Dating

Lately I’ve been getting a lot of calls from friends asking me for advice on moral dilemmas they’ve been having around sex. It must be something to do with the season, because I’ve had 4 such conversations in the last two weeks. Interestingly enough, I’ve been able to solve all of their problems using the same code of ethics that I’ve developed for myself over the years.

Here it is:

When it comes to love and sex, I break things down into what I desire and the greater good, then I brainstorm a solution. Otherwise, I end up running in circles.

Sounds farfetched? Let me explain.

What I desire

In affairs of the heart and the pants, people often think too much. We worry about how things will turn out in the morning, who’s going to get hurt, what if someone finds out, where all the lube went…

That’s not a big deal. In fact, thinking things through is good practice for healthy living, as long as when you’re done thinking, you take action. Unfortunately, too many people start the thinking process, but don’t go anywhere with it. They get tangled up in the ifs/buts/ands of the equation, with no way out.

Guess who does that too? Young Spider-Man. Poor Peter Parker, always too worried about “with great power comes great responsibilty” to fool around with the girl next door. I learned a lot about how NOT to have a sex life from Spider-Man.

I believe the reason he’s so indecisive is he never really figures out what he wants. He never states his desires in a concrete fashion. He’s always torn between going on a date and saving the day, and ends up having a shitty time doing both.

So, first thing to do: don’t be Spider-Man.

Next, eliminate all external factors, reduce it to its simplest form, and determine what it is that you want.

This will allow you to make a concrete decision later.

Let’s help Spider-Man along:

Question: “Peter Parker, eliminating any obstacles in your way, including but not limited to Doctor Octopus, Aunt May, your calculus exam, and the mean articles The Daily Bugle writes, do you want to take Mary Jane Watson home and have crazy sticky sex with her?”

Answer: “HELL YES.”

Desire determined? Check.

The Greater Good

Once you determine and/or admit to what you want, you move on to the next part. I usually ask myself a simple question: how does acting on this desire affect the greater good?

Now, by greater good, I don’t mean the rain forests or world peace. I mean it in a more day-to-day fashion, like your group of friends, your work environment, the people you live with, or even your family.

For instance, if you want to have some hot sex with your coworker, ask yourself what the repercussions will be on the greater good. How will your work relationship change? Will you still be able to work side-by-side every day like nothing happened?

At this stage, don’t judge. Just try to determine how things might turn out, and remember, although you can’t predict the future, you can get a rough idea of how certain things will be. For instance, you know if you and said coworker get it on, it will probably affect your work environment in some way.

Spider-Man always asks himself about the greater good. In fact, he goes too far, and thinks so much of the greater good that he forgets to think about himself. He’s great at this second step.

Question: “Peter Parker, what would happen if you were to give Mary Jane a little bit of your sticky webbing and Doctor Octopus was on the loose?”

Answer: “Someone would probably get hurt as a result.”

Greater Good? Check.

The Solution

This is the easy part. If you’ve followed the first two steps, then you have all the data you need to make a decision.

You know what you want, and you know what the consequences are on a larger scale. All you need to do now is choose, based on your personal code of ethics.

Observe:

Question: “Peter Parker, would you still bang Mary Jane if Doctor Octopus was, at this very instant, ransacking the office of J. Jonah Jameson, a man who constantly smears your reputation in his newspaper?”

Answer: “No. I’d go save the day. I’d have blueballs though.”

If I was in his place? Screw Doc Ock, I’d get my rocks off and let one of the other superheroes take the case. Spidey needs to get his priorities straight.

And in real life…?

Two weeks ago, my friend Jack (name changed to protect the innocent) told me about a dilemma he was having. A coworker was hitting on him, and he was really turned on by her. However, he knew she had a boyfriend, and didn’t want to mess up their relationship.

Or rather, he really did want to, but couldn’t. Or wouldn’t. Or shouldn’t. Argh! Circles.

“Let’s move on from this silly conversation,” I said, “and ask the correct question. Do you want to fuck her?”

In response, Jack gave me a metaphor about her being chocolate, and he’s on a diet. I tried phrasing the question differently, and got another indirect response. He continued to dance around the subject, and I realized he was being evasive because he was unsure of her answer. There were too many variables involved.

