Dating

A geek goes up to a girl at the bar, and tries to get her number.

She doesn’t give it to him, and he walks back to his friends, feeling silly.

Most people call that failure.

You know what I call that?

Practice.Feeeeeeerr

Practice Makes Awesome

When I took a bootcamp with Mystery, and learned to approach women all those years ago, he told me I needed to practice. I understood the concepts, but I needed to go out a lot and approach thousands of women, to really internalize the inner workings of the dating game.

He was right. I ended up going out 4 nights a week for 6 weeks, and approaching about 25 women a night. That’s 100 women a week.

When the six weeks were up, I slowed down a bit, because that’s a ridiculous amount of women. I went out twice a week after that. And I’ve been doing so for nearly 4 years.

That’s a lot of practice.

People often ask “what’s the point? If you’re not going to get into a relationship with any of these women, why are you going out, getting numbers, going on dates, and hooking up with them? Is it a numbers game?”

It’s a strong question, and I’ll give you the most honest answer I can.

Besides the obvious benefit of getting regular sex, which is pretty sweet, I’m practicing.

Socially Acceptable Practice

We live in a society where practicing social dynamics is often seen as repulsive.

People don’t like it when they’re being used for target practice.

Unfortunately, we don’t always have the choice. It seems like it’s ok to practice writing, practice music, practice video games, but for some reason, the real world frowns on people practicing dating.

The exception to this rule is youth. If you’re in your teens or early twenties, people just say “oh, they’re young and dating, they’ll figure it out when they get more mature. Now’s the time to make mistakes.”

Well, fuck me, but I missed that boat.

For some of us less fortunate, less attractive, less naturally charming people, that didn’t happen. I didn’t practice with anyone when I was younger. I was too shy, too embarrassed, too un-charming. My idea of getting a girl was to invite her on a series of expensive dates and fawn all over her like a puppy, at which point she usually lost interest.

Not exactly the stuff of romance novels.SONY DSC

I used to go out and see all these women that I wished I could talk to. I would often zone out and daydream about how seductive I was. I’d imagine a brilliant conversation, where if she only had the chance to hear me speak, she would fall madly in love with me.

Then I’d sip my drink, and stand around, and some other guy would get the girl. I’d always go home alone, wishing I had actually said something. I needed to get out of my mind, and into the real world.

I decided to make a change just before my 27th birthday, which is really late in the game. And at that point, I had to start practicing, with people.

It’s difficult, because you have to actually have to test the limits of what you’re learning on other humans. They might not like it, but what choice do you have?

If you spot a cute girl at the coffee shop, and imagine how a conversation is going to play out with her, then actually approach her… chances are the conversation is going to unfold completely differently than what you thought. We’re all way smoother in our heads, aren’t we?

So you have to go out there, confront reality, and bother some women to learn. It’s not easy, and you’re going to get rejected a lot. Ya just gotta do it.

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People Will Tear You Down

Since I started on this quest to get better with women, 4 years ago, I’ve lost a few friends, most of whom were women. Lovely people, whom I respected very much. They didn’t agree with the messages I’ve been sending on this site, and would engage with me in heated debates over what was and wasn’t appropriate.

I learned something very important then. As it turns out, women love being charmed, romanced, and seduced. But they want to believe it happened naturally.

No one likes to be told that they hopped into bed with you because of some calculated moves you pulled. It makes them feel used.

The truth is, when it comes to humans socializing, nothing is natural.

Those guys that are good with women? They learned it somewhere, usually through trial and error when they were younger, or by emulating a male family member that was getting good results.

Those guys that are shit with women? Geeks like me? We learned bad behaviors.

Luckily, there are dating coaches out there, who are willing to help you fix those behaviors.

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So Get Practicing

I’ve been intimate with more women in the last 4 years, than in all 26 years of my life before that. Thanks to my practicing, things ended on good terms with each of these women. I was always honest with my intentions, and never tried to lead anyone on.

Some of them I hooked up with. Some became my lovers for a while. One special woman became my girlfriend, if only for a short while. All of them I respect, and wish only the best for.

So get out there and practice. If you’re not sure how, check out the Getting Her Number guide. It’s going to be difficult, and messy, and you may lose some friends along the way. But man, being able to take control of your love life makes it all worth it in the end.

How likely are you to enter a relationship with a woman keep-calm-and-wait-for-sex-6you had sex with on the first date?

Would you date a woman who made you wait a month before having sex?

Should I wait for sex or just move on?

I answer all of these questions and many more in this week’s podcast post!

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of being interviewed by Jay Mayo, the founder of Right To R.E.A.L. Love.

He interviewed 3 dating experts, including me, and asked us all the same questions. The viewpoints we give are varied, hilarious, and pretty insightful.

So should I wait for sex?

Check out the podcast and find out:
https://traffic.libsyn.com/righttoreallove/25__How_Men_Feel_About_Quick_Sex_vs_Having_to_Wait.mp3

And if you’ve got a minute, give Jay’s site a visit! 

He’s got a bunch of interesting podcasts, and I love the fact that he never forces one opinion down the listener’s throat: he always showcases a variety of viewpoints and lets you guys decide which advice you want to take.

