thanks,” I said. “But I have a girlfriend.”

“So what? She’s not here.” She gave me a coy smile.

“Yea, but I still have a girlfriend. And I don’t mess around with what I have. Ever.”

Her smile faded then, and she looked disappointed.

I smiled at her, and grabbed a drink.

I had used my powers for good, instead of evil, and damn if it didn’t feel spectacular.