So I eliminated them all. I repeated the question, specifying that he forget all other details except what was right in front of him. In other words, when he’s at work, and they’re flirting, does he want to have hot sex with his coworker?

Long silence. “Yes,” he replied.

“Now you know what you want,” I said. “And there’s no shame in that. What happens if you act on it?”

“I’ll be the other man,” she replied. “I’ll feel guilty for helping her cheat on her boyfriend. And work will probably get weird.”

“Alright. You know what you want, and you know what the consequences of it are. What are you going to do?”

He pauses again. “Nothing. I’m not going to do anything about it. We’ll keep harmlessly flirting, but that’s it.”

Problem solved.

Any questions?

My good friend Emilie has been pestering me to start giving out advice on how to meet women. I’ve been doing it for ages informally with my friends, and they all agree I have skills that are worthy of being shared. And so I shall.

However, rather than start at the beginning, with instructions on approaching girls, building attraction, touching, teasing, and all those other groovy steps, I’m going to start with the end.

What is my goal?

That’s not a rhetorical question. I want you to think about this one very carefully.

When you’re chatting with a girl, I want you to think about what your goal is. For some guys, the end goal of approaching a woman is sex. For others, it’s a phone number, or a kiss, or putting a marshmallow in her belly button then making sweet passionate love to it with your tongue.

Whatever tickles your dingleberries, as long as you pick one.

Think about it. What was your goal the last time you were chatting up a girl?

In my case, the goal is always the same: I want to fuck her. It sounds crass, but it’s true. When I approach a girl at a club/bar/party, it’s because I think she’s attractive enough physically that I would enjoy seeing her naked.

While we talk, I determine if she’s actually smart, fun, and interesting enough to do some horizontal mambo with. If so, I go for a number, a makeout, and possibly try to take her home. If she’s not my type, I abort, and find another girl that meets my criteria.

Why is the goal so important?

Here’s a conversation I had with a buddy of mine recently. He’s attractive, funny, very cool and confident, but hasn’t gotten some in a while.

“I was chatting with this really hot girl at a bar last week,” he said. “It was going really well, but in the end I couldn’t close her.”

“And by close, you mean…?” I asked. These days, with The Game and all the Pick Up Artist lingo it’s created, you can never be sure what that word means.

“I mean get her number,” he replied.

I remember being in his shoes around this time last year.

How do I ask her for her number, I would think to myself. Should I do it? What if she says no? What if by asking, I ruin our friendship/relationship/conversation?

All these thoughts are irrelevent, and merely barriers I was setting that prevented me from getting what I wanted. This happened because I didn’t have a clear goal in mind, which is why it’s so important to determine what you want before you approach.

I asked my buddy if his goal was to get a girl’s number.

“Yes, of course,” he replied. “I just don’t know how.”

I explained the process to him, and gave him pointers (you’ll see these in an upcoming article).

But I also gave him a warning.

“Dude, you have the tactics. Now it’s about following through with your goal. Don’t be a pussy and chicken out. Be a man, go for what you want.”

Having a clear goal allows you to do just that.

What does this mean?

So, you have game. You know how to approach and attract a girl. What next?

Well, you follow through. You’ve decided if you want to get her number, fuck her, make love to her marshmallow, or any combination of these three. So do it.

There’s no substitute for willpower.

You can hem and haw and and wonder and debate and run yourself in circles agonizing about trying something, and all the possible ways it might go wrong. Meanwhile, some other guy that doesn’t pause to think is going to swoop right in and get what you wanted.

If you have a clear goal, you can identify obstacles, find out what’s stopping you, and overcome them to score.

I’ll give you an example.

When I was learning to attract women in October, my original goal was to get a phone number. It took me a solid 3 weeks of approaching 10 groups of girls a night until I got my first number! I got rejected an insane amount of times, but that didn’t stop me. Thanks to my clear goal, I was able to focus exclusively on it until I got it right.

The Secret Women Wish You Knew

I was at a club recently chatting up a girl. After a bit of fun banter, I took her hand and led her onto the dance floor. Amidst the gyrating bodies and pumping music, I turned to her, put my hand behind her head, and pulled her in for a kiss.

No questions, no internal debate, no worries. I wanted to kiss her, and I went for it.