I recently conducted an interview with my friend Tony D, who is a witty, fun human being, and also an incredible dating coach. He runs Absolute Ability, and teaches workshops all over the world on how to meet women. Unlike most dating coaches, Tony’s approach is simple, easy, and human. I took a day’s worth of training with him a few years ago, and he changed my perspective on how social interactions work.

He’s awesome.

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GG = Gutsygeek
TD = Tony D

GG: Why did you decide to become a dating coach?

TD: I never actually decided. It was more that I was broke, and had a pretty girlfriend who was bored because I didn’t have enough money to do fun things with her. I didn’t go to school to get a good education in science or business. My school was 4 years of chasing women around and reading pickup artist literature and writing.

So I advertised on the internet that I would teach guys to meet girls for $400. I sold two in the first week, and I really hated the deal I gave them, because one of my clients was literally a millionaire.

I raised my rates, and now I’m quite expensive. I don’t work as much. So blogging combined with my skillset of being a good teacher in this area let to me becoming a dating coach.

GG: The word Pickup Artist is now associated with something heinous. How do you feel about that?

TD: I try not to say that in public whenever possible, but when you’re doing business online, which is where I find most of my clients, that’s what people google, so I still use the term. But in a way, it is an art form, isn’t it? It’s like you’re performing, entertaining somebody, trying to charm them.

I do think it’s very valid, but the thing is, what women wants to feel like she’s targeted by a pickup artist? I think a lot of women are turned off by the idea, because the word pickup has such bad connotations around it. And there are lots of idiots out there on the internet and in the world who have used the term, and done terrible things, and really ruined it for the rest of us.

I prefer dating coach, but then again I’m not teaching people how to have nice dates either. I teach guys how to approach girls and get dates. I guess I could call myself an approach coach, but nobody’s searching for approach coach on the internet.

And then there’s the other guys with the top hats who I love.

GG: Do you consider yourself a pickup artist?

TD: No, I’m just a man. I like chasing women sometimes when I’m single, and I teach other guys to do it when they’re single.

GG: How do you feel about what you teach?

TD: I believe what I’m doing is a good thing as much for women as it is for men. I’m turning boys into men. Showing them how to get what they want in life.

And it’s not about using women for sex or any of this stupid shit the media is trying to force down our throats. It’s self-improvement, and everything you learn to improve yourself, you can teach your girlfriend, and that’s what I do.

I make my girlfriends read Eckhart Tolle, and ask themselves questions they don’t normally ask.

GG: Who is your average client?

TD: He’s kinda like you Rami. He’s usually not too skinny, not too overweight. Average in terms of looks… But most of my clients are highly successful in other aspects of their life. A lot of people would think that my clients are awkward, nerdy guys, but that’s one out of ten.
Because I”m quite expensive to hire now.

The people that hire me tend to have already succeeded in business, or school, or sports, or something else. So they already believe in themselves. And when they read my blog, where I say “you can achieve success with women too”, they believe it, because they understand the process of achieving something.

It’s not often I get someone who’s a total loser or a total weirdo. I think those people should come out more and hire more people like me, but most of my clients are pretty normal, cool dudes.

I get that question a lot, when people find out what I do. I always say “my average client is you.”

And then they go “I don’t need that, I do just fine. Sally, met her at the staff party, we hit it off. Dated her for two years, I got her.”

But I’m not teaching guys how to meet people in their social circle necessarily, because most of my clients don’t have a social circle.

That’s one common thread between all my clients, 90% of them are software engineers with no social life.

GG: What’s their biggest problem?

TD: A lot of guys overthink it. If you guys wanna get started, read my daygame book, it’s only 5 bucks. If you’re worried about things to say, think about this: do you have a buddy or a best friend? Some people reply “no”, and that’s sad, but to those of you that say yes, do you ever run out of things to say to your buddy?

No, of course not. Then you have the skill to attract and speak to women that you just met. You talk to them exactly the same way you talk to your buddy. If you’re into videogames, you can talk about videogames with girls, but you have to have enthusiasm, and not doubt yourself.

Enthusiasm is game. It’s the guys that start acting all weird and funny around girls that are nervous and in trouble. They can’t think of what to say, heart rate beats fast, they go nuts.

So the first step when you approach a girl, you breathe, and you say “I’m actually kind of nervous, I don’t do this often.”

Now you have nothing to hide. That might not seduce the woman, but this is your rehabilitation to become a normal guy.

It’s really normal for a guy to walk up to a woman and say “hey, you’re cute. My name is Tony.” But use your own name. (laughs)

GG: Let’s say you have a stable girlfriend. How do you justify going out and meeting girls as a job?

TD: Well, I have to screen for girlfriends now. Because a lot of good girls have never dated someone like me. I’m not really a bad boy, but they have to be cool with the idea of my job, which is very important to me. A woman has to be open-minded.

I also tend to screen girls for bisexuality, and often they say “no I’m not into women.” But after we start dating, and I give them some enjoyable experiences, like good sex for example, they start to change their tune, and say “I do find women kind of pretty.”

What I try to do is get them to follow my lead. I set expectations very early on in the relationship, so the woman knows what I want as a man. I think our society has really brainwashed men into thinking we really need to please the woman, do whatever she wants, or she’ll leave them.

The thing is, I don’t have time to change my entire lifestyle to have a girlfriend. If she wants to be with me, she has to adapt to my lifestyle as well. I’ve broken off a few relationships because the girl couldn’t handle my job. I have to travel a lot, and it’s hard on them sometimes.

So it’s about being honest. If I’m in a monogamous relationship, I don’t cheat on my girlfriend. I was in a monogamous relatinoship for two years while I was doing this job. She got pissed off at me for getting phone numbers while working, but I told her I wasn’t calling the phone numbers. She didn’t believe me, and that caused some drama.

I find that quite often I have to train, and I hate to use this word, but I have to “train” my girlfriends. Just like they train you, when they teach you things about yourself. For instance, your girlfriend might make fun of your nosehairs, and you give her a snappy comeback. But then later on you go and you trim your nosehairs. (we both get a good laugh here)

So she’s improving my life, and at the same time I’m teaching her to have an open mind as well.

GG: Would you be open to another monogamous relationship?

TD: Absolutely. I’ve never been the kind of guy that has to have harem, even though I have multiple girls in my life right now. If you do what I do, eventually you’ll meet a lot of girls.

I have this girl I’ve been seeing and she jokingly asked: “what kind of girl would want to date a pickup artist?”

I replied: “you.”

Then half-joking, I said: “if you want to be with me, I get to sleep with whoever I want, and you don’t sleep with anybody else.”

She kinda laughed and said that’s so stupid. But she came back to me later on after having some problems with another guy she was dating, and said: “you know what I like about you Tony? At least you know what you want.”

Because other guys have no clue what they want, or they can’t communicate it.

So if you want to date multiple women for a while, you just tell them that’s what you want. You say: “if you want to join me and be with me that’s cool, if you don’t I understand.”

Don’t lie about it.

GG: Do you have anything you’d like to add to this interview? Something I forgot to ask?

TD: Read my books! Hire me. I’ll help you get girls, I’ll travel to your city. I’m based in Vancouver, but I’ll go anywhere in the world for the right price.

One more thing: a lot of your readers are gamers, and the way I see if is if you can get really good at playing videogames, you can get good at almost anything in life. You can take that gaming skill, and turn it into a career, or turn it into something that can help you meet girls.

And there’s nothing shameful about wanting to improve yourself with women. A lot of people are afraid of commenting on my blog for example, because they don’t want anyone to know they have trouble with women.

There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of when you’re trying to improve yourself.

Some friends or family might give you a hard time, and try to shame you for it.

“”You’re fine just the way you are, you don’t need to do that weird stuff, you don’t need to approach women,” they’ll say. When that happens, look at those people and ask yourself why they’re trying to hold you back from happiness.

You do what you need to do to be happy in life, and sometimes that means approaching a lot of women trying to get more sex, or just a girlfriend. You might have to approach a thousand women just to get a girlfriend.

And it’s scary at first, but in the long run it becomes a lot of fun and very rewarding.

Just try not to be a dick with people. Call the girl back if you sleep with her.

Be sure to check out Tony’s site at Absolute Ability, and hit him up if you’re curious about getting some hands on training. I guarantee he’s worth it.

MjAxMi04YTI2MzdmNWQzOTI2ZWQzHere’s something you probably don’t know about me: many of my relationships ended when I or my significant other moved away from each other.

There was my first love, whom I reconnected with one summer while visiting my family in France, and who I left behind when I returned to Montreal to do my Master’s degree.

There was my brilliant older girlfriend, who was as sweet as she was smart, who moved to a city 6 hours away to be with her family. I didn’t follow her.

And there was my Mexican girlfriend, who was in Montreal for a year doing an exchange, and left me to go back to Mexico to finish her degree.

In all of these situations, there was the possibility that our relationship continue, culminating perhaps in a happy ending. There was just one big problem.

I fucking hate long distance relationships.

The Problem With Long-Distance Relationships

Let’s be clear about one thing: a long distance relationship is one where your significant other lives more than 3 hours away from you. 3 hours is a nice gauge, because it means you can’t see her every day, unless you’re down for some serious travel time.

Long distance relationships suck because if your girl isn’t living near you, then you’re not dating the real her. What you’re getting is the honeymoon version. When you see each other every few weeks/months, you’re both going to be on your best behavior. She’s going to treat you wonderfully, and be super turned on by everything you do.

She might even try that Pepto Bismol thing with the llama that you keep talking about.

You’re going to do the same. You’ll ignore all the things she does that drive you crazy, like when she uses your toothbrush (ugh), or uses a fork on your non-stick frying pan. Seriously, why would someone do that? There’s no reason, I have wooden utensils in my drawer.

Bottom line is, you’re going to emphasize all the things about her you love, because you only get to see her for two days every month.

It’s not bad at first, but it gets bad when you date for a long time. I’ve seen multiple couples date long distance for ages, convinced they were the perfect match, problem-free and happy. When they finally moved in together, months or years later, all hell broke loose and they quickly broke up.

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The Other Problems with Long Distance Relationships

Being in a relationship with someone isn’t just about how the two of you are together. It’s also about how each of you acts around your significant other’s friends and family.

For instance, I love having people over at my house. On any given day, you’ll find 2-5 people hanging out in my living room. If my girlfriend can’t handle that, we’re not going to work out.

When you’re doing long distance and she comes for a visit, you’ll probably ignore everyone for a bit and hang out with her exclusively. She won’t see the crazy stuff that you get up to with your friends.