Later on, she told me she was hoping I’d make a move.

That’s the last bit of knowledge I’ll impart to you today: most of the time, the girl wants you to make a move. The only thing stopping you from achieving your goal is you.

Let’s take this info and go full circle back to my buddy’s story.

He’s talking to the girl, they’re laughing and having fun. Don’t you think she wanted him to get her number?

Probably. He just needed someone or something to light a fire under his ass.

Unfortunately, there’s no one there to do it in the real world.

So next time you’re chatting up a cute girl, think of your goal. Then go for it. I guarantee you won’t regret it, regardless of the outcome.

I have great news for all my readers. At this point in time, I am single. More than that, I am extremely happy with my singleness. I do, however, have many friends that are not single, and that’s great. I also have friends that are single, and happy also, and that’s great too.

What’s not so great are my single friends that are unhappy because they’re alone. Amongst them, I noticed a recurring theme: they want the perfect love.

I always tell them the same thing: “Dude, you watch too much TV. Real love isn’t like that.”

Image by Jeff Thomas. Click to check his stuff out

The movies are all the same: boy meets girl, they fall in love. There is turmoil, then a happy ending with a kiss, and it’s the most electric kiss in the world. Wow! What a beautiful story! Amazing! Man, I wish I could fall in love like that, I wish that would happen to me.

I have bad news for you friend: it won’t.

Or rather, it will happen to you, but it won’t be love. It’ll be lust, or some derivative thereof. It’ll be happy chemicals in your brain telling you that you want to fuck this person in front of you until you can’t walk. It’ll be insane thoughts of spending every waking moment with the someone that, in all probability, you’ll have broken up with within a year.

Welcome to the real world! It’s not a Hollywood movie!

Hollywood Love

So I have a friend that is an amazing human being. He is intelligent, positive, hard-working, and just an all-around excellent guy. He has one major problem though: he’s a hopeless romantic, and it’s getting in the way of his love life.

“But Rami,” you say, “surely that’s not a bad thing? The world could use more romantic men.”

“Sort of,” I reply, “but the romance needs to be based on reality, and not your favorite scene from The Notebook.”

Being influenced by too many movies means we all have unrealistic expectations of reality when it comes to love (and explosions, but that’s another story). We expect Love, with a capital L, to fall into our laps. We expect perfection in every aspect of our partner. We even expect the way our first meeting unfolds to be perfect, and natural. I keep hearing the same old clichés like “you’ll know when you meet the one“, or “if you look for it you won’t find it”. Bullshit. That’s laziness, fear, and too much TV talking.

Think about it: the last time you fell in love, were you friends with that person for 12 years beforehand, then one day realized how much they meant to you, before finally kissing them and walking off into the sunset? Probably not.

Messy Love

In the real world, love is much more fucked up. You meet someone, you hang out, you make out, you have sex. Things progress slowly, with your lives becoming more and more intertwined. Maybe you begin to share friends, you move in together, you split the cost of furniture. Eventually, roughly two to three years in, the happy chemicals in your brain that have been telling you you’re madly in love with this person fade.

Now your judgment is clear. Your partner’s habits start to bother you. You work through the problems, and compromise, and start really putting an effort in. Your relationship is more difficult, but it’s also more rewarding. You start to experience a rebirth, a deeper connection, one that is based on trust, communication, commitment, not just on some crazy infatuation that you originally had. You make a conscious choice to stay with this person, because the chemical haze is gone, but the amazing feeling you once experienced is real. Guess what? Real love is messy, and you’ve just had some.

What the hell am I saying?

I’m saying that real love is a choice. I don’t believe in this “falling in love” business. In my book, you fall in lust. You get infatuated. You experience the other person physically, emotionally, intellectually. You get to know them. Eventually, you choose to be with them, to love them, to give to them.

To quote Erich Fromm, you don’t “fall in love”, you “stand in love”.

So to all my single, pining, romantic friends out there, stop that shit. Give the imperfect guy or girl you’ve been hanging out with a chance, maybe a kiss, and see where it leads. You can decide if you love them later on.

How do you feel about love? About perfection in your partner? Let me know! Think everything I’ve just spouted is total bullshit? Fight me for it! Leave a comment and harass me!