But what if she sucks around your buddies? What if she hates your best friend? You won’t know until much later than you should.

Finally, and this is the deal breaker for me, how does a long-distance sex life work?

I, like most geeks, am a fan of regular sex. When you’re far apart for long periods of time, how the hell are you going to accomplish that? Might as well get reacquainted with your old friends lefty and xvideos, because that’s where most of your sex is going to come from.

Not for me.

If my girlfriend lives 6000 miles away? The only way it’ll work is if my penis is 6000 miles and a few inches long.

But we’re REALLY IN LOVE. How do we make it work?

Alright, I’ve badmouthed long-distance relationships enough. I have multiple friends that are dating long-distance and making it work. I know a few couples, including my sister, who married someone they dated long-distance.

Here’s what the successful ones have in common.

First, she’s moving away, or your are. Accept it, and accept that it’s going to suck. No blame, no anger, it’s going to suck. Go into it with a positive outlook, and the belief that you’re going to make it work (and watch lots of porn).

Next, only engage in long-distance if you’ve been dating locally for a long enough time. In other words, make sure you know her well, so that you don’t end up with a stranger who moves into your home in 3 years. Which leads me to the next point…

Have a concrete timeline for when you’re going to end up together. She’s moving to Reykjavik to do her Master’s degree? You’d better know that her degree ends in two years, and she’s moving back after that (or you’re moving there).

This is the single most important thing any couple living apart needs to have. Knowing when you’ll be permanently reunited makes the nights when you’re alone, eating a tub of icecream and watching reruns of The Notebook more bearable.

Hint: it won’t make you more manly though. You left your penis at the door when you decided to watch The Notebook.

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Finally, the last hurdle, the one that I can never get over: the sex.

Work out an arrangement that’ll keep you more or less satisfied in your pants. There are three options my friends use, to varying degrees of success.

My personal favorite is Skype sex, where it’s basically like doing it to a webcam model who’s giving you a private show. Aw yeaaa.

Otherwise, phone sex, which can be very sensual if you’re both good dirty talkers. Or if you’re open and left-of-the-middle, an open relationship, where you can fuck other people (not for the faint of heart).

Final Thoughts on Long-Distance Relationships

We’ve gone over problems and possible solutions. I’ve spoken to friends engaging in this heinous type of relationship, and have seen it work as many times as I’ve seen it fail.

So have I changed my mind? Would I engage in a long-distance relationship?

Hell no! Long distance relationships super suck.

But maybe with the right partner and the right attitude, they can suck a little less.

rscvgxApril 6th.

Sunday morning.

I wake up with a cutie next to me, feeling pretty good.

Less than 8 hours ago, she and I met at a club, and here we are, waking up in my bed.

Not a bad day.

In fact, it’s been a pretty good week. I hooked up with quite a few women. There was my regular on Monday, a smart girl from Tinder on Tuesday, and one that came home with me from the bar on Thursday…

I blinked as the realization hit me: four women in one week. That’s a lot, and a first for me. Not sure how I feel about myself.

I’ll deal with it later. For now, I’ll relax, and enjoy this cutie’s company.

Back to sleep, then sex, then brunch.

Not a bad day at all.

How to have lots of sex

The second week of April was full of rest and relaxation. I didn’t go on any dates, I didn’t call any girls, I didn’t go out to pick up. All I did was hang out with my friends and play some videogames.

I was still contemplating how I felt about my “success”, and was feeling ambivalent.

On the one hand, I felt empty. I wasn’t going to be eternally satisfied with myself because one time, I hooked up with four women in quick succession.

Picking up and getting laid regularly is worthless, as a long-term goal. I know this, and have spoken about it before. That’s not what this site is about, and that’s not who I am.

But.

On the other hand, I had reached the top of the mountain. A new personal record. I don’t know many guys who’ve had sex with four women in six days. I felt really good about it.

It seemed like all the training I went through over the past few years, the endless nights of getting rejected, the methods I’ve practiced… all of these things finally paid off.

I had become a geek that was attractive to women.

More importantly, I was worthy of writing a blog that teaches geeks to meet women.

My methods work. I felt proud of my achievement.

Despite all of my misgivings, I was satisfied.

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Why I Hooked Up With So Many Women

The last time I decided to get so intense about meeting women was when I first started out, and went out 4 nights a week for 6 weeks. At the time, it was because I was trying to develop the skills I needed to get a date.

This time around, I already had the skills. I just wasn’t practicing much. To motivate, my buddy and I decided to have a friendly contest: try to hook up with 2 new women every month.

It wasn’t designed for us to “fcuk @ll teh b1tch3z”. It was more about using our competitive natures to motivate us more to get out of the house, after hibernating during the long Montreal winter.

It worked. After getting numbers and kicking ass all of March, I shattered the goal in the first week of April.

I also realized something hilarious: being a player is a shitload of work. You want to go out and have lots of sex? With lots of different women? You gotta sacrifice huge chunks of your time.

If you know any players, see if you can examine their lives closely. You’ll probably notice they spend a lot of time either picking up girls, or texting girls, or hooking up with them.

It’s actually way more work than having a relationship.

In my case, going out to meet women and going on dates took over 5 nights a week of my life. I drank more booze, and slept less. I also neglected my friends, my hobbies, my diet and exercise, and my gaming.

In fact, all I was doing was meeting women. And that’s a pretty boring way to live.

But I can’t deny that in the end, I got results.

How It Affected Me Positively

Somewhere inside of me, some interesting changes occurred as well.

I feel better about my level of attractiveness than I have in ages. I am definitely my own worst critic, and a part of me has always felt physically inadequate. I think it’s related to being a sick child growing up, and my family constantly talking about how thin I was.

Well, these 4 women proved me wrong. I wasn’t emotionally involved with any of them, so for the sex to happen, it meant that I was superficially attractive, through my actions and words.

Better still, it wasn’t a fluke. Hooking up with a girl randomly is luck, hooking up with 4 in 6 days is skill. I didn’t do anything special, I just used the stuff I’ve been talking about on the blog, starting with getting her number and ending with taking her home.

Finally, I didn’t lie to any of them. I didn’t promise a relationship, or tell them this was going to be anything more than casual. To all the naysayers out there, you don’t have to trick a woman into your bed: they want sex just as much as we do.

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What The Hell Am I Talking About?

To be honest, I’m not sure.

I know that to hook up with many women is not emotionally satisfying. It just feeds my ego, and satisfies my physical urges. I think… I think that sometimes, that’s ok. Feeding your ego can be good for you once in a while.

Is my goal still to meet the one girl (to rule them all)? Yes, yes it definitely is, because while I feel great about that success I had, my bed is still empty most nights a week.

I’d like someone to wake up to every day.

But I’m not going to make it my big goal, like last year. That ended with a serious drought in my sex life, because I was constantly trying to find the perfect girl, instead of appreciating all the fun things about the women I was meeting.

No, this year is all about having fun. I’m going to go out, and meet as many people as I can, and have a goddamn blast doing it.

And if the right girl were to come along?

I’d retire my penis, and jump into the relationship with no regrets, knowing that for a moment, I hit the top of the mountain, and it was damn good.

43785602You met her at comiccon. 

She was wearing a Power Girl outfit. You nervously approached in your Luke Skywalker suit, complete with lightsaber and wacky hair.

You guessed she was Batman. She laughed. You had a cool conversation, all your friends mingled for a few minutes, and everyone had fun.

But Kevin Sorbo is about to appear, and you need to meet him.

Now what?

Well, now you get her number. Duh.

How to get her number

A lot of my fellow geeks have trouble with this part. It seems like they can do the talking, the charm, the shared passions, but freak out at the moment of getting the phone number.

Don’t worry homies, I got you covered. I’ve outlined the top 5 tips to getting her number below, and as long as you keep them in mind, you should be good to go.

(Note: If you don’t already know the best way to approach a girl, or what to talk about, I suggest you visit the geek dating strategy guide: get her number page and check out all the resources I posted there).

1. Seed Future Plans

When you’re talking to a girl, she may wonder what you want from her. Maybe you just want to have sex with her. Maybe you want to date her. She doesn’t know, and maybe you don’t even know. This leads to ambiguous and unpleasant thoughts, which can all be mitigated with one simple thing: make future plans.

While you’re speaking to her, just drop a brief sentence saying where you two should hang out and what you should do.

In the example above, where you’re talking to the cutie at comiccon, the best plans to make are ones with shared interests.

She likes comic books? “We should go to this great comic book and collectables store next week.”

She likes cooking? “Oh man, let’s hang out and cook together on Tuesday. I make a killer jambalaya.”

By creating future plans, she knows what the deal is. If she’s into it, getting her number will be a sure thing.

2. Get some alone time with her 

This is good practice no matter what your goal is. You should always try to carve out a private space for you and the girl you’re flirting with. Sometimes it means moving the two of you over to another part of the bar. Sometimes it means standing a foot away from her/your friends, so the two of you are alone(ish).

The reason is simple: some women like to keep their private lives private. They don’t want people to see them give out their number, or make out with a stranger. So isolate her, and get her number when you’re out of earshot of prying minds.

Bonus trick: f I really need to create space, but don’t have anywhere to go, I’ll slowly shift my body so that for her to talk to me, she’ll need to turn her back towards her friends. In this way, she’s focused on you 100%.

3. Get her number at the peak of the conversation

The classic mistake is to wait until the end of the conversation, when things are fizzling out, to get her number as a last resort.

No! Wrong! Bad geek!

The best time to get her number is in the middle of the conversation, when things are going super well. You just connected over comics? You just talked about a future date? Get her number then! There’s no need to wait.

The best part is, you’re still hanging out and chatting after you get her number, so she doesn’t feel like the whole interaction was about just that.

4. Don’t ask her for her number

Um, what? If you don’t ask for it, how is she going to know you want it?

Simple. You tell her to give it to you.

Pull out your phone, and hand it to her, then say “gimme your number.”

You can also add something about the future plans you’ve mentioned. “We’ll go rollerblading Sunday afternoon. I’m going to win.”

It’s much more powerful to make a statement, and hand her your phone, than it is to ask her for it. The only explanation I can give you is this video.

5. Text her right away

I usually text her right in front of her. I’ll say something silly, based on what we’ve talked about. For instance, last week a girl and I were joking about beards, and how Sean Connery’s beard was so manly.

My text to her was “This is Sean Connery’s beard.” We spent the rest of the conversation giggling about that.

The reason for this is because she may give her number out to a few people that night. How’s she supposed to remember which one is you?

By starting the conversation early, she’ll have you in her phone, and will recognize you when you text her in the next few days.

Space Invaders

In the end, regardless of how you go about it, the hardest part is really to have the balls to make the move and go for the number. Don’t worry so much about being rejected, worst case she’ll just say no.

Hell, if Darryl can do it, you know you can.

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You and your significant other have broken up. It is done.

Life seems bleak and meaningless. There’s a physical pain in your body, like a dull ache, that you can’t seem to get rid of. It sits in your solar plexus, like a ball or a knot which you can’t seem to unwind.

All of a sudden, you’re alone.

And it sucks.

breakup

Is it time to get back together yet?

There are a bunch of questions people ask themselves after a breakup. The one I hear the most is “did I do the right thing?”

I’m here to tell you, right now, that if you broke up with someone, you did the right thing. Your relationship was reaching a point where it wasn’t working out, and you needed to escape.

So good job. It takes balls to break up with someone, especially if you’re still in love with them.

Now this is where it gets dangerous. The time immediately after a breakup is when all the temptation and the bad decisions happen.

This is where you ask the question that can ruin it all. It’s 8 simple words.

“Should I get back together with my ex?”

For now, the answer is an immediate NO.

It’s a Trap

First of all, if you broke up, it was for a reason. Maybe you felt mistreated, or betrayed. Maybe you always did the cooking but she never did the dishes. Maybe she stopped doing that freaky thing you like in bed with the Pepto Bismol and bananas.

Whatever it was, it’s still going to be there if you get back together right away. Things have been shitty for six months? They’re not going to resolve themselves after a 3-day breakup. People need time.

Second, if you broke up with her, she’s going to do some insane stuff to get you back. I’ve had exes send me dirty texts, gets friends and family members to pressure me back into it, even show up at my door in sexy lingerie “so we can talk things over.”

Trap

They’re traps! Don’t fall for them! These are band-aids covering up the greater problems you have.

“But she really really wants to have kinky sexy right now and she’s wearing a sexy negligee” is not a valid reason to get back with her. It’s not going to solve your dishes problem (although the Pepto Bismol one’s got a pretty good chance).

Finally, and this is the bad one: she might just be pining for attention. If she broke up with you, then randomly sends you a naked picture a week later, she’s probably feeling lonely. In these cases, I’ve seen guys run back, thinking all is well, only to discover that once she gets some attention from you, she’s ready to kick you to the curb again.

So, don’t fall for these traps!

You need time apart. You broke up for a reason. See if you can remember why.

Remember the bad times

Whenever a friend tells me he’s having trouble dealing with a breakup, it’s usually because he’s idealizing the relationship.

We tend to overlook all the bad stuff, and only remember the good times, especially if we’re feeling lonely.

“She was so kind and gentle”, you’ll think. “Especially when she wasn’t accusing me of cheating all the time and had horrible trust issues.”

To snap out of that madness, you need to make a list of all the bad things about her, and make sure you know why you broke up. You need to remember all the bad moments in your relationship as well.

If you have to, take a moment to clearly visualize a few times when she was awful to you. When you felt treated like shit, and wondered why you were even with this person.

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When you have all the bad moments locked in your mind, you’ll finally be able to see the big picture.

You’ll recognize the relationship for what it was: a series of good times and bad times, not an idealized eutopia where she was heavenly.

Once you’ve been broken up long enough, and you can look back on all the moments you shared together, and not be bitter about them…

Well, the answer to today’s post could be yes.

Getting Back Together Is Not A Bad Thing

Wait, what? Did I say it’s ok to get back together with your ex?

Yep. Yes I did. I wanted to make sure you did it for the right reasons though.

The secret to getting back with someone is knowing where it went wrong. Not just in her behavior, but in yours too. Was she really bad at doing the dishes? Or was I just leaving stuff lying around all the time, and making it impossible for her?

Be honest. It could be her, it could be you. Most probably, it was the both of you.

If you can identify where things went wrong, and make an effort to ensure those things don’t happen again, that’s a first step towards reconciliation.

You also need to accept certain things about her aren’t going to change. She might never be into that Pepto Bismol and banana thing. Can you handle that?

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Then you need to let go of all the anger and resentment you’ve built up. She might forget a dish out once in a while, and if you blow up at her, chances are you’re still harboring tons of resentment for past undone dishes. That is extremely unhealthy.

Make sure you release those emotions. If she forgets a dish tomorrow, it’s the first one she’s forgotten. Don’t hold all the previous dishes against her.

Finally, and this is the biggest pitfall of all, all the stuff you guys did when you were broken up don’t count. They’re off-limits.

Did you bang 25 people in a massive orgy a week after you broke up? Doesn’t count.

Did she succumb to one of the dudes hanging around her? The usual vultures that are “friends”, then do everything in their power to seduce her the moment she’s on the rebound? Doesn’t count.

Good Luck On Your New Adventure Together

Remember, clean slate.

You come into this as mature adults, hopefully having learned something, hopefully appreciating her more than before, hopefully being appreciated more, knowing there are certain things to be worked on.

There are plenty of reasons it might not work out. But there’s no harm in giving it another shot.

Just remember one thing: be good to each other.

After all, you were shitty to each other the first time around, and look how that turned out.

“Why do you think geeks are good boyfriends?” is one of the first questions I get asked on this week’s episode of the Mr&MrsRomance podcast.

My friends Marie and Suzie interviewed me for about 45mins on geeks, dating, pickup lines, and sex.

I answer questions about why geeks great in bed, why we make exceptional boyfriends, what are some good pickup lines, and the problems geeks face in the dating world.

Check out the podcast and listen to the melodious sound of my voice.

I didn’t write a post last week. And this week’s post is 4 days late. Shit. SHIT!

Normally, when I miss a post, I feel bad about it, and try to catch up somehow. It weighs on me, like the Sword of Damocles hanging over my head by a thread, ready to drop at any time and kill me.

But with this post, I had reached a point where I had too many things going on, and something had to give.

I was burning out.

Calvin Is My Hero

When I was a child, I read this passage from Calvin and Hobbes. It changed my life.

Calvin Nothing

He’s right you know. There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want. Sometimes, there isn’t even enough time to do a little bit of nothing.

My life is busy. I write for my blog, I go to the gym, I cook, I work fulltime, I play fighting games, I work on getting my book published, I clean my apartment.

And that was just yesterday.

Basically, I have no free time. Ever.

And it comes at a price.

When I have too much stuff going on, I spread myself thin. Things start falling apart. I don’t eat as healthy, or take care of myself, or spend as much time with my friends. I let many things fall by the wayside.

When you’re too busy, when there are too many things going on in your life, you make room for the most urgent ones by dropping the ones that you can live without.

Which is horrible, because oftentimes the most urgent things aren’t the most important ones.

Like when you miss your best friend’s birthday because you have a deadline.

My Cups Analogy

I think of it like this:

The things going on in your life are cups.

You are the water.

By choosing to have many cups, you are spreading the water very thinly across them. For a cup to have more water, another must have less.

The problem with life is there are infinite cups. But there’s only a limited amount of water. There’s only a limited amount of you.

Cups

So why didn’t I write a post last week? Because another cup needed filling more.

I’ve been playing the harp on and off for about 8 years now. Last year, after injuring my shoulder, I stopped playing the harp completely. I recovered after months of physio, but I stayed away from my music, because I was too busy.

About a month ago, a friend asked me to play at a charity benefit this past weekend. I had just over 3 weeks to practice and create enough music for 20 minutes.

Rather than say “no, I’m out of practice”, I used this opportunity to get back into it. I added another cup to my collection.

So I practiced every day. In fact, I practiced harder than I ever have in my life. It was beautiful, and fun, and exhausting.

But it was too much. By adding this practice on top of my already full schedule, I had to take away from another cup. I ended up emptying out my writing cup, and missing a blog post, and not writing my book proposal.

Cup2

Notice the nothing cup is still empty. With so many cups that need filling, who has time for nothing anymore?

Why Nothing Is Important

I am a ashamed to say that it’s been ages since I did nothing. I don’t remember the last time I had an evening where I had no plans, where I would come home, plop my ass in front of the TV, order some food and chill out.

Why? Because I don’t allow myself downtime. There’s always work to be done.

Wanna watch TV? I could, but that’s time that I could use to practice my harp, or write a blog post, or work on my book proposal, or fix my curtain rack, or stretch my aching shoulder and do some physio, or… you get the idea.

Worse still, on the rare occasions where I do get downtime? I feel guilty. That never ending to-do list looms over my head, and makes me feel like shit, if I’m not constantly checking stuff off it.

The part I had forgotten, was this: there’s always going to be more work to be done, even when you’re done.

You don’t finish a checklist and then say “whoopee, let’s roll baby, no more work forever!”. For most people, I’ll wager you never finish the list. You get close, then expand it again by adding 10 new items.

And it takes its toll on you mentally. By always having something to do, by always having unfinished business and items to check off your list, you get tired.

Even when I’m supposed to be relaxing, I’m worrying about getting stuff done. When I’m working, I’m worrying even more. All that mental energy that gets sucked away, makes me perform worse at everything.

Empty Out The Cups

Here’s my pattern. I work hard, fill up my schedule to the max. I spread myself thin, and run myself ragged.

I end up with too many cups, and not enough water. Then I pour the water from all the not-urgent cups into the most urgent one. I do that one thing the best, and shove everything else aside.

Then I burn out. I fall apart for a few days, where I don’t want to do anything, or I get sick, because my body tells me to stop this stupidity.

And I end up accomplishing much less than if I had balanced things out.

What saddens me, is the first cup that I chuck is the “nothing” cup. I never do nothing. Calvin, and the little boy inside of me, would be ashamed.

I wasn’t even aware it was a problem until I read Play It Away, a book by Charlie Hoehn on curing anxiety. Charlie pointed out that I wasn’t playing enough. Worse still, when I played, instead of feeling good, I felt guilty. And that’s so wrong on so many levels.

After reading his stuff, I decided to do something about it.

I decided to take a day, and do nothing.

Thank Baby Mario for Office Space

Sunday evening. 6pm. I was home, alone, tired. I had a blog post to write. I had dishes that needed doing. I had a full basket of laundry. My shoulders were tense and needed some physio exercises and stretching. My fridge was empty, I had to do groceries.

6:10pm. Shit. Ten minutes of worrying, and wasted mental energy, and I still haven’t done any of that stuff. I’d better… wait.

It can all wait.

The world isn’t going to end if I don’t write a blog post. I’ll survive without groceries this one night.

I took a deep breath then.

You know what I did?

Nothing office space

Yep.

I did nothing. I ordered a chicken salad with avocados, turned on Netflix, and watched The Clone Wars cartoons for a few hours (thanks JR for the recommendation!).

And it was glorious.

I didn’t think about anything, except watch Jedi do backflips and wield lightsabers, and imagine myself taking down an army of droids with The Force.

I went to bed at 10pm, relaxed and happy.

When I woke up Monday morning, I was so ready to kick ass. For the first time in weeks, I felt like I had a full night’s sleep, and actually felt rested.

I had some oatmeal, moseyed on down to the gym, and pushed like a maniac. Quick shower, then I was off to the office, where I had one of the most productive days ever.

Who knew a little bit of nothing one night, could mean a lot of good somethings the next day?

Of course, I’ve been busy every night since then, and life’s been hectic. It’s not easy getting rid of patterns, and I do still have many cups to fill. Or many cups to empty out, I haven’t decided yet.

However, this Sunday night, I have a date with my new best friend: NOTHING.

I’m not good at this nothing business yet, but I’m thinking, with a bit of practice, I’ll get better at it.

And maybe, in doing so, get better at everything else as well.

“Are you one of those pickup artist types?” she asks. A friend of mine told her about my blog, and how I teach geeks to be good with girls. “Because I’ve always been curious about them.”

Interesting.

“Can you walk up to any girl, and get her to sleep with you? Like James Bond?”

“Nope,” I reply. “That’s a myth. James Bond gets away with ludicrous stuff, because he’s a movie character. If I wore a tuxedo, walked into a club, ask for a martini, and expected women to fall head over heels, you know what I’d get?”

“What?”

“A martini,” I say.

She laughs, then seems pensive for a moment, as the truth of what I say sinks in.

“Then how does it really work?”

A perfect World

In a perfect world, every conversation and interaction would go perfectly well. Off the bat, I’d get interest from a girl, and she’d get interest from me. We would chat, flirt, undress each other with our eyes, and slowly but surely work our way towards some kind of awesome result.

Maybe I’d get her number, maybe we’d make out, maybe we’d go home together. Whatever the outcome, it would be easy and seemless; a breeze. But this all exists in a perfect world.

The truth is, picking up women is not perfect.

I’d even go so far as to say most of the time, pickup is a messy affair. None of this James Bond business.

I mean, c’mon: some of the things he gets away with are ridiculous. Check out this scene from Thunderball:

Do you really think that if you did that to a woman you just met, she’d be all over your dick? Get real.

It’s Actually Imperfect

The reality is much more sobering. There IS a perfect line, perfect time to approach, perfect everything, and unless you’re psychic, you’ll never get it. But with practice, you can do well enough that the imperfections will be overlooked, and the stuff you did well will stay with her.

I know lots of guys who go to bars, hang out with a drink, waiting for the “perfect opportunity”. You point out cute girls to them, and they always have an excuse not to go over.

“She’s busy getting a drink. She’s paying. She’s with a guy. She’s talking to the waiter. She’s too drunk. She’s sitting with her friends. I don’t want to interrupt her.”

You know how guys like that go home? Alone. Because while they wait for the perfect moment to talk to a girl, she’ll get chatted up by a man who had the balls to walk up and say hello.

The reality of cold approach is this: she is always going to be busy doing something.

She’s going to be with friends, or the bartender, or she’s going to be on her phone. If she’s in a coffee shop, she’ll be on her laptop working.

Messy

So you need to remember this: you’re always going to be interrupting her.

And that’s ok! It’s totally fine! Interrupt away!

If you approach well, she’ll be pleased to talk to you. The interaction will go great, and you’ll hit it off. If it goes badly, no big deal: you move onto the next one.

Funny And Grimy Situations

Here’s the dirty secret dating authors don’t like to talk about:

Sometimes, being in the right place at the right time is enough to get the girl. I was once at a bar, drinking away after an unsuccessful night. My friends had left, and I decided to drown my sorrows in one last drink before going home.

Lo and behold, two drunk girls pull up beside me, and one of them puts her hand on my ass and squeezes. Startled, I turned to look at her. We make eye contact, I grab her and start making out. That’s it.

No game, no work, nothing: she wanted sex, chose me, and I agreed.

This is important for you, because the more you put yourself out there, the likelier it’ll be that you find yourself in the right place at the right time.

Here’s an example that beats most guys: the girl you’re flirting with, who’s is flirting back, starts flirting with other guys as well. Most guys, in that situation, walk away.

Don’t walk away! Stay in there, and see what happens.

I like to think of these as an endurance contest. She’s in the mood to take someone home, and if you’re the last man standing, it could be you.

Today’s Lesson

Here’s the takeaway for today: meeting women is messy. It’s not at all like it is in the movies, so don’t idealize it and miss imperfect opportunities.

Instead, see things for what they are: imperfect situations where you could meet someone interesting. Go for them, and see what happens.

Don’t miss the imperfect approach where you end up with the girl of your dreams.